How to ring a silent belle?

[Caspar]

I'm a very blunt and honest guy. I don't keep much in, and I express my feelings pretty openly.
My gf is quite the opposite. If something bothers her she clams up and becomes more and more distant over time. I also suspect whatever little things bother her get tacked on so the original problem just snowballs.

It's a lot of work to pull that awful thing out of her. How can I get her to be more upfront and immediate with me? Is that even possible?

[COAD]

Possible - You need to tell her that she can tell you things and you will understand.

[Caspar]

Done that. Many times.

[Tone]

Give it more time maybe? How long have you been dating? Maybe she just needs more time to feel comfortable with you and open up to you.

[mhussain]

Caspar ... ever thought that maybe ur extreme openness and straight up behaviour is one reason she clams up? it may or may not be .... but think about it

also there are times in life when u have some problems ... and u simply want to keep them in ... at that time a bf hugging her is more helpful than a bf asking her to confide in him ..

if she wants to tell u , she will tell u.

take care

Hussain

[Caspar]

Years.

Yeah, maybe I'm overbearing.

I just have to keep asking, nicely. I tell her I can tell something's bothering her and I can't be happy knowing she's unhappy so I ask her to tell me what it is, no matter what, and we'll just talk about it.
It can still take days to get it out.
Sometimes it's something big. Sometimes it's really small.

I'm a big, dumb guy. If she would simply tell me if I'm doing something wrong, I'll adjust but I'm probably too dense to figure out I'm doing something wrong on my own.

[Cybog]

Do what I do. Stop caring.

What you, and the other 2.5 billion some men in the world need to realize, is that when women start in with the "Oh, nothing is wrong...." (pouty face, big lip) bullshit, you need to do exactly what I do during this pathetic attention garnishing:

Stop caring. Simply say "Ok!" then go on about your life, not giving any of the bullshit a second though.

Why is this?

Women do this for attention. If they were open and upfront with you in the relationship she WOULD tell you what is on her mind. Or, she is being honest with you in the fact that nothing IS wrong.

You are putting too much thought into an age old issue that women still haven't got over. You either talk about your problems, or drop it. I don't give a rats ass about anything unless you actually TELL me what the problem is. Don't expect me to whine and moan like a godamn lap dog while you pout and sulk.

You tell me nothing is wrong, then nothing is. Period.

[shh!]

(giggle) I can't wait to see some of your responses to lovelylady, Cybog!

[Cybog]

God. Trust me. I have already been catching up. I can only wait to see more of her posts that prove to me just how much of a beating she is.

Misombra is my love mistress, so if Lovelylady has already banned her, I'm most likely not far behind.

[shh!]

Misombra is a sweetie; she and I were banned together. I'm glad to see another practical, sensible sort of person on the forum...

[Cybog]

Feel free to look over some of my old school posts. I've got just the right amount of sensibility that this place needs

[Chlorine]

Caspar---"I also suspect whatever little things bother her get tacked on so the original problem just snowballs."

True of women, but also of men. Not fighting fair.
Like when you are late to a movie and your date gets mad, and everything [unrelated to the issue at hand] starts spilling out.

[whaywardj]

Casper: Went through almost five years of the same kind of thing. Didn't work out in my case. True to form, she was never really very clear about why she called it off, but I pieced together from the final string of emails and phone converstions that she felt as if she was treating me unfairly and didn't want to be that kind of person. (Throw the baby out with the bath syndrome.) Also pieced together that she felt pressured everytime I inquired into her mood or experessed any concern over what she might be going through that she wasn't speaking of. The more urgent I became in my concern, the more she felt as if I was trying to change her. To a degree, she was right. I was. Like you, I'm real open. Some people just arent' wired that way. Who knows? Had I been more tolerant and accepting of her nature, rather than trying to gratify my nature, we might still be together. Will say this also: After I thought long and hard on it, I realized that among the forces driving my impulse to "understand" her was a deep-buried suspicion she might hiding things from me. I'm pretty well convinced now that, once THAT kind of thing shows up in a relationship, unless the partners want to do some serious work soul-searching, it's already as good as over. FWIW.

[Caspar]

Suspicion is always dangerous. Sure. That's a common thing that I see at the root of a lot of threads here (like that one about strip clubs).
We've gone through enough now that I don't worry so much about cheating anymore. Believe me, that's truly a liberation no matter how you arrive at it - be it by full trust in your partner or full trust in the relationship being strong enough to endure that.

No, I don't feel she's withholding secrets from me. She withholds her bad feelings but eventually they come out. I should be thankful for that. My concern is that the longer she holds them in, the worse she feels and for her sake (ok, mine too because you can't be happy if your partner isn't) I'd like her to shed those things as soon as possible. To try and make that happen, I posted this message.

I welcome sensibility, Cyborg. Throwing bible passages at people's problems isn't going to help anything, IMO. Shared knowledge and experience is the best thing and if being an old fart (I'm 35) allows me to pass any wisdom on to anyone else, then I'll try and do that.

[shh!]

Bible passages?