What response will heal these wounds? - Love Forum

xareon · #1 (**permalink**) 25-03-05, 06:04 PM

Hey everyone,

It's been a while since I've posted on here, but once again I come back begging for your advice. My girlfriend and I have been together for 8 months and we've gotten really close. I'm sure she's the one I want to spend my life with.

I'm what you might call the epitome of a nice guy, I know that one of my weaknesses/strengths (I'm not sure which) is that I genuinely want people to be happy around me and if I screw something up my usual response is "I'm sorry" and I do truly feel it. Well every time I screw something up with my girlfriend I always apologize WAY too much and I KNOW it. I've even recently started apologizing for apologizing so much.

Tonight I called her at 11:30pm to leave a message because I thought she had her phone off since it was off before but it wasn't. I heard the first ring and hung up but it woke her up and pissed her off. I got the message "Now that im awake because someone decided to call me at 1130 pm I will have a wonderful freakin night". I immediately sent her a message apologizing but I didnt get anything back. Tonight I felt very depressed... I felt like telling her sorry a thousand times, but I realize that always saying sorry doens't really help much, I want to make her feel happy... not sad because I am. Feeling sorry for what I've done always leads me to the paridoxical emotion of feeling sorry for feeling sorry and I KNOW that the most that will help things is make her feel sympathy and that's just a temporary bandaid that I will have to later pay for down the road by deminishing her respect for me. So tonight I was thinking, the only other choice I have is to not feel sorry in the first place... find a way to break through her anger by making her laugh or something else, I can't let myself fall into these pits of depression otherwise what good is our relationship? The only problem is that I don't know how to do that... I don't know how to reach her when she's angry except by wearing my heart on my sleave and telling her how much I'm sorry and I love her.

Tomorrow I'm going to be at her house working on my car when she gets home (its there because her step-dad's a mechanic) how should I approach her when she gets there? My first natural reaction would probably be to reflect her anger a little and not say anything to her when she got home, my second reaction (and not any more logical) would be to smile weakly and try to appeal to her soft side by showing her that I was sad/sorry... but I need something new... I don't have the humorous wit to make her laugh when shes in a mood like that. I've bought her several roses and tulips in the last couple weeks for different reasons so I really need to let the romance card cool off a little before playing it again. So what do I do? Can anybody give me a little advice? Whats the best response to anger?

Thanks
Tennyson

Dymondgirl · #2 (**permalink**) 25-03-05, 07:37 PM

Sounds like you know what your problem is very well. I would not tell her your going to stop saying im sorry but just do it. Tomorrow act like everything is ok..you said your sorry so let her anger ride out. If you say sorry to many times but don't change your actions it doesn't mean squat. That old saying actions speak louder than words....lol

xareon · #3 (**permalink**) 25-03-05, 07:53 PM

But how do I react to a brick wall? Don't you think it's insensative if I'm just all jolly and refuse to acknolage the anger in any way?

mhussain · #4 (**permalink**) 25-03-05, 08:24 PM

mate,
u have said that u were sorry. now act like a man. and respect urself. repeat RESPECT urself. he who cannot respect himself will not get any from others.

second, saying sorry to defus a confrontation, even when the failt is not urs, is avery wise tactic if done properly. when u say sorry, say it with a straight face and say it only once or twice. do not repeat it over and over again.

if she is still cross with u ask her why she is still cross. if she is still waiting for a few hundred more apologies, than not talking with her for a few days wont kill u mate.

Hussain

xareon · #5 (**permalink**) 26-03-05, 03:15 AM

Thanks for your advice... I'll do my best to follow it.

Dymondgirl · #6 (**permalink**) 26-03-05, 03:21 AM

If you see her upset ask why do not say sorry. Then talk about the problem and try to fix it together. I think she might want to resolve things instead of you always ending it with an apology..lol

xareon · #7 (**permalink**) 26-03-05, 03:38 PM

Thanks... thats the logical answer I was looking for.

thanks for your advice

#8 (**permalink**) 27-03-05, 10:14 AM

I think women feel more powerful and will feel more at ease to control and dominate over you when you apologize a million times.

I agree with what was said above, only apologize once or twice.

Heh.. I have a hard time apologizing once

ASHLYNN NOVA · #9 (**permalink**) 28-03-05, 07:28 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dymondgirl

If you see her upset ask why do not say sorry. Then talk about the problem and try to fix it together. I think she might want to resolve things instead of you always ending it with an apology..lol

Agreed here, work out her and your problems together, your both at fault at times. You both need to acknowledge that. No ones perfect.

bluestrattos · #10 (**permalink**) 28-03-05, 08:28 AM

first, like you probably know or should know, "don't ask for apologies, avoid them". Why do you always have to say "i'm sorry", are you always causing troubles to someone, to her ? Why do you feel that need of asking for apologies ?? Maybe some Freud wannabe can explain that need. Try to find out why your girlfriend is always anger, and try to talk with her without starting the conversation with something like this "i'm sorry, i'm very sorry. Can you forgive me? i'm so sorry". In 8 months, you probably know what she likes, so pleaser, do something that you know that she might like. Remember, talk is cheap