please help me.....do i tell him or not?

[nima]

hey...i'm new to this forum, and kinda have a guy problem, hopefully you guys can help me out a bit! the story is pretty long, but i'll try keep it as short as possible!!

basically a year and a half ago i met two guys at the same time, who i really liked. one of them, sam, was reliable, sweet and kind, the "perfect" guy...BUT....he wasn't EXCITING, and wasn't good in bed....but he was just lovely, ya know? the other, james, was charismatic, older than me, SO exciting, and really good in bed. i started going out with them both at the same time, because i liked them both (i know, not a nice thing to do)....and after two months, james cheated on me...he pulled another girl.

i hardly blame him, since i was the CRAPPEST girlfriend ever - i never spent time with him because i was always with the other boyfriend, who i lived with, so saw a lot more often.

i thought i'd got away with the whole cheating thing, and was still going out with sam but seeing james as a friend and sleeping with him occasionally (even though he had this new girlfriend).

sam had always been suspicious of my relationship with james, and eventually read my diary, cause he was so suspicious. because of that, he found out about EVERYTHING that had gone on with james. sam didn't dump me but told me i could NEVER see james again. because we were friends, i also told james about the whole situation. he was hurt but remained my friend.

so now, i'm still with sam, but see james as a friend every now and then. james is still with the girl he cheated with me on, but she is going back to italy in september and so he has to split up with her - he's gonna be single again.

even though it was a year ago since we had a proper relationship, i can't stop thinking about james. he was just SO exciting to be with, and i'm infatuated with him. he admitted the other day that he still fancies me a lot, and that he was hurt that i was seeing someone else whilst i was with him...but then he's with another girl, so he can't like me that much!!!!

so in summary, sam is a lovely guy, and so reliable - but the sex is NOT good. james is exciting, so interesting, i think about him all the time, and the sex is GREAT. BUT....he's with another girl.

i really want to tell him that i'm crazy about him, but i'm scared that it'll ruin our friendship and he'll reject me. also, i'm scared of losing sam because he really looks after me and is just a great guy. but i can't stop thinking about james, even though it's been a YEAR!!!!!!! it's driving me crazy, and whenever me and james go out....we flirt like crazy too. i just can't stand this tension anymore, i've lived for a year thinking about this guy constantly and waiting for him to call me 24/7. i can't handle this tension anymore, i wanna get my feelings out in the open. but what if he freaks out if i tell him?!!!! arrrrrrgh!!!!! he's told me that he likes me, but i can't tell him....and if he really DOES like me, then why is he with someone else?? maybe because i am? or maybe because he's just messing me around :-(

sorry for rambling on guys, any help would be so appreciated, thank you!

nima xxxxx

[artyemi]

forget them both.

you're bound to find someone who is reliable and exciting in bed.

[nima]

i can't though, i like them both so much, but for different reasons!!! argh!! sorry about this :-( i'm just in such a mess about it!

[mhussain]

so lets get this straight ,

1. u go out with two guys ...
2. u cheat on sam
3. james cheats on you
4. u feel hurt when james cheats on you
5. u r still infatuated with james
6. u like sam
7. u live with sam
8. sam loves you
9. u want james

nima .... forgive me for being blunt but why are u ruining sams life? i understand that the fact that sam is a nice guy means nothing to you, the fact that he loves you means noting to you, all u want is somebody exciting in bed ... that is ur choice and even though i would very much like to say something on it ... i cant..not my place

how old are you ?

Hussain

[artyemi]

nima:

read your story again.

what do you want?

you're staying with sam because he's reliable.

you're thinking of james.

what do you want?

how long do you think you can keep this up?

[nima]

i'm 20....

and i know it looks like that, like i'm totally heartless - but the thing is....i really do like them both so much! before i met these two i'd never been out with a guy before, and because i met them both at the same time, the two relationships just kind of escalated, and before i knew it - i was totally out of control. i feel like a ***** but i can't help the way i'm feeling!! :-(

[nima]

hey....i want sam because he's always there for me no matter what happens, i love him but for some reason we just can't connect during sex. plus we have nothing in common. he's just such a sweet guy.

i want james because i think about him all the time, and i love being with him etc. etc. it's like i want them both, i feel so pathetic!

why can't i make a decision?!!!

oh....plus james has a girlfriend, and i'm SO scared of telling him how i feel and ruining our friendship - but on the other hand, he totally affects my happiness - like i called him a few days ago, and he never returned my call....and since then i've been feeling depressed about it!!!

how sad, i know. but it's like i can't help it! i thought i'd get over james by now, but it's been over a year!! and i STILL can't get him out of my head.

[mhussain]

nima,

i do not care a penny's worth for james ... i hate people who cheat.

u r ruining sams life ... he loves and this is what u give him ... ever tried talking to sam about how to improve ur sex life?

ever tried telling him what u want ...? u think james wont cheat on you again?

u think james loves u? why the admission that he loves yo when his gf is going away?
and u believe it?

Hussain

[nima]

well he's always said that he likes me....

and i know, cheating is terrible, I feel terrible about it - i totally screwed up the whole situation, and i so regret it. but what is done is done! and i can't blame james for cheating on me when i was cheating on him, right?

i also know what you mean about sam - he could do so much better than me :-( i've tried talking to him about the sex but it hasn't worked. he says he's just not into sex that much. considering i've only had sex with 2 guys ever, this has kind of ruined my confidence, cause i feel like the reason for that is ME.

thank you so much for your replies guys.

[misombra]

you are too young to be committed and cohabitated with one person.

also, it's not always about excitement. it's not always about reliability. those two guys are not the only two who possess those traits and some possess them both.

[mhussain]

thats the whole point nima,

u care so much about james .. that u simply dont care anything about sam ....

u werent cheating on james with sam, it was the other way round ...

just naswer my this question?

is tis is what sam gets for being faithful to you .... why should any guy remain faithful?

Hussain

[nima]

yeah, you're right. i guess i've just had my sexual confidence totally shattered by the relationship i'm in now :-( i'm not a very confident person anyways, but the way that sam doesn't seem to like having sex with me has made my self-esteem plummet.

[nima]

hussain....i agree, if i were him, i would have totally walked out on me. but he refused to leave me, he said that he wanted to stay with me no matter what.

and i feel so guilty, and he's so sweet - i feel like i have to be with him the rest of my life even though he may not be right for me, just because....i want him to be happy so badly, especially after what i put him through :-(

gosh, why is this so difficult??

[misombra]

because you don't know what you want in partner. you're still trying to figure that out.

[mhussain]

nima ...

u must make a decision .... for one thing ... ur ruining sams life ... poeple like james will find girls ...

sam loves you ... whether that matters to u or not is upto you ...

but make a decision.

my advice is only this .... u can make a man good in bed ... u cant make him love you

Hussain