Age Difference - Details, Rationales, Frustrations, Questions

[singularity2006]

I was reading through the previous thread about the age difference issue and came to ask about the age difference in terms of the girl being older. I'm totally enamored with this one girl but my parents are doing everything in their power to convince me out of the relationship. Of the issues is the age thing. She is 2 years older than I am, which my parents claim is backwards. I should be 2 years older, at a minimum.

They contend that being youths, we do not see our difference in age but by the time we are 35/40, a single age difference where she is older will make her look so old compared to me that it will shame me to unhappiness forever. Looking at your parents, if your mom is older than your dad, how much older? And how much older does she look compared to your dad if you were to guess age regardless of the actual number? I've worked so long and hard to get this relationship going and I love this girl so much. I can't imagine being so shallow....

In addition, I talked to some other old folk at my workplace and they have living examples of their own employees who married women older than them. Though I wonder how big the age difference was. In anycase, for them, what they had going on was an inferiority complex where after years, the woman would look physically older than the guy to the point where it became an issue for the guy because he felt "weaker" because he no longer had the "mature look." This is under the assumption of course that the woman began taking advantage of her older look to control the guy and pull a fast one over him, which is what happened. In another case, the guy simply wasn't mature enough anyway even though he looked OK with his wife. He was just a player.

But on the final part of the conversation, the lady I talked to said that in .1% of cases where the girl is older, things work out assuming these two conditions are met: 1. the girl looks fine as hell regardless of age, 2. both people have hearts made of gold. Otherwise, 99.9% of relationships where the girl is older leads to failure. Anyway, it's really tough finding a balanced opinion because asking people my age, they say the age thing don't matter. And then talking with people my parents' age, they say it does matter. Both sides are very skewed and I have yet to find a balanced opinion or rationale. I'd love it to just say "age don't matter and Imma dive in" but to pacify my own mind in regards to the things my dad has been saying, I need some kind of justification for it. Because in all honesty, I've been feeling like crap attempting a breakup over only the issue of age. If anything, a breakup must be because the issue must be material in nature. Age does not seem to be a material issue.

Anyhow, I agree that giving birth will add like 5 years or more to the look of a lady, but seriously, can 1 or 2 year difference where she is older become THAT noticable by the time you are 30 or 40? Is that a qualified generalization or can I safely say that it is only a narrow viewpoint that has varying sides?

And I would really love it if you guys could bounce this question to your folks too if they are in the age range. I would love to get some varying opinions on this matter.

[whaywardj]

Didn't you just say all that somewhere else?

[singularity2006]

Yes, I did. Sorry if it seems like a double post. I thought it deserved to be in its own thread since the scope is slightly different from the previous thread (that, and I also wanted to take a poll).

[whaywardj]

I see. Well, it's a very tedious post which seems to be studded with several ridiculous presumptions....women age 5 years after pregnancy...men loose physical seniorty...99.9% here, .1% there...I really have no idea what you're trying to get at. If it's a question of 2 years difference in age in whichever gender, I'd say it's all pretty moot, Chinese tradition notwithstanding. Just sounds like heavy-handed relatives trying to control other people's lives to me.

[artyemi]

Crazy! Where did you get these stats? If that's what they are.

When I was 15, people used to tell me I look like I was thirty.

Now, I'm 20 something, with a son, and sometimes, people tell me I look like a goofy 20 year something.

[shh!]

In anycase, for them, what they had going on was an inferiority complex where after years, the woman would look physically older than the guy to the point where it became an issue for the guy because he felt "weaker" because he no longer had the "mature look." This is under the assumption of course that the woman began taking advantage of her older look to control the guy and pull a fast one over him, which is what happened.

I have never heard of a woman gaining power by looking older. In fact, I think women are aften valued LESS as they age because their looks (a very strong source of power) begin to fade. Also, giving birth did not age my appearance. Some people age well due to good genes, melatonin levels, and staying out of the sun.

I'd say a year or two older is no big deal once you are talking about adults and not teenagers.

[singularity2006]

Crazy! Where did you get these stats? If that's what they are.

When I was 15, people used to tell me I look like I was thirty.

Now, I'm 20 something, with a son, and sometimes, people tell me I look like a goofy 20 year something.

When it comes to the 99.9% and .1% stat, that is actually just a generalization made by the jewelry store lady at work. In terms of real world statistics, an Oxford University sociology team looked across the EU (I think it was the EU) at divorce rates compared with myriad statistics. Anyhow, I was discussing this with that lady at work and in terms of age, where the woman is older than the man by 3 years or more, divorce rates shot up radically. In terms of those between 1-3 years older, divorce rates were the same with cases where the man was older by any amount.

It's funny because I keep hearing about how Asians are supposed to be the youngest looking on the planet (something in the genes) but when it comes to this situation, my folks do a damn good job of blowing it up to show how women age like crazy (this being in contrast to so many statements they make about how "young" Asian women look).

And as for shh!, thanks for the comment. I was considering the lifestyle differences from Vietnam to the US as a justification for what my folks were blabbering on about. In VN (and for most developing nations), it's not uncommon for women to be working in the fields all day or out in the market selling. Lots of sun exposure, lots of kids, poor health care, so it is more than plausible for women to age like crazy. Looking at my grandma, it is wildly apparent considering she is only 1 year older than my grandpa, whom is still looking like he is in his prime, exercising vigorously everyday while she herself can barely carry a small bag at the end of the day from work. But here, in the USA, good health care, decreased exposure to sun, different work and lifestyle in general .... I'm using that to justify a difference.

But you know, it is kind of ironic... lately, I noticed that A LOT of the girls that usually shop at our store started dating and all of their BF's look at least 10 years older than the girl. I myself am against that large of a difference.... it just looks so weird when the guy looks old enough to be the girl's dad. But then again, there's also the issue of culture.... all these girls here are Vietnamese or Chinese. There's also a culture thing at work.... it's especially tough since all my life I've really whole-heartedly accepted much of my culture (I'm a first generation Asian-American for my family) and I value keeping as much of it intact as possible.... but when it comes to throwing emotions into the mix, it becomes ever so difficult to balance what my heart wants versus what tradition dictates.

I actually had a talk with my gf last night and this afternoon. Last night she got frustrated at me because when we first began dating, she was the first person to bring up the issue of age. By that time though, I was confident, believed that age did not matter. But after my folks found out about the relationship, they drilled the issue of age into my brain hours on end.... that's the thing about Asian parents. They never get tired from lecturing and go on for hours and hours. It's never-ending.... and if anything, a breakup for me, would be caused by frustration from the lectures - not because I whole-heartedly buy into the age of issue as being a problem. But yeah, it is still kind of tough when I see so many examples of what my parents say will happen. My friend's mom is 5 years younger than her dad but her mom looks damn old.... but then again, culture and immigration play a part.

Anyhow, last night my gf told me not to talk to her until I made up my mind to continue with her or just to breakup. This afternoon I couldn't take it, and neither could she, so we met up and decided that to be together hurts already, but to be apart would hurt so much more.

[misombra]

agh, the trap that is love.

[singularity2006]

agh, the trap that is love.

like my cousin once said.... "f**k is a 4 letter word, love is a 4 letter word. To be f**ked is a curse. I am loved, therefore I am cursed."