!!Desperately needing help!!!

[TheGuitarGod]

I wanted to let you know first off I appreciate you taking the time out to try and help me out. Im very sorry if it is too long.

Ive been with my boyfriend for 10 months. Some unfortunate things happened which led me to move in with him during our second month. He's 32, I'm 20.

Back in december, I did his sister a favor and built her a web site. I needed her email addy so I logged onto his email and found a lot of messages and profiles of him emailing guys to hook up. At this time I was still dealing with the fact that I was raped when I was younger, so our sex life was mediocre. So he was looking to cheat on me, knowing this. This effected my trust in a very serious way. But i decided to stick it out because of how I felt for him.

One day about a month ago, I did a search because although my trust was doing well with him, I still had my doubt naturally. I found a profile of him with a nude pic posted. I saw that he had logged on the night before, so I confronted him about it. I found many others from years ago, so we took them down together. I asked him for his email password- HE ABSOLUTELY REFUSED, claming that there are convos there with friends and the subject matter is personal. I let it go.

On top of that, I found out that he was sending and receving naked pics of a friend f his through his cell phone. I told him that I didnt want him taking pics of himself on his camera. He gave me hell because he didnt understand the concept of why I asked him that.

Yesterday, as well, we had an altercation. He goes to nude beaches, which barely even bothers me. I dont care who he goes with, any other exboyfriedn except for this one guy. I dont liek him, and i told him that i dont mind if he goes with anyone else, but i just dont feel comfortable with him and this guy naked on a beach. Im not insecure really, but the fact that he was admimant AGAIN about not understanding my concept just makes me think, "Why is he conitinuing to dires[ecting me?" this is what hes doing to me right?

I know how he can gain my trust back. And everythign i ask him for- he refuses to do or puts me through hell. I can only taek so much more. But when things are good with us, THINGS ARE GREAT. But when things are bad- it's soooooooo hard to think about anything else.

The thing is, i know deep down that he loves me. Hes a very stubborn person and he can never understand my point about anything. In a nutshell, he damaged my trust and he doesnt want to gain it back. Trust is earned in my opinion, time won't heal it. I'm looking around for marriage counseling. My question is- am I dumb for even putting up with this much. Theres so much more that he's done, just too long to explain.

I am sorry for making this as long as it is. It could be longer though.

Thanks you all so much
J

[shh!]

Marriage counseling? What for? I thought you said he was your boyfriend...

You say he can never understand your point about anything, but that is not true (unless he is mentally challenged). He understands, he just isn't going to comply with your wishes. He doesn't care what you think as much as he cares about whatever it is he wants to be doing. You know I am right about this.

I'd skip the counseling - it isn't going to make him the person you want him to be. And stop living with him. It would make you less inclined to tolerate his crappy behavior if you were more independent and self-sufficient.

[misombra]

he is too old for you. go find someone your own age.

[missguided.rose]

Sometimes love isn't enough.. If you're *still* having a hard time trusting him I honestly don't know how long your relationship can last. If you dont trust him with other people then you don't have much hope really.. =/ I think if I was you and found out all of this, I don't think i'd be with him, but that's my own standards.

[TheGuitarGod]

Quote:

Originally Posted by missguided.rose

Sometimes love isn't enough.. If you're *still* having a hard time trusting him I honestly don't know how long your relationship can last. If you dont trust him with other people then you don't have much hope really.. =/ I think if I was you and found out all of this, I don't think i'd be with him, but that's my own standards.

Thank you very much for your perspective. I really appreciate it. Its's not that i dont trust him with peopele. I do. I just feel inadequate with him being naked with this one guy he dated for a year on a beach. I todl him, Hey I have no problem with you going to a nude beach with anyone of your other ex's, bhut him- i just dont feel right with. I even tell him- Hey! Go out with your friends in the city nd have a great time. I do trust with to a certain extent otherwise i wouldnt be with him. But thats what im saying, you would have left him. Do you think im dumb for continuing on?

[TheGuitarGod]

Quote:

Originally Posted by shh!

Marriage counseling? What for? I thought you said he was your boyfriend...

You say he can never understand your point about anything, but that is not true (unless he is mentally challenged). He understands, he just isn't going to comply with your wishes. He doesn't care what you think as much as he cares about whatever it is he wants to be doing. You know I am right about this.

I'd skip the counseling - it isn't going to make him the person you want him to be. And stop living with him. It would make you less inclined to tolerate his crappy behavior if you were more independent and self-sufficient.

Thank you so much for your reply back. I appreciate to the fullest.

I guess he may just be mentally challeged! lol. Im not saying that to defy what you say. Last night we talked and he admitted that he cant understand how i feel. But relationships are not only about trust, they are about compromising and helping eachother out with things that may or may not bother the other person. He doesnt give in an effort to do so like I do. For instance, I dont have a problem with him going to a nude beach, but I dont think id ever do it. He refused to go to a normal beach with me. SO i compromised and told him i would go once for him. But he wouldnt go to a normal beach with me. Those kinds of things.

It's not that i want to change him, but if he can't compromise and come to a happy medium with anything, (hes the same way with his family, his way or the highway), he;s never going to be happy and it's just difficult to deal with.

[TheGuitarGod]

Quote:

Originally Posted by misombra

he is too old for you. go find someone your own age.

Thanks for the reply. Yeah he is a lot older. But ill tell you one thing that i learned that many peopel probably already knew. Maturity does not come with age, it comes with experience. I prolly experienced more than he has in his 32 years of living in my 20! lol.

Dont get me wrong, i wasnt looking for a 32 year old! I never thought in a million years. But it's true what they say, you honestly cant help who you fall in love with. Plus, a huge portion of peopel my age are out to have fun and have sex. I'm not into that at all. Ive tried dating peopelmy age and theyre honestly too juvinille and immature, (not that im praising myself). Thats why i usually date guys in their mid twenties or so... (ya know out of college lol). Thanks for the reply- again

[clearskies]

I think you need to let him go for good... he doesnt deserve you.. he is a gay it looks like that so go for a straight girl and move on.. why all this misery with a cheater.. if he refused giving u his email so he is hiding something he doesnt want u to know.. is that a proper life? NO

[GrkScorp]

This post is from 2005.., I don't think the OP is even here anymore

[clearskies]

didnt notice that but u r excellent.