Guys...ever wish you could have seen it coming and handled things differently? - Love Forum

al407 · #1 (**permalink**) 30-03-05, 08:54 AM

Guys and girls communicate differently. We all know that. Guys, how would you want to be approached if this is where you were with your girl? She has had some troubling things to talk about with you (involving you)...doesn't have to get to the point of a heated discussion, but she has tried to talk and you...as a guy...have not picked up on it or intentionally avoided contributing to help making things better for your loved one to dodge conflict. My question... How would you prefer to be approached at this stage with the objective to get you involved in working through the given issue without the girl freaking out on you first or just getting so frustrated she just leaves you?

al407 · #2 (**permalink**) 30-03-05, 09:37 AM

BTW...girls...please feel free to comment...particularly if you have had success in this situtation.

petertown · #3 (**permalink**) 30-03-05, 10:14 AM

You're really going to need to specify on what the subject is

al407 · #4 (**permalink**) 30-03-05, 10:25 AM

Subject: We have issues with his ex (that he has his daughter of 2 yrs with). This ex was a f**k friend that had an "oops" situation. Anyways, he and I have been together about a year now, and he confessed to me as we were getting serious, and he began talking of marriage with me, that he had slept with her when we were dating early on. She is, in fact, a psycho *****, and he had a trend that sex would shut her up in hairy situations. ANYWAYS, that was a while ago, he confessed...I have trust issues, obviously, but I have chosen to work through them (No "dump him" responses please...I have chosen to do otherwise).

Point is... I need to work through this trust issue. He knows it. He knows and kenw then that she was going to be part of the scene forever b/c of their daughter. SO... I have serious issue to the level of communication they have now. OF COURSE, they have to talk about their daughter...but KNOW, she wants him back...and makes attempts every damn day. So...I would like to talk with him about how we are going to deal with this and be able to talk without making it a bigger issue than necessary (albeit a big one already).

Ratfish256 · #5 (**permalink**) 30-03-05, 11:48 AM

Well if he has told you that much he at least is trying to work it out. Just ask him what you can do to help becuase in the end it really is his problem. Make sure that he knows you want what is best for the two of you.

al407 · #6 (**permalink**) 30-03-05, 12:26 PM

Thank you for the response. We have talked about it briefly. This is obviously a topic that is going to affect our relationship for a bit (to say the least). I am getting the impression that now that we have had a few conversations on it and I am still with him, he thinks he is off the hook. We have only begun the healing/trust rebuilding process. I am SIMPLY needing to talk with him about this and get some reassurances as well as some questions anwsered from time to time. That is where I am now. If he even thinks it is coming up, he starts giving me one word answers and no contributive feedback. I still need to talk about it to move on. That's what I need to talk with him about...again, it doesn't have to be confrontational, just two adults working through a very real issue (created by him).

bohemiandonut · #7 (**permalink**) 30-03-05, 12:57 PM

Fact: This is probably as hard for him as it is for you, if not harder.

Now, what exactly are expecting to get out of this "discussion?" Can you pinpoint it? What could he possibly say at this point that would ease your mind for the rest of your life (or even your week?)

If those questions made you think, or come up with some impossible answer, maybe you should consider a different approach.

If you have, as you say, "chosen" to stay with him, then you have also chosen to trust him. So, live up to it! Instead of confronting him about it, be his support. Be strong, and silent. Wait for him to come to you. Tell him you trust him and that you are proud of his being responsible about this.

You do deserve some reassurance, but maybe he needs it more than you do at this point. Don't underestimate the pain of guilt, it can even outweigh jealousy and doubt in some situations.

I hope you can make an attempt to be supportive and mature here. Have some faith. If you show him love, it may just come back to you.

Peace.

al407 · #8 (**permalink**) 30-03-05, 01:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bohemiandonut

Fact: This is probably as hard for him as it is for you, if not harder.

Now, what exactly are expecting to get out of this "discussion?" Can you pinpoint it? What could he possibly say at this point that would ease your mind for the rest of your life (or even your week?)

If those questions made you think, or come up with some impossible answer, maybe you should consider a different approach.

If you have, as you say, "chosen" to stay with him, then you have also chosen to trust him. So, live up to it! Instead of confronting him about it, be his support. Be strong, and silent. Wait for him to come to you. Tell him you trust him and that you are proud of his being responsible about this.

You do deserve some reassurance, but maybe he needs it more than you do at this point. Don't underestimate the pain of guilt, it can even outweigh jealousy and doubt in some situations.

I hope you can make an attempt to be supportive and mature here. Have some faith. If you show him love, it may just come back to you.

Peace.

Thank you. You know... that was the most thought provoking response I could have read. I don't know that it is going to be any easier on me. I am just looking for reassurances from him. Trust just doesn't pop back after a situation like this. That's why it's a trust rebuilding process. He very well could be suffering, too. Maybe he's over it. Bottling up my pain on this can't be the way to go completely though...and I do still hurt. But I will try to be more mindful of the other side of the coin. Champaign can numb my pain in the meantime, I guess.

yoshikuni · #9 (**permalink**) 30-03-05, 01:54 PM

I admire you. You have your heart set on this guy, and you've stuck by him throughout all this mess. Most girls/guys would just say "screw it" by now and would have given up on each other, since breaking up and divorces seem to be the most popular trend nowadays...
Otherwise, just remember that communication is what makes relationships work, and champaign will only solve the problem temporarily, because once it wears off the problems are still there. Just rmember to turn the other cheek when this is over and try to get along with the aftershock. Remember, you get together with him, you get together with his past, including his daughter, and part of that also belongs to the psycho *****. Things only get to you if you let them. Best wishes!

bohemiandonut · #10 (**permalink**) 30-03-05, 02:17 PM

Yeah, champagne is pretty sweet.

Good luck 407!