Am I wrong because I was her teacher? - Love Forum

stranger · #1 (**permalink**) 11-11-04, 05:23 AM

Hi Everyone!

Myself from India and I am curretly doing business here.I did my postgraduation in 2003.Then I joined the same college as a lecturer.I used to teach a lot of girls but one girl was different from all others.We come close to each other as we talk and speak with each other.I liked her.We kissed each other few times in the college.Then I left the college after one year and started my own business.We used to talk on phone and want to marry each other.I have following worries:

1.Here in India people think that one should not go for this type of relationship with a student.People say that it is a very respectful profession and one should not love the student.I left the job now and now I am not her teacher but the things keep on coming in my mind.I am fed up with all this.I want to know weather I am right or I am wrong?People opinion doesnt bother me but It definately give me tension when some people say that one should not fall in love with the student.What to do?

2.Me and she have the age difference of 5 years and six months.Is this a big age difference?It is also one of my tension regarding her?

You must think that It is silly to think this way but when people say that one should not fall in love with the student then it give me headic. Plz help.

She is mature now.I mean she is older than 18.As I told you that now I left the college.But the thing keep worrying me is this that once she was my student.I mean we were in the TEACHER-STUDENT relation.It gives me tension when i think that we had changed our relation from that to BOYFRIEND-GIRLFRIEND relaton.I like her very much and love her too but that thing keep on going in my mind that once we were in that relation.What to do?

Tell me if someone was in the TEACHER-STUDENT relation then Can they change to BOYFRIEND-GIRLFRIEND relation.Is this right?It gives me tension when someone say that you are wrong as you were TEACHER-STUDENT initially.

What to do?

I know that she is no longer my student and i am no longer her teacher but it means I was wrong when I had started the relationship.Isnt? And when the base of a relationship is wrong how can that relation live long.it gives me tension that I was wrong and the relation that i made is basically wrong.I may sound silly but i want to remove this tension.Really!

People here say that if you made a student then he/she remain your student whole life.As someone said "Teacher/student relationships are absolutely wrong! " then how can I justify this.She was my student.

Tell me.If i teach someone and interact with her.Then we start understanding each other and then we fall in love with each other and then we marry.Is all this wrong because she is my student?Even if I left the job and i am no longer her teacher, the thing that bother me is this that I was her TEACHER and she was my student.

I am fed up with this.Plz help.

Regards

nyman · #2 (**permalink**) 11-11-04, 05:47 AM

All i can say is that i come from a persian community, and we are very particular of circumstances regaurding a relationship as well. The GUY must be older, must be established, girl has to be virgin etc etc etc. Let me tell u, if you love this girl and want to marry her, i feel that you must put your interests ahead of everyone else, its what i tell my friends in our community as well who always fret about these strict rules. Who cares if others feel that your relatisonship isnt "correct" or if it does not adhere to typical relationship styles? You love her, you want to marry her, thats all that matters, the rest is footnotes, this is the priority. Also, you worry about people always saying oh the basis of this relationship was wrong, but im sure most of the people you care about, mainly family and freinds will come along, because they know thats what you want, and you will be happiest this way. For the others, (excuse my language) **** them! It is your life not yours, you do whats best for you, Hope i helped just a little, and all the best.

misombra · #3 (**permalink**) 11-11-04, 11:20 AM

society has all these rules about love! doesn't it drive you crazy? there are no rules when it comes to love. people fall in love with the strangest people under the strangest circumstances. question, what would happen if you just let her go? all you would have is a bunch of rules you can say you followed and you're lonely without the woman you love.

sleepy · #4 (**permalink**) 11-11-04, 12:09 PM

the rule in most colleges is that you must wait until the semester is over, or longer, then it is ok. it's not smiled at, but you're not being unethical if you waited.

if you did not wait, you need to look seriously at your ethics. being a teacher is sacred, and important, and there is no reason you can't wait for a few months if you care about someone, imo.

that's all moot, now, though, i guess. go for the relationship, just be prepared to have a more equal relationship with her from now on - you are no longer in charge. good luck!

p.s: google the terms: transference and counter-transference in pedagogy - what happened to you is very common and experienced by a *lot* of college students and instructors.

kanzaki · #5 (**permalink**) 11-11-04, 09:17 PM

okie....i think this will help you

my mum was my father's student. My father was the teacher of the systematic collage n my mum was his teacher. Their relationship is good up till now

hope that helps ^_^

LaydeeSarah · #6 (**permalink**) 11-11-04, 09:24 PM

r u living your life for those poeple or are u living your life for urself? think about that....

who are these people to tell u what u can and cant do with ur love life. if ur happy being with her then u shouldnt give wut anyone else has to say....
and the age gap is nothing, the age between my grandpa and grandma is 15 years!! they loved each other until they both died.....

kanzaki · #7 (**permalink**) 11-11-04, 09:36 PM

actually it depends on how they handle things

some can handle big things but cannot handle small things. Vice versa

so if u are unable to handle eaither one of those....it won't work out

stranger · #8 (**permalink**) 12-11-04, 05:16 AM

Hi All!

Thanks for replying.

I dont have words to say how thankful i am to you for replying.I need it the most.THANKS!

it may seems odd but I think that I have a psycalogical problem.Please try to understand me.i want to spend my life with her but I always remain in tension that I may be wrong.Tell me one thing Is it wrong to be in love having TEACHER-STUDENT relationship?If yes then I know that I am not her teacher anymore but Doesnt it shows that I was wrong when I was her teacher? and when the start of a relationship is wrong how can the neat part will be right?

Plz reply.

regards

sleepy · #9 (**permalink**) 12-11-04, 05:40 AM

mmm, i really want to help, let me try again :

1. it is unethical to mess around with students. illegal in high school, and just unethical in college. that said, it happens often, to many people. college is exciting, and it's easy to confuse the excitement of learning wild new things with the person teaching them.

2. if you messed around with her while she was in your class, that's not good, because you had authority over her. also, you should be focusing on the teaching itself, obviously. (don't ever do it again if you care about being a good/employed teacher. you could actually get sued, among other things. just wait for semester to finish next time!)

3. but, that class is done now. ok? let it go. think about the relationship now, not then. think about her as your equal. start fresh, and court her like you would normally court a woman.

you're in love - know you made a mistake while she was in your class, forgive yourself, and move on. go get her!

p.s. there is a GREAT book on this topic called The Erotics of Instruction eds. Regina Barreca and Deborah Denenholz Morse - check it out!

kanzaki · #10 (**permalink**) 12-11-04, 04:28 PM

it is not wrong when it is true love.

but becafeful of the evil gossips

stranger · #11 (**permalink**) 13-11-04, 03:46 AM

Kanzaki

What you said earlier.your mom was the student of your father?M i right?

So you think that It is not wrong to be in love having TEACHER-STUDENT relationship.Isnt?

I just want to clarify these two things that you have said.

What should I do to remove all the tensions relating this from my mind?

Regards.

Mellita · #12 (**permalink**) 13-11-04, 04:29 AM

You are both adults so who should care? If it were a relationship between a teacher in high school and a female student I can see some moral and ethical objections there. 5 years is not that big of an age difference between consenting adults, screw them!!

manonfire · #13 (**permalink**) 13-11-04, 06:57 AM

my parents were also teacher student. my dad is 4 years older than her, so he was a relatively young teacher. so far its been good! if you really love her, then go for it.

stranger · #14 (**permalink**) 15-11-04, 02:33 AM

thanks all.

kanzaki · #15 (**permalink**) 15-11-04, 10:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by stranger

Kanzaki

What you said earlier.your mom was the student of your father?M i right?

So you think that It is not wrong to be in love having TEACHER-STUDENT relationship.Isnt?

I just want to clarify these two things that you have said.

What should I do to remove all the tensions relating this from my mind?

Regards.

okie.. in my country, there is nothing wrong with teacher and student relationship. But u haverto understand, my dad n my mum is only 2 years apart. My dad graduated high school at the age of 15. 3 years younger

next is, my mum actually pass the test of time, meaning that she actually waited for my dad for 5 years when he went overseas to get his master degree.

next is, NOBODY knows that they are a teacher and student relationship.

n personally, i dun find anything wrong if it is true love. Seriously, the thing that make them disagree with the teacher and student relationship is just some gossips and being the teacher's pet.

n btw, they ONLY started dating AFTER my mum graduated from that certain collage