Dead Beat Boyfriend? HELP! - Love Forum

Fyesteema4 · #1 (**permalink**) 24-05-05, 05:46 PM

When I met my boyfriend he was living with his parents. He has lived on his own before but had moved back in to save money. His parents gave him a time to move out by and he was looking for a place when he lost his job. Oh, and by the way, he doesn't have his license, or a car, or a cell phone! I have actually gone apartment shopping for him, yet he doesn't follow up. He can also get his license back by paying a reinstatement fee, but he hasn't. He's looking for a job now, but everything is going so slow, and he doesn't want/isn't taking my help. I want to be supportive but I don't want a loser boyfriend. What should I do and what do I say to him???

Diablo · #2 (**permalink**) 24-05-05, 06:53 PM

The first thing he has to do is get a job. How is he supposed to pay for an apartment and that other stuff with no work? How hard is he looking for a job? If he's hardly looking, the thing to tell him is goodbye. If he is looking for a job fairly diligently, then don't say anything except maybe "good luck"

Fawn · #3 (**permalink**) 24-05-05, 10:49 PM

One thing to remember is that you can not change your bf/gf. You may hope that he's going to get better, that he's going to pay for rent and other things. Its not going to happen. He's not going to change. You say you don't want a dead-beat boyfriend. Well, he already is one. So make a choice. Are you willing to live with this? Don't you deserve someone better? Don't you deserve someone that has goals and the drive to work?

ALovelyLady86 · #4 (**permalink**) 24-05-05, 11:00 PM

Fye just because he doesnt have everything at his feet doesnt make him a loser. Jobs are extremely hard to get, at least in my area, and you cant expect him to get an apartment if he has no money!
Sounds like to me he's doing all he can. Like I said if he has no money he cant get a lisence or a cell phone (why is a cell phone important?) or any other materialistic thing you might want him to have.
He doesnt want help because he doesnt want people to give him everything, he wants to earn it himself..I'm the same way.
I think honestly this is more about you. He's doing nothing wrong...these things do take time. Be patient.

Converse · #5 (**permalink**) 24-05-05, 11:22 PM

Think about how this must be effecting him, I bet he feels like a loser himself and maybe even depressed about the situation. Go job hunting together, once he gets a job things will be better, he'll feel better in himself, giving him a positive attitude and then you can get a place to live together.

artyemi · #6 (**permalink**) 24-05-05, 11:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fyesteema4

When I met my boyfriend he was living with his parents. He has lived on his own before but had moved back in to save money. His parents gave him a time to move out by and he was looking for a place when he lost his job. Oh, and by the way, he doesn't have his license, or a car, or a cell phone! I have actually gone apartment shopping for him, yet he doesn't follow up. He can also get his license back by paying a reinstatement fee, but he hasn't. He's looking for a job now, but everything is going so slow, and he doesn't want/isn't taking my help. I want to be supportive but I don't want a loser boyfriend. What should I do and what do I say to him???

Hi Fye-

It's great that you're want to be supportive, but sometimes, it's just better for him to try and do it on his own. TO him, it may seem more like you're nagging him, and he may feel a bit resentful that you're acting like his mother and not his girlfriend.

Tell him that it bothers you that he's not doing these things. Heck, if you feel that you don't want to be with a loser boyfriend, then let him know that (without using the word "loser" of course.) You don't want to get into name-calling because that can get ugly.

Or you can just keep quiet with a little "encouragement" here and there.

confusedsoul · #7 (**permalink**) 25-05-05, 12:44 AM

as a starter.. change the font color

oneloadedbanana · #8 (**permalink**) 25-05-05, 01:08 AM

hate to say it but sounds like hes unmotivated,..what a turn off. i relize that we live in a world now that women are bread winners (power to them

) but come on,.who wants a mooch? gl with that one.

Fyesteema4 · #9 (**permalink**) 25-05-05, 03:14 AM

You all have given great advice. I know he is really upset about the situation but the thing is when he had a steady job and money he didn't go out and take care of the things that he could have. I know of course he does has to get a new job for any of that to happen. Right now he pretty much hangs out at his friends house all the time, and I used to come over and sleep over there with him all the time. Now he tells me I can't. And since his parents are trying to get him to move out, they won't let me come over either. It seems so hard to see him. Last night when he was telling me I had to leave, I responded "Fine, why don't you just call me when you have a job and a place so we can hang out," Too harsh?

ALovelyLady86 · #10 (**permalink**) 25-05-05, 03:48 AM

Not at all....
Tell the kid when he grows up to call ya lol.. only do it nicely people get more mad when they know you arent mad lol

shh! · #11 (**permalink**) 25-05-05, 04:10 AM

If even his parents are trying to give him the boot, you can bet he is a loser. Run fast and far; don't look back.

Converse · #12 (**permalink**) 25-05-05, 04:15 AM

How old is he? If you love him don't give up on him. I can understand that it does annoy/upset you.

Only-virgins · #13 (**permalink**) 25-05-05, 09:59 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fyesteema4

When I met my boyfriend he was living with his parents. He has lived on his own before but had moved back in to save money. His parents gave him a time to move out by and he was looking for a place when he lost his job. Oh, and by the way, he doesn't have his license, or a car, or a cell phone! I have actually gone apartment shopping for him, yet he doesn't follow up. He can also get his license back by paying a reinstatement fee, but he hasn't. He's looking for a job now, but everything is going so slow, and he doesn't want/isn't taking my help. I want to be supportive but I don't want a loser boyfriend. What should I do and what do I say to him???

I don't see how this is your problem. Thats his problem and all you should be concerned with is if you love him or not. Do you have your own job? If so then why are you worried about his? It doesnt make him a loser just because he has no money.

Also I have a feeling that all the people telling you to hit the road are going to be girls.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fawn

One thing to remember is that you can not change your bf/gf.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ALovelyLady86

I think honestly this is more about you.

I believe these above are the key sentences and some-were in them are the answers.

Only-virgins · #14 (**permalink**) 25-05-05, 10:01 AM

These situations annoy me. Sluts demand houses, cars, and money but can't even keep their legs closed for you. It is a give and take thing and if he has nothing to give then you dont give either...offcourse if he gives you love then you can give love back..just dont pay for anything if he has nothing to pay for you.
love =/= money.

PS: I made sure to use the word "slut" just to annoy misombra lol

Fyesteema4 · #15 (**permalink**) 25-05-05, 10:45 AM

He's 23 by the way. I do love him, he's been great to me, but I also have been great to him. Its just frustrating because its like impossible to see him, and he doesn't make any effort to, and he knows i'll do ANYTHING to help him out. I think that he probably won't call me for a while because what I said, which is fine, because I don't mind not seeing him if he needs time to get stuff done.