He cheated, should I end it? - Love Forum

Fizzy · #1 (**permalink**) 18-02-05, 04:36 PM

should i end it

Jenrick285 · #2 (**permalink**) 18-02-05, 11:30 PM

That's pretty bad... Then again any cheating is bad.

Once that trust between the two are broken, it'll never be the same... You might be able to look past it, but I'm sure if you look at him, you'll see him in a very different light... I don't really what I would do to be honest... 12 years is quite a bit of time... It also depends on the person too, and more importantly as to WHY they did...
People that get all their needs fulfilled and are happy with themselves don't go off looking for something else...
What is it you want? Do you think you can look over this over time and fight the animosity that comes over you whenever he does something unpleasant (at least to you)? It's a long uphill battle, but some believe it's worth it because the other person gives them reason to...

Enough of my babble... I need more cofee

Fizzy · #3 (**permalink**) 19-02-05, 12:09 AM

Thanks for your reply, I do keep asking myself "why?"
When I think of the other woman, I know she is attractive, and younger than me..but if that is the reason, then there is not a lot I can do about that is there. I am who I am, and I can't change that, but I am the person who he has been with for the last 12 years. If he dosen't find me physicaly attractive anymore then why did he move in with me? I'm feeling very confused about all of this.
I'm also wondering..did he not tell me about it because he didn't want me to be hurt, or because he didn't want to face what he had done?
I don't know if him not telling me makes me feel better or worse?
Does anyone have any (or know anyone who has had) experiecnes like this?
Can you really get over being cheated on...or is our relationship now doomed to failure?

schueys_girl · #4 (**permalink**) 19-02-05, 12:41 AM

Have you talked to him thouraly about this? He owes you answers to all your questions and if he isnt prepared to answer them then you definetly should move on. You need to find out if he still does find you physically attractive etc. 12 years is a long time to be together and i agree with you in that throwing it all away over one event would be very hard. But he should of thought of that before he did it...

Surely him not telling you should make you feel worse...at least if he broke down and confessed it would show guilt and remorse and that he could be honest with you about it. Him not being open is quite worrying. You need to get a lot of answers before you can decide whether it was purely something he truly regrets, or whether it was a cry for help to get out of the relationship....good luck -x-

KaWaiiSkYe · #5 (**permalink**) 19-02-05, 01:21 AM

on and off for the past 12 years? doesn't sound very stable to me.

Frasbee · #6 (**permalink**) 19-02-05, 02:15 AM

Give 'em a swift kick to the balls, forgive 'em and leave 'em.

KaWaiiSkYe · #7 (**permalink**) 19-02-05, 02:19 AM

yesh, just leave em. move on mate.

prelude01 · #8 (**permalink**) 19-02-05, 04:59 AM

He moved in with yah cause hes comfortable with yah bascially. Look at it this way if he fooled around and it didn't work out he can always come home to you. He probably didn't tell you because how would you approch such a delicate subject to tell someone you been with for 12 years? I know it wouldn't be easy cause you would have to build up a lot of courage to do it or you just don't care. You probably be worst to find out later than sooner especially if its a secret. No one really likes to find out secrets especially bad ones that concern a persons life. Definatelly the relationship will take a lot of working on if you both feel the same. Although in my personal opinion cheating sucks if it happens get out find someone else. I rather someone break up with me than cheat on me. Peace Out!

Fizzy · #9 (**permalink**) 27-02-05, 12:15 AM

Sorry to rake this up again as all the replies I had were really helpfull.
I have decided to give it one more try...for a few months to see how I feel about him and the situation.
However, now I have discovered that when he had sex with this woman, it was unprotected...this just makes me feel sick. He thinks I'm over-reacting, and that it's "not a big deal" but how can he say that, when he's slept with me since.
Am I over-reacting..or is this another reason why I should be out of this relationship once and for all??

OroDeL · #10 (**permalink**) 28-02-05, 12:59 PM

I'm a guy.... i dont know how i could ever cheat on someone I really cared about. There is no way you are over reacting. I really dont know the situation too well so arnt going to tell you to keep him or end it....i just know that if i really cared for someone i would never cheat on them

koolus · #11 (**permalink**) 28-02-05, 01:00 PM

good luck... be careful though... once a cheater always a cheater...

cycletease · #12 (**permalink**) 01-03-05, 07:16 AM

Every person is different on what they can forgive in their SO. Some people are fine with something that would be deal breakers for others. I know someone who's boyfriend is a real shithead and likes to call them fat in front of people to embarass them. For me the guy would be history, for them it is part of the relationship.

For me cheating is an absolute deal-breaker. There is no way I could ever forgive, forget or have any desire to do either. The trust in the relationship and the respect is the most important thing and I could never go back.

Many, many women have worked through infidelity with their husbands and have gone on to have reasonably happy relationships (although I imagine the women would always be nervous).

More than both are the women who have been cheated upon but never know. How exactly did you find out about his infidelity? A couple of points of thought for you:
1) I highly doubt that this just "happened", I would stake more than a quarter on the fact that this was a premeditated and eagerly anticipated interlude. One does not just end up in bed with a coworker without having had thoughts, desires and planning for a night when you would be out of town.

2) What is worse to you, him being willing to betray you for a meaningless roll in the hay or him having a relationship with another behind your back? I can't decide what is worse. Also consider the other type which is the serial cheater who does it regularly for the excitement. None of these types are real appealing but it might be good to examine his reasoning.

3) Doing it in your house is truly an exercise of disrespect to you. He knows that is where you sleep, where you wake up next to him, where you have talked. If he can cut off any emotion about having another woman in that most private space, I would question his feelings about all sorts of things.

4) Sex without protection is common but is exceptionally disrespectful in this situation since he lacked any concern about potentially exposing you to deadly disease. But also ask yourself if the disgust is also with a condom acting as a physical barrier and that it is more cheating because he touched her in that way....?

A good point was made: was the cheating a result of a breakdown in your relationship? Had things been going astray, had their been a loss of intimacy? My understanding is that cheating because of problems are generally the types that can be worked through. If he was acting like all was normal, everything was A-Ok but went out with someone else as soon as you left town...I would seriously take a look at why you are staying with this guy.

I am supremely sorry that you are going through this. It is a horrible betrayal and assault on your heart as well as your self-esteem. Please keep in mind that people cheat on young and attractive people as well.

BlackRose · #13 (**permalink**) 01-03-05, 11:07 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by koolus

good luck... be careful though... once a cheater always a cheater...

So true!

mhussain · #14 (**permalink**) 01-03-05, 05:43 PM

i really cant say anything fizzy, am facing the same thing myself.(and i am a guy)

whatever u do, just think it out first.

Hussain

cbee · #15 (**permalink**) 02-03-05, 04:56 AM

Hey,

My ex cheated on me, there wasn't really any point in thinking too much about what I was going to do. He was in the army the relationship was based soooo much on trust that I would never have been able to deal with him being away from me, tough considering he was posted to Germany & was about to be deployed to Afganistan.

Anyway, this website http://messageboards.ivillage.co.uk/iv-ukrlbetrayed helped me a lot - it's for people in the UK (I think there's also an equivalent US site) but I'm sure they won't mind you asking questions etc... even if you aren't in the UK. Lots of them are battling the same feelings.

Hope it helps.

Claire