Needing him to tell his ex... - Love Forum

al407 · #1 (**permalink**) 03-03-05, 11:37 AM

I have been in a relationship for a year with someone who has a child with an ex-girlfriend (in state) AND an ex-wife with a step-child (out of state). Very early in the relationship, he crossed the line physically with BOTH. We have since truly worked past that, and I do trust his commitment to me. My issue has to do with the fact that neither of these women (who he has to communicate with because of the children)know about me. He's going to be talking with the ex-wife...but the (in state) ex-girlfriend poses custody issues. She threatens making life hell for him if he finds out he's dating someone. I am SO UNCOMFORTABLE with her not knowing about me. I am finding myself more insistant that he tell her, even if it requires talking with his lawyer first to protect himself. He is insisting that he won't tell her until we are just about get married, which marriage is a mutually intended plan - no rushing. I am going crazy with her not knowing...she has been trying every single day to prode her way back in. She is a desperate woman making every effort possible to get them to TOGETHER again. I trust him, but not her. What can I do? And I am aware, as long as I am in his life, both of these women will be in mine in one way or another. Help!

bohemiandonut · #2 (**permalink**) 03-03-05, 12:41 PM

It seems like it's going to be his decision. All you can really do is trust him and tell him you trust him.

Believe me, if you do something drastic, like tell the ex-girlfriend, you will regret it.
You will.

Just relax, and enjoy your time together. If you want to keep him, that's all you can do.

Peace.

Laguna · #3 (**permalink**) 03-03-05, 01:00 PM

Yea, this is a chance to prove that he is really faithful. If he stays with you and nothing happens between him and his ex, it shows how trustyworthy/loyal/loving he is to you. This is a good chance to make sure everything is RIGHT.

al407 · #4 (**permalink**) 03-03-05, 01:14 PM

Any recommendations on how I handle the fact that I am insiting that he tell both of them, including the one who threatens to make his life hell...possibly by making his custody/visitations of their child an issue? He has been understandably putting me off saying "we'll work it out" with no follow through. I am growing impatient and a bit resentful.

Laguna · #5 (**permalink**) 03-03-05, 01:16 PM

Tell him how you need him to make a decision now and stop putting it off like it's nothing; cause it isn't.

al407 · #6 (**permalink**) 03-03-05, 01:25 PM

Thank you for saying that. I respect the fact that this is a tough position for him to be in. I have told him that. To me, this is a major challange for him not intended to creating conflict. I have to be careful of this bringing this topic up in every conversation I have with him, too. Believe me, this is as annoying to discuss for me as I am sure it is for him. That doesn't change the fact that nothing has happened yet.

bohemiandonut · #7 (**permalink**) 03-03-05, 02:56 PM

Why does he need to tell her?

Have you asked yourself that?

al407 · #8 (**permalink**) 03-03-05, 10:28 PM

I think her daily efforts to contact him, get an emotional rise out of him and get back together with him are wearing on me. This is not appropriate for anyone to do to someone seriously involved with someone else. I would prefer she know that he is no longer an option. At a minimum, I want her to know that if she does continue, SHE is crossing a line. I want that line VERY clear...with anyone. That is important to me as an ongoing respect to the trust rebuilding process. I do trust him now...but ANYONE who can't draw the line for whatever reason with constant inappropriate offers poses, in fact, more of a threat. I feel as long as she doesn't know, she see's the door wide open to continue this otherwise TOTALLY inappropriate and unacceptable behavior.

misombra · #9 (**permalink**) 03-03-05, 11:01 PM

the guy cannot be punished by the court in a custody battle for having a girlfriend. if she's threatening to make life hell, well that's a threat that can be addressed in court. he won't lose whatever custody he has for having a girlfriend, unless she's a crack whore. people who threaten to make life hell for others end up suffering the most, and why is your boyfriend so frightened with her?

al407 · #10 (**permalink**) 03-03-05, 11:19 PM

She has apparently made things very difficult for him and his family in the past. I don't think he is frightened, just avoiding a major inevitable burden to him, his family and, of course, his child. And then there's me... maybe my issue is the dealing with the burden if he doesn't tell her...maybe something deeper like not being worth the risk of further burden...maybe both. I still think he needs to respect and act on my desicion with this. If he doesn't tell her soon, I don't know to do.

misombra · #11 (**permalink**) 03-03-05, 11:49 PM

well if she is the type of person who would put that big of a burden on you and your man then it's really none of her business. her not knowing isn't opening doors really, she'll continue acting like that either way. be happy that she doesn't know you and can't really do anything about you. she doesn't need to know. it's not like she'd think, "oh well he has a girlfriend so i have to leave him alone now." that probably won't happen. you think?

al407 · #12 (**permalink**) 04-03-05, 12:00 AM

No. As a matter of fact, it has been made pretty clear she won't change her behavior. I just want is made clear she is stepping over a very clear line. I need that line to be there. That line is what makes things boundried. That is so important to have those boundries in relationships. Problems come when boundries are violated. Maybe I wouldn't have felt so strongly if the line hadn't been crossed by him in the past, but it was. I need him to keep those lines very clear as a result. Is that so irrational? If he communicates and sets that boundry with her...he can be more clear in why it is not going to happen with her to drive that point home. Ideally, she'd move on eventually, but not when the door seems so wide open.

misombra · #13 (**permalink**) 04-03-05, 02:52 AM

you can't control what he does. can't control what she does. there are boundaries but boundaries get crossed all the time. it's hard because he's cheated before and you just don't want it to happen again. but you can't control that.

al407 · #14 (**permalink**) 04-03-05, 03:11 AM

Well, I suppose that is ultimately the issue at hand. I am needing control over this. I absolutely can insist he tell her, and he absolutely can not do it... I just don't know what to do then. This is not something want to endure until it is time to get married, but it is not a deal breaker either. I am truy in love with him. I am also human, and now concerned for the UNcontrolable growing resentment this situation is clearly becoming capable of.

misombra · #15 (**permalink**) 04-03-05, 11:17 PM

well i certainly hope things ease up. keep us informed...