Friends of the opposite sex while dating... - Love Forum

DarkTravesty · #1 (**permalink**) 16-03-05, 01:40 AM

Okay, well I'm 24 and my girlfriend is 19 and lives on her own. She had a couple guy friends from highschool that she still talks to which was okay at first. We have been dating for a year and 8 months now and she has met a few other "guy friends" through her new jobs. She also hangs out with one of the girls from her work as well, but when her and this girl hang out, the guys always seem to be around too. I love her so much and she says she loves me, but I've had previous relationships where I didn't mind if the girl had guy friends, but when I did it always led to the demise of the relationship because that guy is filling an emotional void somehow that I should be the only one filling. I also don't feel she puts me as a priority in her life and that her friends are more important than me. We had talked about marriage at one point even. I guess I am just wondering if my feelings are fair to her. The flip side of this is that if I talked to any of my old girl "friends" she would get jealous. I don't talk to any of those girls anymore because I don't feel the need to, I only want my whole heart to belong to my girlfriend. I plenty of guy friends to hang out with. ... I feel like I'm rambling here, but someone please enlighten me :o)~

greeneyedgirl23 · #2 (**permalink**) 16-03-05, 01:50 AM

I think that it is perfectly fine for her to have male friends. I also think it would be okay for you to stay in touch with your female friends. If the two of you are in a relationship together, you should trust eachother enough to have friends of the opposite sex! Especially if they are friends from before you got together. They should be your friends by now as well. Just remember that the friends from high school are in her life, both past and present, and a part of who she is! I think that it is okay for her to have met new friends as long as she isn't spending a tremendous amount of alone time with these guys... that would be a bit too much.

I agree that you should fill certain emotional needs in her, and i think that you are a great guy for wanting to be so committed to her. Just remember that 19 and 24 are a big maturity difference, she may seem to have it together, but she is really young and could be on a different level than you. She still needs to grow up. What happens when she turns 21 and is introduced to the bar scene? If you are upset with her being around other guys now, what happens then?

I know that relationships can be tough, I am going through some really confusing stuff right now. Feel free to take a look at my post and maybe give me some advice as well!!

Keep me posted!
Greeneyedgirl

C1d6OC · #3 (**permalink**) 16-03-05, 02:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by greeneyedgirl23

Feel free to take a look at my post and maybe give me some advice as well!!

Am I missing something? Looked for your thread and nowhere to be found

And with regard to Dark's problem, I agree. Don't give her the impression that you don't want her having friends of the opposite sex. It's a bad idea and a sure sign of insecurity. My ex did that and it bothered me like crazy. I kept trying to reassure her to no avail. You need to understand that in relationships, it's not just about YOU. It's about having that time for yourself and friends and with her. I'm not accusing you of being selfish, but as soon as you start to get worried about her having guy friends, that comes to mind. You will notice right away that if you grant her this freedom, she will end up in your arms in no time.

UNLESS IT BECOMES AN ISSUE, DON'T MAKE IT ONE!!!

if you need advice with getting rid of those insecure thoughts, I can help you with that too. Let us know.

Cdoc

DarkTravesty · #4 (**permalink**) 16-03-05, 02:48 AM

Let me use a couple of examples that happened recently and tell me if I'm overreacting. First was just last night when she went to go see her friend Chris's basketball game...To me I felt like why does she need to go see his game and why wouldn't she have invited me to go with?? She never invites me to go out with her and her friends either, to me it's weird..so I asked her instead "can I come with you" and she's like "I guess" like she didn't want me to go??

Second example is I saw some pictures of her hanging out with her friends, one of the pictures was of her sitting on her bed and this other guy laying behind her with his arm around her. Another one was of her crouched down and a different guys arms around her. To me I don't think she should allow that kind of interaction with other guys.

C1d6OC · #5 (**permalink**) 16-03-05, 03:03 AM

I see your point Dark, but listen it could mean that she likes the alone time with friends. If she feels pressured by you always wanting to be there, it will be tough. She is 19 and still needs to grow as greeneyed mentioned and if you are constantly harrassing her about it, she'll feel cornered. You don't want that. Now I'm not saying that it's what you're doing to her, but by how you are posting, it's how you "feel" and actions speak louder than words.

I would like to hear a bit more background. When you two are alone together on your own time, how is she? is she responsive? does she seem bored? is she happy? these are questions that may need to be approached. If you guys are extremely happy on YOUR time then you really don't have anything to worry about. TRUST and COMMUNICATION. They are important. I say that if you start to notice things making you feel uncomfortable, confront her about it, but don't accuse her. Just be civil, but don't sacrifice how you feel and let yourself down. I just mean if she makes you second guess, stick with how you feel.

You need to understand that your feelings are absolutely normal on a level of letting us know, but as soon as you start to show these feelings to her, it may be different. All of the suggestions mentioned above should be clear enough to you and I'm not saying to keep things inside you, because that wouldn't be right either. There's got to be a balance and if you make her feel otherwise, she may start not wanting you around as often. Insecurity and Jealousy destroys relationships if it gets out of hand. Go out with some friends once in a while and see how she reacts. I bet you'd be surprised that she might show some signs of jealousy as well. This is not to make her jealous, but it's to show her that you're cool with her decisions. Keep that in mind.

Cdoc

DarkTravesty · #6 (**permalink**) 16-03-05, 03:55 AM

Quote:

When you two are alone together on your own time, how is she? is she responsive? does she seem bored? is she happy? these are questions that may need to be approached. If you guys are extremely happy on YOUR time then you really don't have anything to worry about.

Well now that you mention that, our time together is great, she is very lovey dovey towards me. It seems that I'm not a priority in her life because our time spent together is so little. We both work full-time jobs, but I always try and make time for her when she needs. It seems she spends more time with her friends than me. Another thing I question is why she'll seemingly put more effort into her friendships than hers and my relationship. For instance she is willing to stay out later on a work night than if she is with me. Or she'll stay over her friend's house, but not my house. She used to stay with me before when I had my apartment that I shared with a roomate, but now I live in a townhouse with a couple friends of mine and I basically have more privacy now and more of my own space because I have the basement and she doesn't want to stay over hardly at all it seems.

I appreciate everyone's opinion on this subject as it is giving me a better understanding of how I really feel about her. I LOVE HER SO MUCH and that is why I'm so confused. :o)

greeneyedgirl23 · #7 (**permalink**) 16-03-05, 04:22 AM

I do agree that she should have some time alone with her friends doing her own things. I think that you should as well, that is only healthy! I find it strange that she doesn't like to stay at your house, have you asked her what the reason is? Does she like your roomates? I think that you should ask her to tag along with she and her friends on occasion, so that you can get to know them. Let her know that that is the reason you want to go, not to check up on her. Maybe she will bring you around more. I think that she should want to include you in her life, even if just on occasion.

DarkTravesty · #8 (**permalink**) 16-03-05, 04:55 AM

I started my post a little inaccurate...her and I actually broke up last night over this...however I've been thinking about it all day today and was having second thoughts about doing it...however...I just called her again and told her that the reason I was more jealous was because she was allowing these other guys to hang on her and she's supposed to be my girlfriend, I would NEVER allow another girl to put her hands on me. I also told her that wether she realizes it or not her allowing this the guy is getting something from doing it...and she said oh there's nothing going on.which maybe true, but I still feel she shouldn't allow that to happen...so if she can't understand how I feel and not even want to work on it for a guy she says she's been in love with for almost 2 years...the relationship just has to be over I guess... :o(

C1d6OC · #9 (**permalink**) 16-03-05, 06:05 AM

Ok. before going any futher. Who broke up with who? If this is the case, I'd have to go back and rethink, because it's different once it's no longer a relationship. Let me know.

Cdoc

DarkTravesty · #10 (**permalink**) 16-03-05, 06:15 AM

Well it was kind of mutual I guess, but I guess if I had to pin it on someone it was probably me that broke it off, but believe me it wasn't easy, I cried a lot last night because of it, I've never cried about someone like I did about her. 2 years of dating ended because she doesn't think it's a big deal that she's allowing guys to hang on her.

Only-virgins · #11 (**permalink**) 16-03-05, 06:17 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DarkTravesty

Okay, well I'm 24 and my girlfriend is 19 and lives on her own. She had a couple guy friends from highschool that she still talks to which was okay at first. We have been dating for a year and 8 months now and she has met a few other "guy friends" through her new jobs. She also hangs out with one of the girls from her work as well, but when her and this girl hang out, the guys always seem to be around too. I love her so much and she says she loves me, but I've had previous relationships where I didn't mind if the girl had guy friends, but when I did it always led to the demise of the relationship because that guy is filling an emotional void somehow that I should be the only one filling. I also don't feel she puts me as a priority in her life and that her friends are more important than me. We had talked about marriage at one point even. I guess I am just wondering if my feelings are fair to her. The flip side of this is that if I talked to any of my old girl "friends" she would get jealous. I don't talk to any of those girls anymore because I don't feel the need to, I only want my whole heart to belong to my girlfriend. I plenty of guy friends to hang out with. ... I feel like I'm rambling here, but someone please enlighten me :o)~

She is having sex with them.