I don't know how to handle this....

[allsorts59]

Hey all,

This is my first post so bear with me.

I need some advice. I have been with my b/f for 5 1/2 years and we have a colourful history to say the least, however we have been settled for 4 1/2 years and have been happy.

About April we went on a night out and ended up arguing on the way home. I went to bed and he stayed up playing computer games. However when I got up the next morning, our webcam was set up for crotch height and the computer desk had cum stains on it. When i got back from work the webcam had been moved and the desk cleaned. When I asked him why there were stains and the camera was out, he went ballistic and started accusing me of not trusting him and that he was just looking for something on the shelf where it’s kept.

Normally I would have believed him but for the last 3 months he had been really secretive about his computer usage. Our computer was in the spare room and every time I would walk into the room he would immediately log out and they pronounce he was doing it to wind me up. All the time this was happening our sex life had disappeared. We had sex once in 3 months. I also discovered that the little red light on the webcam had been covered by a piece of black tape and asked him about it and he said it must just be the original packing tape.

So after the incident in April I became very suspicious and decided to find out what he had been up. I am a IT student and know my way around a computer, so i hacked him password and checked his documents. We both keep porn in our documents but are open about it. However when I was looking through his documents I found over 20 gigs of porn, nothing out of the ordinary until i read about porn addiction. For the last month there was porn in his internet history for every day.

I then started looking at messenger and discovered an Alias name, so i hacked the password and discovered the worst.
Since about mid 2003 he has webcammed with over 75 guys, including people from our area that I know. He has used fake pics of himself, pics of other people and pretended to be them. He had pics that people had sent him of themselves. So I then hacked the email account that went with the alias, and discovered correspondence from guys from online dating sites. He had profiles with all the major gay sites and was using them to attract web cam partners.
I basically take this as cheating on me and have been holding this inside for 3 months now and don't know what to do. I dropped loads of hints about it and even confronted him once asking him who the alias was. He basically told me that he found a virus in the computer that was allowing some one to use our bandwidth, which is bull. I know a lot about computers and there was nothing of the sort on it.
Since i started making comments, our sex life has improved dramatically, he is a lot nice to me, but still picks on me for the smallest things, like forgetting to put the lid on the bed resulted in him not talking to me for 3 days. I read about guilt transference and think this is the reason why. he feels guilty for what he has done and is trying to ease it by making out that I am not so perfect either.

However worse still to come. He has a video mobile phone and it can be used to take 10 mins video clips. After some more searching I found 388 video clips from his phone of him secretly filming guys in the toilets at his work. I mean guys sitting doing the toilet. Also clips of him secretly filming his best friend getting changed. I was throwing up for a bout an hour after I found this. I know some of these guys from his work, i have had to look them in the eye after finding this, and it makes me feel guilty. I mean what if he got caught; he would lose his job, probably get beaten black and blue and be lucky if the police weren't called.

I know that you will all say that i betrayed his trust by hacking the computer but I think that what he has done to me and the way that he has blatantly lied to my face far out ways what i did.

What should i do, should i confront him, or should i just keep an eye on it and ensure he doesn't do it again? I know he is still taking videos of guys at his work; he protects his phone like it was the keys to fort Knox.

Sorry for the length of the post but this has been eating me up inside for months and I am too disgusted and embarrassed to ask my friends for advice.

Thanks for reading.

[wishiwassocial]

I would confront him. You don't have to crop things up, it'll only make it worse

[Fawn]

I agree with the above. Either way this relationship has gone south. I would call the cops on him for voyering anyways. Thats really disgusting.

[shh!]

Eww, I would be really worried about the voyerism. Think of how humiliating it will be for you when he gets caught. (Notice I said WHEN rather than IF.) He is kind of sickening, don't you think? You ought to lose him, and send an anonymous note to a boss at his place of employment, or else now that you know, you have some limited responsibility for it continuing.

By the way, things don't look good for you overall, anyway. He is obviously interested in men.

[coffeecrazy]

I think he is gay.

[ritehereritenow]

There's no way you can let it go. Confront him...but don't say it's disgusting. If you are lucky, he may tell you details and when/why he started. And then go see a doctor who may be able to help him stop it and come back to whoever he used to be. But if you think this is so disgusting that you don't love him anymore, leave.

[misombra]

when can you move out?

he obviously has a porn addiction.

he obviously likes men.

he won't stop and he won't admit anything to you or be rational about it until you leave him, even then that is questionable. he will be very defensive and he won't want to work things out.

if he's taking pictures of men in the bathroom then he has more serious problems than a porn addiction that would require substantial psychological attention.

when can you move out?

[Tone]

I would leave. He's either already, or in the process of turning gay. Probably ashamed of it, hence why he hides it so much, and may be why he keeps a girlfriend. To give him the ultimate cover up. I have a friend who is gay and all through junior high / high school he always had a lot of girlfriend but we all could tell he was startin to turn.

Anyways, yeah that's really gross. I would leave him.

[allsorts59]

Hey all thanks for the advice so far. I should have mentioned that we are a gay couple. I thought I did.
what do you mean by this: "if he's taking pictures of men in the bathroom then he has more serious problems than a porn addiction that would require substantial psychological attention."

What do you think it could be?

[artyemi]

Oh, that makes sense.

But still, he's got a problem. Taking pictures of people at work?

People would considered him a sicko.

Stay away. Or rather, get away.

[TAVS]

Ahhh, the missing piece of the puzzle. Yea, he has no right to take pictures like that without permission. That's messed up no matter what else is going on

[Tone]

Oh LoL forgive me.

I assumed you were a woman. My mistake.

[shh!]

We all made the same mistake! Nonetheless, taking pictures of people in a bathroom without their permission is a major violation of privacy, and I believe it is illegal. Those poor men - what if you b/f puts their photos up on the internet? That would be SO, SO, SO humilating. What a bastard.

[wishiwassocial]

1) go to the police
2) confront him
3) get out of there
4) find a partner who ISN'T a pervert and DOESN'T takes pictures of nude peeing men.

It's just bad when you do things like that. Maybe he puts them on the internet like shh! said. I'm sure you deserverve better than that altough I don't know you, but it can't get much worse than him I guess