please help

[emanresu]

Hello.

If you have not read my previous posts, a relationship that I otherwise loved very much ended a few months ago due to impasses with my girlfriend. It was very difficult to communicate with her about some of her actions which made me mad and sad. She was very defensive when I asked her if she could stop being so regularly late, for example, or when I asked her why she was reluctant to mention when she was going to have drinks with a guy friend. OVer many months of this kind of thing, I lost patience. I told her in no uncertain terms that I wanted an end to it if she could not be more flexible and less defensive in such arguements, thereby not listening and not understanding how I felt - I even broke it off a few times as we couldn't get past the same themes. As our anger continued to grow over these things over months, I yelled at her to stop being so evasive, and once even accidentally slapped her as she continued to do what seemed like play games. I say accidentally as it was very dark as we sat arguing, we were very angry, and I swiped my open hand in disgust and it made contact with her chin. I know it was very wrong for the possibility of it happening to even exist, and I felt and still feel very horrible about it; I have never hit anyone in my life before this. It understandably shocked both of us, and she cannot forgive me for that or the breaking it off the few times.

I now understand that my direct approach to these things (concede when you have wronged, and try to understand the other's perspective) was not comfortable for her. In knowing this, I feel that we can be great for each other (in part because I have thought a lot about me, her, and us over the months and now understand how I was contributing to her reactions to me from the start - it seems to me that understanding could make the difference with arguements) as we shared many things in common and a deep soul and sensual connection.

She still loves me (as she says she does, and has implied she could imagine getting back together but far in the future if at all), but is reluctant due to our past. Does anyone have an idea of how I can rekindle our relationship? I want to talk to her about it and explain that the slap was accidental and that I know we can be good together, but am afraid that it will sound like excuses and or drive her away. But if I do not try to maintain closeness, I fear she will meet another man and be lost.

Please help.

Thank you very much.

EDIT: So, I recently spoke with her and she just wants to be friends. She says she's afraid of going back to where we were, though occasionally wavers on wanting to get back together. This seems to come through in conversation as she also says it just doen't feel right to her at this point and wants to see other people if it comes up (though has not, yet), but does say she wants to "see where the friendship leads".

Ahhhh yes... Don't mind me, I'm just a 14 year old teenage smart ass being nosy about this thread, so if you don't want to answer this question it's fine.

If she was once causing arguments and doing things that upset you so much you broke up with her, what stops her from doing it to you now? What has given her a reason to change?

I wouldn't date an ex girlfriend except under very special circumstances.

[emanresu]

Quote:

Originally Posted by LTsK8eR2gO

Ahhhh yes... Don't mind me, I'm just a 14 year old teenage smart ass being nosy about this thread, so if you don't want to answer this question it's fine.

If she was once causing arguments and doing things that upset you so much you broke up with her, what stops her from doing it to you now? What has given her a reason to change?

I wouldn't date an ex girlfriend except under very special circumstances.

It is a good question. I feel that my direct approach may have resulted in her defensiveness. I think it shut her down to listening. I also think the breakup was painful - for her as well - and that she has thought more about what she had to contribute to the bad things. Lastly, she has said she would agree to counseling, though that was before I finaly broke up with her the last time. She is not so agreeable to it now. However, I think that with an objective input from a counselor (versus from friends or family that do not know the story well enough, and may not be objective or honest with her anyhow), she may even better see how people see these things. The combination. If nothing else, I think I know better what influenced her defensiveness.

[emanresu]

Quote:

Originally Posted by LTsK8eR2gO

Ahhhh yes... Don't mind me, I'm just a 14 year old teenage smart ass being nosy about this thread, so if you don't want to answer this question it's fine.

If she was once causing arguments and doing things that upset you so much you broke up with her, what stops her from doing it to you now? What has given her a reason to change?

I wouldn't date an ex girlfriend except under very special circumstances.

Let me know if what I just wrote does not make sense or if I sound blind from the love.

Your relationship won't be like it was before. Any cute nicknames you have had for each other--the trust.. it's all....gone. It won't come back for a long time. It does make sense, but you are also blind from the love to a certain extent. It seems like you are making slight exaggerations on this in order to get things back to where you WANT them.

Remember that humans in general want what they cannot have.

And what you cannot have, my friend, is that relationship back the way it used to be...

[emanresu]

Quote:

Originally Posted by LTsK8eR2gO

Your relationship won't be like it was before. Any cute nicknames you have had for each other--the trust.. it's all....gone. It won't come back for a long time. It does make sense, but you are also blind from the love to a certain extent. It seems like you are making slight exaggerations on this in order to get things back to where you WANT them.

Remember that humans in general want what they cannot have.

And what you cannot have, my friend, is that relationship back the way it used to be...

I think you are right about the long time.

Exaggerations? Can you be more specific?

Hmmm... Not really. Let me ask you, how old are you and where are you from? This will give me some background info and some culture information to help me give you a solution.

[emanresu]

Quote:

Originally Posted by LTsK8eR2gO

Hmmm... Not really. Let me ask you, how old are you and where are you from? This will give me some background info and some culture information to help me give you a solution.

I am 32. She is 31. I am from NY (a small college town). She is from DC (the city). She is ivy league educated. I am state school educated. We are approximately the same intellect, though she is much better with words, I am much better with nature (science and technology). We are both from strict parents, though hers (only her mother, her dad was gone in middle school) is very very strict in expectations and demands.

I hope that helps.

Well, that being said...

You know, if she's playing this mind game with you right now it only shows that once you get back together with her it'll only cause more problems in the future. It shows that she's capable of doing more damage to your emotional status and if it were me I would avoid the trouble--because she's a woman that probably has not changed.

But.. I'm only 14 years old what the hell do I know

[emanresu]

Quote:

Originally Posted by LTsK8eR2gO

Well, that being said...

You know, if she's playing this mind game with you right now it only shows that once you get back together with her it'll only cause more problems in the future. It shows that she's capable of doing more damage to your emotional status and if it were me I would avoid the trouble--because she's a woman that probably has not changed.

But.. I'm only 14 years old what the hell do I know

Sometimes it can help to get a perspective from someone at a different stage in their life. I forget how I looked at some of these things at 14. Some wisdom that can come with more years of life, though there can also be complications and less honesty at times.

Thank you for the thoughts.

Meh.. I was sarcastic when I said "I'm only 14 years old what the hell do I know" because I probably can figure out solutions faster than a lot of people. Not to brag or anything..

[emanresu]

Quote:

Originally Posted by LTsK8eR2gO

Meh.. I was sarcastic when I said "I'm only 14 years old what the hell do I know" because I probably can figure out solutions faster than a lot of people. Not to brag or anything..

You do seem to have some good thoughts and a good sense of when to put aside the jest. Do you have interest in becoming a psychologist some day? With respect for people and recognition of what you do and do not know, you might be a good one.

Oh...my....God..

you are now the 14th person to tell me I'd be a good psychologist.

HELL YEAH i'm becomin one of those shits. they're talkin to me about all their shit and they're thinkin' that i'm takin notes when i'm just drawin stupid cartoons.. and at the end they'll say "so what do u think i should do?" and i'd be like "what?" them: "weren't you listening?" "to what?" "AHHHHHHHH" and there would be another columbine.. they're ****ing going insane HAHAHAHA

[emanresu]

Quote:

Originally Posted by LTsK8eR2gO

Oh...my....God..

you are now the 14th person to tell me I'd be a good psychologist.

HELL YEAH i'm becomin one of those shits. they're talkin to me about all their shit and they're thinkin' that i'm takin notes when i'm just drawin stupid cartoons.. and at the end they'll say "so what do u think i should do?" and i'd be like "what?" them: "weren't you listening?" "to what?" "AHHHHHHHH" and there would be another columbine.. they're ****ing going insane HAHAHAHA

I know you're having fun with this and I actually got a good chuckle out of your AoP clan post. There are some things that it can help to be sensitive of, though. Columbine is probably one of them. Can you imagine being there then? Can you imagine being Eric and Dillon? Do you understand the affect that had on people? Drop a pebble in a pnd and the rippls spread throughout. Everything you do and say has some effect, good or bad, big or small, maybe especially if you are relatively intelligent. You seem like a smart kid, so I imagine you understand this perhaps better than I did at 14 - I learned some of this the hard way since then.

Heh..

You want to know WHY the columbine kids did it? www.pwned.nl

But with all due seriousness, I think there was a reason why the kids did it. There was something that happened to them in their past.. maybe abuse problems or whatever.