GF may want kids, I don't

**gojo** · 26-10-11, 12:37 AM

I am a 32 year-old man, living with my 28 year-old girlfriend. We have just passed our 6-year anniversary, and from early days, it has seemed totally right and like this would be it for the long haul. I let her move in with me after only 6 weeks, as she was in a bit of trouble, and we've lived together ever since. I have stated unequivocally from the start that I never want kids, and she has largely been in agreement with that.

I am a mature student at university, 3rd year, doing very well, and my girlfriend is a social worker who is doing very well at her job. We have been planning to emigrate to Australia when I graduate.

Early on in our relationship, it became apparent to me that she had family issues; turbulent relationship with both parents, and a mother in particular who finds it very hard to express love. This has meant that my girlfriend has attachment issues, which, 3 times over the course of our relationship, have surged to the surface and threatened to destroy it. It has also affected her relations with females in general, making her very prone to try to befriend everyone, and frequently falling into , if I can coin a term, 'abusive friendships'. She has also had a propensity to prioritise pleasing others over herself

With all that in mind, for years I have nagged at her to speak to a professional about it, and finally, a few months ago, she started to speak to a counsellor. She has 2 appointments left. She has made great strides with it, and is starting to become much more independent, and I am delighted about that.

However, the problem is that with this new way of thinking about herself, her wants and her life, the spectre of children has reared its head, and has seriously destabilised things. Her official position at the moment is that she "is just thinking about it now properly for the first time". I, however, am deeply pessimistic about the situation and foresee the end is in sight. This is absolutely the last thing I want though; I am mad about her, I frequently tell her she is the best person I've ever met, and frankly, I can't really imagine ever getting on so well, and clicking so completely with, another person again. Not only that, I don't really want to either!

The problem is that I find procreation completely morally objectionable. In overall terms, I don't think life is a good thing, and since I was a teenager I've wished that I'd never been born. To me, life is nothing but a series of struggles and slavery, and the longer mine goes on, the more I feel that way, so naturally I find the idea of inflicting it on my own children repugnant. If it was any other issue, I could compromise, find some kind of way round it, but this is really The Big One for me.

So I know it sounds like I've posted a closed question, but I am doing so in desperation in the hope that someone can throw an idea into the ring, or recommend a course of action, or something, ANYTHING that will enable me to save my relationship.

Life isn't great, but life without her would be incredibly bleak indeed.

Any thoughts, suggestions and ideas welcome. Please help.

**workingman78** · 26-10-11, 12:44 AM

First off, I really question weither you should be in therapy, to view life as a chore, and to wish you had never been born is a scary thought to me. As far as your problem, have you considered adoption (I would talk to someone, like a pshycologist about if it is right for you) you aren't bringing a new life into the world, but helping a young life to be more fullfilled.

**BackUpOrGetStng** · 26-10-11, 12:46 AM

You find procreation..morally objectionable?

You're a crybaby is what it sounds like. You are the one that needs professional help. Personally, I think you should just jump if life is so terrible. Seriously dude, sack up, and end it.

**smackie9** · 26-10-11, 01:15 AM

When you are starting in a new relationship and see it possibly going for the long haul, marriage, children, goals, priorities and times lines need to be discussed. This is something that should not have been ignored for 6 years. And yes the dicussion need to be kept open for there maybe a chance of new perspectives etc.

I agree you have a right to decide to not have children, and I hope you did dicussed your opinion on this matter with her. There is no use in having children for the sake of staying with someone, and for sure why have children if you don't want any in the first place.

They say tho, if you don't desire children it's because you are not in love enough or with the right person. You have a dim view of bringing chilren into your life could mean not only you don't trust yourself to be a good father, and you don't have any faith in your partnership with her to have children with you.

You both need to get couples counseling to work through this. If you hide it under a rug thinking she will get over it and things will go back to the way they were you are only fooling yourself. It's time for you to man up.

**bulrush** · 26-10-11, 01:27 AM

I have stated unequivocally from the start that I never want kids, and she has largely been in agreement with that.

Of course she said that. She needed a place to live.

Kids are a MAJOR issue that lead to breakups. You two have to agree on this or things will not work out.

Also, get a vasectomy if you really don't want kids. Get it before she "forgets" her birth control.

Vasectomy: $600usd
Michigan child support for 18 years: $300,000usd
Pick one.

**vashti** · 26-10-11, 01:54 AM

If she is in therapy, it is very likely she will resolve this issue by dropping you herself, if not for the child issue, then for the fact that you are such a downer to be around. Why should she want to spend her life with someone who has such a negative view of life? It must be incredibly draining for her.

**surfhb** · 26-10-11, 03:38 AM

First off, you need therapy yourself with that kind of attitude. Why are you in school..... Youre wasting your time right?

You need to have a talk with this girl quick and break it off if you don't come to agreement

It's obvious your life is this girl, so why would you not want to take care of what little hope and love you actually have? Even if it means making her a happy mother ?

**gojo** · 26-10-11, 05:20 PM

Originally Posted by workingman78

First off, I really question weither you should be in therapy, to view life as a chore, and to wish you had never been born is a scary thought to me. As far as your problem, have you considered adoption (I would talk to someone, like a pshycologist about if it is right for you) you aren't bringing a new life into the world, but helping a young life to be more fullfilled.

Yes, I have considered adoption, for exactly the reasons you say. So has she. The problem will be if it turns out to be a '"biological clock" issue.

Originally Posted by smackie9

When you are starting in a new relationship and see it possibly going for the long haul, marriage, children, goals, priorities and times lines need to be discussed. This is something that should not have been ignored for 6 years. And yes the dicussion need to be kept open for there maybe a chance of new perspectives etc.

I agree you have a right to decide to not have children, and I hope you did dicussed your opinion on this matter with her. There is no use in having children for the sake of staying with someone, and for sure why have children if you don't want any in the first place.

They say tho, if you don't desire children it's because you are not in love enough or with the right person. You have a dim view of bringing chilren into your life could mean not only you don't trust yourself to be a good father, and you don't have any faith in your partnership with her to have children with you.

You both need to get couples counseling to work through this. If you hide it under a rug thinking she will get over it and things will go back to the way they were you are only fooling yourself. It's time for you to man up.

I don't think htere's any danger of hiding this under a rug. If only!

It certainly hasn't been ignored for 6 years; contrarily, it has been discussed quite regularly over the course. It's just that with her therapy, the goalposts have now moved.

There's no doubt that personally, we were made for one another. But if she comes down on the side of kids, obviously that's not enough.

And for the trolls, can we assume that if she has stayed with me this long that I obviously have personal features which she loves; she earns good money, and she could easily have dumped me and lived on her own if she wanted to!

**surfhb** · 26-10-11, 05:28 PM

And for the trolls, can we assume that if she has stayed with me this long that I obviously have personal features which she loves; she earns good money, and she could easily have dumped me and lived on her own if she wanted to!

God knows what they might be? You sound like such a joyous person!

**gojo** · 26-10-11, 05:58 PM

Originally Posted by surfhb

God knows what they might be? You sound like such a joyous person!

Could be worse...

I could be an american.

**surfhb** · 26-10-11, 07:59 PM

Originally Posted by gojo

Could be worse...

I could be an american.

WOW! And a witty sense of humor to boot!

**gojo** · 26-10-11, 08:25 PM

You're a hater, man.

If you don't have anything constructive to say, why don't you just say nothing?

**HeartIsAching** · 26-10-11, 10:46 PM

So... what do you want, again? A place to whine?

**Petit Papillon** · 26-10-11, 11:02 PM

The deal is very simple. You don't want kids and she starts to want some .
If you both stay together and she'll decide to have a child, it's possible that you'll become miserable and either stay miserable forever or you dump her and the baby .
You both stay together and won't have children, even if she'll say she accepts that situation, one day she will wake up totally depressed and empty inside, because for some guy she destroyed the possibility of becoming a mother , which for many woman is very important . She either stays with you, unhappy , or she'll dump you , cause you're the reason of her being unhappy .
The best outcome of this situation is to end it before it will be too late for her to find someone else who will share her look at the future .
You were compatible with her miserable-self. Her healthy and happy self is not your soul mate.

**KingZ** · 27-10-11, 12:07 AM

Wow, are you all more retarded than I thought?

How can anyone with the slightest grain of intelligence not realize that life is shit? He's correct in stating that it's just a series of struggles and skipping through various forms of slavery. [url=http://www.raptitude.com/2010/07/good-news-happiness-doesnt-exist/]Happiness does not even exist.[/url]

Fact is, you're right. It's "morally objectionable" to have kids, as you so elegantly put it. Not only is the world already overpopulated as it is, but there are countless of orphans you could (and should) adopt. The idiots out there making more copies of themselves are not only statistically far less intelligent, but in my eyes, reek of egoism.

You should present this to her (as I'm sure you already have). Here's a good compromise: you'd be willing to accept a child if she could adopt a teenager from the orphanage.

She gets her whiny brat, and you only have to deal with him for a few years, as opposed to 18 of them.

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