Is it right to keep old letters/momentos? - Love Forum

singularity2006 · #1 (**permalink**) 15-07-05, 12:30 AM

My gf admitted to keeping old emails from guys that she used to like back in the day and claimed that she no longer liked any of them and kept them for no reason at all.... is it right to keep old momentos like that?

What's more is that the one most recent guy she kept the email of was the one where she kept changing the story to me. She tells me she simplified the story so it would be easier for me to understand.... yeesh.

So this guy from 3 years ago (same time she received the email) she originally said she liked but he got married. She told me that loooong ago. Then yesterday she tells me that he liked her but she didn't like him. Then last night she told me that she liked him and went out w/ him because his grandpa introduced him to her and wanted them to date but the whole time she didn't like her.... yet she receives an email before she leaves for America from the guy telling her about the winter in Vietnam and then a line telling her how much he misses her and loves her..... now this coming from a guy that is already married? And then she keeps the email for 3 years and says she has never spoken w/ him... seriously...

What am I supposed to think of this?

TAVS · #2 (**permalink**) 15-07-05, 12:44 AM

I have tons of old momentos including Photos, leters, cards, trinkets etc. I think it really depends on the person. I keep these items as memories of relationships that made me happy. There's nothing wrong with keeping someone in your heart long after things have ended as long as you dont let it effect future relationships.

Prodigal · #3 (**permalink**) 15-07-05, 12:49 AM

Well, I know some people who still cherish past relationships, even though they've been in others or are in another. This girl said it was strange, that some little part of her heart will always be to her first guy she was really serious with. I don't quite understand, but I accept it. Unless she has taken action on it, I don't think there's much to think about. Doesn't sound like you trust her too much... that's a bigger problem than the e-mail, really. If you trusted her more, you wouldn't think ill of this.

Personally, I don't think it's a big deal.... if you think it is, maybe you should bring it up with her to clear it up.

shh! · #4 (**permalink**) 15-07-05, 12:52 AM

Quit asking questions about her past relationships; they really are not any of your business. (Sorry for being blunt, but I couldn't think of another way of saying it.) Those days are over, but they are still a part of her. If she wants to keep small souvenirs of days gone by, who cares? So long as she is not actually pursuing anything more...

whaywardj · #5 (**permalink**) 15-07-05, 01:03 AM

It's a fine line, singularity, between you wanting to control her and her wanting to keep her options open. Only trust over time can help you distinguish where the one thing ends and the other begins. I agree with shh!. Her past is none of your business unless she invites you to it. Her friends are for her to deal with, not for you to manage. Whether she does the right thing with friends who may make overtures to her is for her to respond to, not for you to command. I sense you're a little more insecure in the relationship than might be good. Extend her the benefit of doubt. She might well put your concerns to rest without any prompting from you at all. I'd think you'd, at least, want to give her the opportunity to.

singularity2006 · #6 (**permalink**) 15-07-05, 01:06 AM

yeah, the insecurity is there because of some prior experiences and observations. I've had friends that kept onto old momentos of past relationships with the hope that they may rekindle that relationship in the future. I've had a couple of friends breakup w/ a perfectly good bf/gf because they wanted back to the first. Not exactly sure what to do w/ it now.

Prodigal · #7 (**permalink**) 15-07-05, 01:10 AM

Singularity,

I can understand why you are insecure about this. But honestly, has there been anything that SHE has done to put any feelings of distrust inside of you? And really... by confronting her about this or trying to control her on that, do you think that you'll magically get her to not do the same to you if she WERE thinking it? A relationship is what they call a 'two-way street'. If she doesn't want on, she can get off.. simple as that. I think you gotta just trust her on this... if you don't trust her, either break it off or accept it somehow.

whaywardj · #8 (**permalink**) 15-07-05, 01:19 AM

I agree with the previous post. AND, other than satisfying a desire to have an overly-tight grip on things, I see no virtue in comparing your prior experiences or what's happened with friend's relationships THEN to what's happening in YOUR relationship NOW.

singularity2006 · #9 (**permalink**) 15-07-05, 01:58 AM

yeah... i guess. But really it still feels hella weird considering the situation.... she tells me the guy was following her for 2 years, then changes the story to say that she was following him because his family wanted her to date him/eventually marry him. Then she says he doesn't like her, gets married himself, then sends her an email soon after with the exact line: "i miss you so much. i love you more than you love me..." and then goes on telling her about his family.... what kind of married guy writes that to a girl he supposedly doesn't even like?

MrDrum · #10 (**permalink**) 15-07-05, 02:35 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by singularity2006

yeah... i guess. But really it still feels hella weird considering the situation.... she tells me the guy was following her for 2 years, then changes the story to say that she was following him because his family wanted her to date him/eventually marry him. Then she says he doesn't like her, gets married himself, then sends her an email soon after with the exact line: "i miss you so much. i love you more than you love me..." and then goes on telling her about his family.... what kind of married guy writes that to a girl he supposedly doesn't even like?

Sounds to me like she may be cheating... id take the high road.

singularity2006 · #11 (**permalink**) 15-07-05, 08:57 AM

I had a chat w/ her this afternoon about that and she had to clarify... she went on to talk about how she honestly forgot about that email long ago and it just sat in her inbox for years. She was justifying the things he was saying because of a very troublesome issue of culture, which I can actually agree with. Many people in Vietnam are obsessed as hell about comign to the US and will marry anyone that will take them. I do not find it surprising for any married person there to get a divorce and to come here through a marriage sponsorship agreement.

At the same time, I think her show guilt about it being an honest mistake seem to be enough for me. I imagine that most people that really did have something would hide would continually brush off the issue.

And yeah, I finally had her clarify the story in its entirety, so things sounded much more plausible. I've gone through a lot w/ her and I think it would be fair and wise to give her the benefit of the doubt because I would prefer not to lose a good thing.

Prodigal · #12 (**permalink**) 15-07-05, 09:00 AM

Good choice. I'm glad it worked out.

whaywardj · #13 (**permalink**) 15-07-05, 09:06 AM

Sounds as if you've got things cleared up satifactorily, Singularity. I was just going to add a comment about language. If English isn't the native tongue of an email author, chances are good he/she won't be aware of some of the implications of what they're writing. And may not even mean what a native English speaker might imagine. Yes, good things are very much worth working to keep. Congrats.

singularity2006 · #14 (**permalink**) 15-07-05, 10:10 AM

heh, nah. These emails were all written in old school vietnamese so clarity was not an issue.