Friends with rare benefits

[Massageman]

We are both the same age, in fact, we share the same birthdate and birth-city. We met several years ago, and began to date at the same time, just after her divorce. She has two children, both teens, both living with her. I did my best to not come on too strong, but she felt it anyway, and I came close to scaring her off, but went to being just friends after 6 months, which we have been the entire time since, with occasional romantic overtures form me, which she always rebuffs. Ocasionally, but rarely though, she has been very receptive to sexual advances from me. Basically, I'll throw my normal inuendo at her, which she usually laughs at, but she does not laugh, and it goes from there...

We are both very similar in nature, quiet, staid, and a bit shy, but very open and even silly once we get to know someone. We are both in the same ballpark, looks-wise. We have been very open with each other, and have told each other many private things. Basically, we can completely allow our "shields" to drop in each other's presence. I graduated from college just before I met her and have lived 150 miles away ever since. My job makes it so I normally only see her once or twice a month, but have seen her every weekend for the past month.

We began this month of seeing each other with a sexual fling, at which time she seemed to have romantic feelings, but then, by the next week, went back to being just friends. I had told her, over the week after the fling, that I still had strong feelings for her and could see her in my future.

She has a “steady male friend” who treats her as a weekday only friend, and does not call her and often will not return her calls on the weekend. Of course, she is as infatuated with him as I am with her.

I asked about the fling we had, asking if it was just physical, and she said, Yes and no.” I told her that I felt that there was something new in her actions, and she said, “I don’t know but, that would make sense,” and then said, “I do try to feel, for you, the same way you feel for me.” She has said on many occasions that she wishes she could feel romantic toward me.

I bought a book called "Love Tactics, which made me realize that I've been a fool and probably would have been married to her years ago if I had followed the guidelines in the book. I think it's obvious that she likes me more than she knows, but since I've smothered her each time she expresses the slightest interest beyond friendship, and shower her with affection and tokens of that affection, with no commitment, there is little incentive for her to act on her interest.

My original plan was to use the tactics from the book to, slowly, but surely, work back up to another show of affection from her, and then play it cool until I get the fire really going. The book, basically, calls for becoming the very best friend you can be, while playing it cool and treating them strictly as friends, and acting like you could care less if you win or lose them, until they develop an unbreakable bond to you without knowing it. The process can be a long one, but it looks like, if you stick to it, it would work. I highly recommend the book, as it would have saved me much pain over the past 2 decades...

I also discovered Ross Jeffries, "Speed Seduction" and am considering using that on her to speed up the process. Worst case would be, "Are you trying to seduce me?" "Yup." "Well it's not working." and going back to slow and steady. Yes, we are that close, I've already tried hamfisted attempts of that sort, over the years, and it always rolls off her back. I wonder if using such a tactic, even if sucessful in the short term, might "Sow the seeds of destruction," though.

Comments welcome.

[Cybog]

and acting like you could care less if you win or lose them, until they develop an unbreakable bond to you without knowing it

This was pretty much going to be my suggestion. Lay low for awhile and see what happens. Guys always joke about how we don't care if we are getting used, but after awhile it gets real old real fast.

If this is someone you really want to be with, back off with the cash dropping and lovey dovey shit. Just hang back and see how many times she calls you, or asks to see you.

Sure its a lame game to play, but if she is uncertian and doesnt seem to be leveling with you verbally, then feelings are all you have to go by. Slow down and see how she responds.

We began this month of seeing each other with a sexual fling, at which time she seemed to have romantic feelings, but then, by the next week, went back to being just friends.

This is actually kind of important, and will help you to know what kind of relationship this is evolving into, and what is going on with her - Are you guys actually having sex....and if so, what kind of sex is it? Is it pasionate and romantic cudly fuddly, or is it cum all over her face and **** her hardcore sex?

Or is there no actual sex at all yet?

You have to be honest with yourself and figure out what kind of relationship you guys have, in the bedroom and out. There are usually tons of little signs as to what is your best key indicator and what kind of emotional relationship you have as well.

[Massageman]

I had decided not to call her on our birthday and she actually called me, which was a first. I had not called or e-mailed since last sunday when we had a nice afternoon with her kids doing nothing but talking. I had been calling or e-mailing everyday before that. I went ahead and cut the phone call off at 7 minutes, which is what Love Tactics indicated is best when trying to make someone appreciate you more, and she sounded genuinely dissapointed. Hurt me to do it, but I figure if it gets us together in the long run... I have also decided to ask her to start paying for half of the meals when we go out from now on. I've always footed the bill before. I figure that should get her attention that her hold is not quite as strong. I've decided that I'll not call her on christmas, and avoid seeing her until after that, and once I do see her, change my whole attitude from one of trying to make things nice, to just being exactly what I'd be with any other friend. One thing I am doing, in the mean-time, is reading Carl Roger's book, "On becoming a person," which demonstrates effective active listening techniques, as used by therapists. I plan on listening, and drawing her out, better than she's ever had before, but downplaying any romantic stuff until I get her hooked on that, and even then, playing it cool and, "well, I think I like you..."


The sex was just two nights and was a mixture of very loving and tender, always passionate with some "hard-core" thrown in as well. Basically, I described what I was going to do to her, soft-core, sort of romance novel style, which would get her wanting it, then do it. She would also tell me what she wanted, when I was missing something, and I would do it, and vice-versa. The whole thing was, for the most part, very romantic and she seemed to be filled with romantic feelings for me. I then came on too strong in e-mail and in person and it cooled quickly over the course of the week, going back to "like it never happened," by last weekend. The sex we had on several occasions before was very good, and she has said on several occasions that I am, hands down, the most attentive lover she's had, but there was never any romance in it before, more of a release sort of thing. One of the things that really got my attention the last time, was on several occasions, she would say, almost sobbing, "this is what I've been missing."