trouble with fiance...please help - Page 2 - Love Forum

blackiesharley · #16 (**permalink**) 21-03-05, 11:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by boyo74

i think i agree with u blackiesharley....but if she dont call this could start to get stupid....i dont wanna go and call and her her think she can do things like this to me for the rest of our lives...

It CAN sprial down and get stupid, no doubt. I'm in a situation myself at the moment. (Different, but still going down the toilet fast.)

I still say defuse and try to work things out after the smoke clears in a few days. And PLEASE, whatever you do, work it out before you marry her. You don't want this kinda drama the rest of your life, believe me.

Geeezzz...I'm so good at giving advice but so bad at taking my own. Guess that's why I drop in here so often, for objective opinions.

boyo74 · #17 (**permalink**) 21-03-05, 11:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by blackiesharley

It CAN sprial down and get stupid, no doubt. I'm in a situation myself at the moment. (Different, but still going down the toilet fast.)

I still say defuse and try to work things out after the smoke clears in a few days. And PLEASE, whatever you do, work it out before you marry her. You don't want this kinda drama the rest of your life, believe me.

Geeezzz...I'm so good at giving advice but so bad at taking my own. Guess that's why I drop in here so often, for objective opinions.

i hear you...i definitely do not want to deal with this type of stuff for any length in time in my life...let alone forever

al407 · #18 (**permalink**) 21-03-05, 11:55 AM

Well...in terms of the approach to talking with her...whenever you have that moment...make sure that she knows you are wanting to get to the bottom of the issue at hand (learn what it is) rather than coming off as just trying to get rid of a burdensome exchange of frustrations. To get to the bottom of it, you have to be strategic not defensive. It may not work out in the end with her, but like I said earlier, you will have hurdles like this to jump all of your life with whomever you end up with. Better to figure out the best ways to handle these situations, even if just through trial and error, now. Don't you think?

blackiesharley · #19 (**permalink**) 21-03-05, 11:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by boyo74

i hear you...i definitely do not want to deal with this type of stuff for any length in time in my life...let alone forever

PM me if you want to chat privately. I'm going through my own personal hell at the moment and frankly, I don't even love her, just love what we could have had, it seems a real shame.

Anyway, ou remind me of myself by your posts. We both want instant resoultation (spl?) and get into a panic mode, but that's the worst thing that we can do in a crisis.

Breathe. Deep. Calm. Moment by moment. It'll all work out for the best in the long run, one way or the other. Trust me.

boyo74 · #20 (**permalink**) 21-03-05, 12:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by al407

Well...in terms of the approach to talking with her...whenever you have that moment...make sure that she knows you are wanting to get to the bottom of the issue at hand (learn what it is) rather than coming off as just trying to get rid of a burdensome exchange of frustrations. To get to the bottom of it, you have to be strategic not defensive. It may not work out in the end with her, but like I said earlier, you will have hurdles like this to jump all of your life with whomever you end up with. Better to figure out the best ways to handle these situations, even if just through trial and error, now. Don't you think?

i hear what you are saying....me and her are very compatible...so there really is nobody else i would rather jump lifes hurdles with than her...its hard when i have to deal with all of my friends in my ear telling me not to call...tomorrow will be day 5..this is the longest we have not spoken to each other in our 4 years on dating...1 of the 4 being engaged...

al407 · #21 (**permalink**) 21-03-05, 12:09 PM

Good luck. Five days is a long time. I have tried that method of making a point before, lasted one day, but it is hard. It didn't do me a damn bit of good, only talking it out did. I am sure this is just as frustrating for her. She's probably keeping her phone near by...I'd bet on it.

boyo74 · #22 (**permalink**) 21-03-05, 12:14 PM

we'll see....i just feel really bad for hanging up in her face...i feel guilty...i would go as far as to say we are both guilty...she can stick to her guns...but so can i...maybe ill send her an early easter card tomorrow in an email...too bitchy???..lol

al407 · #23 (**permalink**) 21-03-05, 12:27 PM

No, not at all. The best way to get her into a sympathy mode vs. angry mode would be to share how bad you feel about what you did. Take responsibility for your part in it...hopefully, she will follow suit. Let her know that you are aware that something was bothering her and looking back you only wish you had known how to communicate better with her at the time. Since you didn't, you hung up frustrated. Going with that apporach will give you a greater likelihood she will start working on being much nicer to you and your relationship. Not to mention...move you past this game you both are playing with each other right now. Again, she's probably waiting by her phone or checking her email more frequently than usual. Go for it. You'll feel better.

boyo74 · #24 (**permalink**) 21-03-05, 12:47 PM

maybe ill give it a shot tomorrow...see what the day brings..

al407 · #25 (**permalink**) 21-03-05, 12:48 PM

Keep me/us posted. Good luck.

boyo74 · #26 (**permalink**) 21-03-05, 12:49 PM

u got it...thanks alot guys

Chlorine · #27 (**permalink**) 21-03-05, 08:59 PM

Boyo74-----Maybe your fiance was jealous of how nice you treat your sister. No real reason for the feelings. Just plain green-eyed jealousy.

Than when you confronted her, she maybe have felt ashamed for being jealous, but pride got in the way, and she went on the defence.

Syd · #28 (**permalink**) 22-03-05, 12:43 AM

This girl sounds like she just needs a little re-assurance...but i mean u gotta find out wot shes unsure of before you can do that which is why i can understand youre confused. shes obviously not making this easy for you, but hey, we women never do! hehe. perhaps shes just after a little attention or affection. i think Al's right, sit and talk it out until the real reason's out in the open because judging from the above conversations there is def something else on this girls mind that she might be embarrassed bout asking or telling you...

Captn Pringle · #29 (**permalink**) 22-03-05, 10:43 PM

i think she has a problem with your families dependency on you. and then the way they may treat you after you do what they want from you. it seems like there is alot of gossip maybe around and maybe she doesnt want to be involved in it. and doesnt want you to be the one bearing thr brunt of it. and then being gossiped about to boot. i think that once you are married and out from under foot i think you will be better off. but i think its time to end the game and just get together and have it out. and let it go where it may. and if your gonna defend your family atleast let her have her peace first.

al407 · #30 (**permalink**) 23-03-05, 11:08 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Captn Pringle

i think she has a problem with your families dependency on you. and then the way they may treat you after you do what they want from you. it seems like there is alot of gossip maybe around and maybe she doesnt want to be involved in it. and doesnt want you to be the one bearing thr brunt of it. and then being gossiped about to boot. i think that once you are married and out from under foot i think you will be better off. but i think its time to end the game and just get together and have it out. and let it go where it may. and if your gonna defend your family atleast let her have her peace first.

Ooooh... This is so true. This could definitely be it. I know I love my guy's family, but since I have very limited time with him (with him working out of the country and all) we definitely compete for time with him. Doing that and playing nice can be a stress-builder-upper...hence totally random episodes of upset.