what to do - Love Forum

sparkey · #1 (**permalink**) 08-12-04, 01:38 PM

I have been dating someone for seven months. She is 33 and has three kids and has been divorced twice. Things were going good. We would see each other maybe once a week, call on occasion and go out to dinner or rent a movie and throw some emails back and forth during the week.

Now, over the last month, her children were starting to ask her why I wasn't there and they were all getting attached to me. Epecially her youngest of 16 months. He would actually walk to me with his little book and want to climb on my lap so I would read to him. In fact he would ignore his mom when i was there.

Anyway the holidays come and she stops emaling me or answering my emails. So I called her and she didn't answer so i called again and said "Hey, maybe nothong but I am getting the impression you are ignoring me, whats up?"

She emailed me about how she just doesn't have time right now, wishes she could give me time, but can;t at this moment." So I asked her why she couldn't atleast reply to an email and say so instead of ignoring them.

Well she says "You don't have to apologize for how you feel. I should. You have every right to feel the way you do and want the things you want. I am not at the same place so that is why I am the way I am about being serious and all that. And even though I try not to live in the past, it is still there and has a lot to do with the way I live now and the choices I make. I don't expect you to sit around waiting for a time when I am ready to move forward. That's not fair for you. And I think I know how you are going to respond to that!! Just being honest and getting back to you. I didn't see your email on Friday, sorry I am just getting back to you now."

I have only let her know I received the email and said nothing more.

What is going on here.

She told me she knows I want the relationsip to move forward, but I dont get where that comes from. I have not asked her to move in, or talked about engagement or living together or even having our families get together. The only thing she has said is "She cared about me" and since then things have went south.

The holidays ? Her kids ? All of the above ?

Confused in WI

sparkey · #2 (**permalink**) 08-12-04, 01:41 PM

BTW, we were in a discussion once and I told her that i didn't like somethng she did and she got all worked up and siad "See I cant make you happy!"

sfalexi · #3 (**permalink**) 08-12-04, 09:33 PM

She's self-consious. She has two failed marriages, three kids (which she probably thinks in the back of her mind that people view as "baggage") and so is scared that you will eventually leave (like every OTHER man in her life) and so this is a pre-emptive strike. Try to find a way to talk to her and assure her that you ARE interested in her and her life and want to talk about where this is going. And be honest.

Rod Steele

sparkey · #4 (**permalink**) 09-12-04, 11:07 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sfalexi

She's self-consious. She has two failed marriages, three kids (which she probably thinks in the back of her mind that people view as "baggage") and so is scared that you will eventually leave (like every OTHER man in her life) and so this is a pre-emptive strike. Try to find a way to talk to her and assure her that you ARE interested in her and her life and want to talk about where this is going. And be honest.

Rod Steele

That is the difficult part. She is not fond of talking about things that deal wi th emotions. She told me back a few months ago that it is vary difficuly for her because in the past her feelings were belittled and ridiculed. I know she has low self-esteem. She told me her self that her ex kille dher esteem.

So, yes, how do I show her I am there and wont be running but at the same time, not make her feel like I am pressing her to open up if she is not ready.

Her birthday is coming up. Hmmmmmmm

Heddy · #5 (**permalink**) 09-12-04, 11:34 AM

Do something for her that's sweet and shows you care that isn't stingy but isn't to materalised. Lol sounds tricky. Compliment her heaps but be careful not to do it only on what she looks like etc. Tell her how wonderful she is with the kids and how great a mum she is. Also things like how you love it when she's happy and how happy it makes you to see her smile etc. All these things will reassure her that you care and boast her confidence make her feel like she's a wonderful person and she's apreciated. Maybe for her birthday you could take her somewhere she loves (if she has a special place ) this will let her know that you pay attention to what she loves. Buy her something she loves as well as some flowers buy her favourite ones or ones that remind you of her and tell her that they made you think of her.

Hmmm don't lay it on to thick though or u'll make her embarressed and when you do compliment her hug her and look into her eyes and say it meanfully so she can't deny that u mean it. Maybe you could take her and the kids for sunday outings or whatever to show you're commited to her and the kids. It may be a good idea to let her make the decisions on things and then you complimment her choice too but when you ask if she would like to do something (like take the kids out or go out for dinner) ask her casually like "I feel like stretching my legs what about you?" or "I heard there was this great movie on I was gonna go and i thought you might like it, it doesn't matter if you don't wanna go though I just need an excuse not to do the vacuaming lol" etc

Mwa that's me done hope I helped

sparkey · #6 (**permalink**) 10-12-04, 08:58 AM

Well, I called her and no answer. So I just said: Was all prepared to talk, light hearted and just see how she is doing and no answer, catches me offguard...So all I could think of was .....

"Hey Lisa its Mark! Call'd to say hi. Bye"

Heddy · #7 (**permalink**) 10-12-04, 09:23 AM

She was probably out or busy don't worry bout it

sparkey · #8 (**permalink**) 11-12-04, 10:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Heddy

She was probably out or busy don't worry bout it

Received an early morning email from her. Nothing muc, just a "Hey, was busy running the kids to bball and other stuff, sorry I missed your call."

Her birthday is Wednesday, I suppose I should just send a nice card to her with a hand written note.

Nice Lover Boy · #9 (**permalink**) 12-12-04, 07:41 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sparkey

Received an early morning email from her. Nothing muc, just a "Hey, was busy running the kids to bball and other stuff, sorry I missed your call."

Her birthday is Wednesday, I suppose I should just send a nice card to her with a hand written note.

If you can, send her a gift that you think would enlight her day. If you can't think of a gift, send her flowers. Don't give the gift yourself. Be creative and send things like lovers do. The fact of the matter of this action is to let her know that your thinking about her. And in the card, ask her to call you and that you truly hope that things could be like they use to be. You have to be created for b-days with women, women like that.

sparkey · #10 (**permalink**) 18-12-04, 09:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nice Lover Boy

If you can, send her a gift that you think would enlight her day. If you can't think of a gift, send her flowers. Don't give the gift yourself. Be creative and send things like lovers do. The fact of the matter of this action is to let her know that your thinking about her. And in the card, ask her to call you and that you truly hope that things could be like they use to be. You have to be created for b-days with women, women like that.

Sent her a really nice hallmark card. Wishing her a greatb b-day, and that all her wishes, the ones she tells people and the secret ones she keeps to herself, all come true. Hallmark cards are great! Then signed it with a little note telling her when she feels like talking, I am here for her.

After a week of thinking, I am much more relaxed aboutall this. Good things take time and if it doesn't, then it doesn't.

#11 (**permalink**) 18-12-04, 10:47 PM

I'm probably going to be against what everybody else is saying. There is a general rule that is human nature:

Rule #1: If you smother somebody, they will push you away

Rule #2: If you show yourself to somebody as a provider by buying them dinner, offering gifts, etc etc etc... They will either react as Rule #1 (push you away) or they will see you as a PROVIDER.. somebody to PROVIDE for them, and not somebody to LOVE.

Now, my suggestion to you is this: Send her roses.. one time. On her birthday, actually.

Now.. avoid her. Completely. Absolutely COMPLETELY! You need to find something to keep you busy bud, cuz if you do this right you're going to be alone for a good 2 weeks or so. Everytime she calls, just say "Hey i gotta go.. I can't talk right now bye." DO NOT APOLOGIZE FOR HAVING TO GO

Ok, so to her, you sent her roses.. then you won't talk to her anymore! First, this shows you as unpredictable. Now, that you are in a relationship with her, and you are able to walk away without apologizing.. daaaaamn dude you've got some hott shit goin' on. That shows independence mah friend.

Boost your self-confidence level up.. Yes, even if it's pretty high, boost it up a little bit.

Then, she should be callin' you a whole lot more. If she asks you to call her.. come in 25-30 minutes late, you know. You're BUSY now and you don't have time for nothing but HER. So, concidering this, don't sweat it man. Do not care if she can't do something or return an email or whatever. Play it cool bro.

She'll begin to realize what it's like without you.

good advice from a 14 year old?

Heddy · #12 (**permalink**) 19-12-04, 10:49 AM

You're forgeting one thing she's probably scared of the relationship that's the problem. it's good to give her time to think and what not but when it comes down to it she may never run to him if she feels uncomfortable. Another thing the last thing any woman with a couple of kids needs is an unpredictable guy she needs to feel safe and secure unlike what she felt with her two other marreiges with guys who probably weren't safe and secure. It's nice to suprise her nicely but rejecting her is gonna turn her away. And another thing you will hurt her feelings and turn her away even more if u avoid her and never apoligise. If you are busy then naturally say you're sorry but you have to go and that you can ring her back later but don't do it unless it's the truth for goodness sake don't lie to her! She will come around this way but not just because she sees you as a good guy but coz she see's you as a wonderful guy she can trust to be there for her.

#13 (**permalink**) 20-12-04, 05:40 AM

She might be afraid but over time she will realize there is nothing to be afraid of.

Heddy · #14 (**permalink**) 20-12-04, 08:06 AM

But you're failing to miss the point she does have something very real to be afraid of and if he rejects her then he does nothing but make her more afraid. Both of her previous marreges failed because of something and obviously she's afraid of being hurt again.