| Paranoia. Bloody waste... So... perhaps I should begin at the logical place; the beginning.
I am terrible with women. I am a karate instructor, and I don't know exactly what it has done but for some reason it seems that my training sucked my personality out of my body. I'm stone-faced when I meet people. I used to be much more out-going, but when I meet new people now I talk very little; I watch, I figure, and i stay silent. Needless to say this has not endeared me to the female pursuasion. Several of my friends who are girls say i scare them some times... I don't know why, it's just how I look... irritating...
Anyway, I've been trying to find a girlfriend for a long time. I've never had one, actually. Well, till now... but i'm getting ahead of myself. Nothing through high-school. Things started to get a bit desperate starting college... I needed someone... someone I could trust, someone that could be my companion. Someone I could could think about and smile fondly at over a vast distance. I needed someone. So I looked. I looked far and wide. Many attempts, all but two failed.
The first was a disaster. I fell in love with the ideal of falling in love. My mistake. I later realized she was a manipulative wretch and, after verbally calling her wretchedness to the light, left her to her "other" love; a wonderful crackhead dope smoker who's skull i would gladly cave in for the way he treated her. But, no matter; she's a wretch and a fool and undeserving of what I have to give, I can find someone better. Someone who isn't a lieing, manipulative, angry, deceptive whore of a woman.
As you can see, my first relationship wasn't very good. But life seemed to get better quickly. I found someone very special... though with a hitch. She's 3 and a half years younger than me and her mother despises me. Her father is a drunkard and has hit her before. Her mother is a fake, a malicious conjurer of false faces. They both have emotionally abused my beloved for a long, long while. Several years of therapy, a breif lock-up in a madhouse, and the like have only deepened her hatred for her parents. I wish I could help her.
At any rate, we're not allowed to see each other save for the short whiles during our fighter practices. And even these moments are wonderful in themselves. A look, a breif touch, so many words held in a wordless voice. We have dubbed ourselves romantics; I a traditionalist romantic, she a hopeless romantic (So dubbed herself). We place importance on small things; holding of hands, a tiny kiss. These things mean worlds to us, so please bear with our archaic feelings in light of the mainstream world that I see about us.
She says I am the only person she has actually missed, the only guy she actually goes out of her way to talk to. Her friends were shocked to find out she had a boyfriend; they never thought it would happen, so "picky" is she.
She is in Costa Rica right now on a school-sponsored trip... and I miss her dearly. Today she called me, much to my suprise, using a $10 phone card that she went out of her way to purchase.
My problem is this; I have become afraid. As a rule, I don't care about people. I've had best friends die in car accidents, plane crashes. I saw one become a drug fiend in front of my eyes. Caring about people leads to a weakness that can be exploted, and WILL be. So a wall is built between myself and the people I know. She has penetrated this wall.
I am afraid... afraid for her... afraid of losing her... afraid of so much.
She tells me of sicknesses... of a lump in her throat that her mother will not take her to the doctor to see... of aches and pains... of burns inflicted by her own hand (she has since stopped doing this, by the grace of God.). I myself am almost doubled over in pain by her troubles...
I am so afraid for her. I can't do ANYTHING, and it drives me mad. All my life if something pushed me down, if something threatened me, I could deal with it. Smash it into tiny pieces if necessary. But this... I am helpless. I don't want to lose her... so many girls have I seen, and she is the only one I deemed special enough to devote myself. She has so much within her, chained and locked away by the hand of fate.
And then the foolish fears. Jealousy. Irrational fears of her losing her feelings for me. I know it is ridiculous... even she has told me before. But I don't want to lose her.
She means too much to me.
I remember once reading a book that basically said "Your first few relationships WILL fail. Period." What a terrible thing to think? So my love for this wonderful girl MUST fail some day? It defies logic why human beings would put themselves through this torture.
When I was single, I lamented my predicament. I loathed my not having a girlfriend. I was miserable. And yet, I wonder if I would have been better off never having met my love... never having allowed myself to actually care about the fate of another. Apathy or Bliss, coupled all at once with despair over the inability to Know, to See, to Affect.
Sad, sad world that man has inherited, overladen with tears of hate and despair and too barren of those same of joy.
Last edited by Ulf : 14-07-05 at 11:59 AM.
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