His personal ABM

[bluesummer]

I am so frustrated with my bf right now. Problem is, for the three years we've been together, I've been like, his 'sugar-mama' if you will. I mean, I don't pay for everything, but he's ALWAYS broke. I make more money than him, but he spends way more than me (on crap like going out with his friends, $1000 laser printers we don't even need, etc etc). I pay all the rent, all the household bills, my own personal bills, and then seem to be 'helping him out' constantly because he bank account is always empty for some reason or another.

It's driving me ****ing crazy. Our relationship is totally great, except for this. I always vowed not to let money become a deciding factor in a reltionship, but now it's starting to really affect things. When I don't lend him money, he gets mad and tries to guilt trip me by implying I'm selfish. I'm sure a part of this is his own personal insecurity about having to ask me for money, but STILL. What the hell do I do to get him to grow the **** up? I love him to death but I've actually been entertaining thoughts of ending the relationship over this until he gets some concept of responsibilty.

Thoughts/suggestions? Thx

[Fawn]

Unfortunatly this is one thing you really can't change in him. Until he figures out what an idiotic child he's being, he won't take any responsibility. Especially asking for more money from from you! OMG its as if your giving an allowance to a child.

I don't know what to do in this situation, but I would deffinitly try cutting him off from any of your money. Doesn't matter how much he begs or makes you feel guilty, he needs to learn to save his money and not spend it on frivolous things.

Money problems has broken alot of relationships and marriages. Its something that needs to be agreed upon and solved.

[Stillinlove]

i was living with a roomate like this for awhile. I payed everything, he just lived . he was a good guy, but shit, lol. I was going mad because of him. I talked to him one night (long night) and in the end it came to this--- At ach pay period he gave me x amount so that he wouldnt spend it, so he could contribute. He had this expensive clothing fetish -_-; tO THIS DAY WERE STILL FRIENDS. Im sure you and your boyfriend will get through this somehow. love will find a way =)

[bluesummer]

Yeah, its just that I wish I didn't have to treat him like such a child by 'cutting him off' and teaching him how to spend responsibly. I'm trying my best to work through it with him, but he doesn't see reason. Like, a credit card isn't free money....you have to pay it back (!!). He's racked up three credit cards because he doesn't get this, and now that I got a new one, he's always saying "Just put it on your visa, you can pay it off later." Jesus.

My dad was very irresponsible when I was growing up. He used to take his paycheques and blow them gambling and drinking. My mom had to work two jobs to pay our bills, and even seeing the grief he was putting his family through wasn't enough to get my dad to wisen up. Part of me just worries I've gotten into a relationship with someone like my dad.

[Sami09]

wow this guy seens really bad when it comes to money. My advice talk to him about it. At his age he should understand not to throw away money. What was his past time was in a spoil kid? i hope its works out for you because you seen to really care about him.

[whaywardj]

This is going to sound hard, Bluesummer, but it's how I see it. I see it this way because I used to be him.

He is NOT going to become financially responsible, or even make any effort to, as long there is someone around to bail him out. That would be you, at this point.

Assuming you want to stay with him, You HAVE to make it clear to him that his attitude around money has to change, or the relationship WILL end. If not sooner, then later. He has to know what's at stake.

Then you have to help him change.

If, behind that knowledge, he doesn't get together with you and plan, and then abide by, a budget that makes him live within his means, then I'd have to think you should consider yourself as being used.

If he rises to the occasion, since your incomes are different, you should make a PROPORTIONAL budget together. PM me on that if you're not clear on what I mean.

Good luck.

[bluesummer]

If, behind that knowledge, he doesn't get together with you and plan, and then abide by, a budget that makes him live within his means, then I'd have to think you should consider yourself as being used.

If he rises to the occasion, since your incomes are different, you should make a PROPORTIONAL budget together. PM me on that if you're not clear on what I mean.

Good luck.

I know what u mean by proportional budget, and we've certainly tried this. Because of my higher income, I do pay more of the bills, so I consider it fair in that sense.

He really does try to crack down on himself, but this only lasts until he's gotten himself comfortably back on his feet....and by that I mean TOO comfortable....he starts thinking it's time to spend like crazy again. He's even admitted to me that I have far better financial sense than him, but this confession alone is not going to solve anything. I guess I'm just gonna have to be hard assed and put my foot down!

I do love him, and he's a sweet guy, just a little dense on financial matters. Ah well.....you win some, you lose some, I suppose.

[whaywardj]

I know what u mean by proportional budget, and we've certainly tried this. Because of my higher income, I do pay more of the bills, so I consider it fair in that sense.

No, that's NOT what I mean. And that IS NOT fair. Shall I post what I mean by proportional budget?

And: I know EXACTLY the feeling of "I'm kinda on my feet; now I can splurge." And I did...as long there was someone around who got me over the next hump I created by doing that. Of course, when EVERYONE around me got tired of playing that game with me, I had to change. Primarily, I had to realize that what I was doing was spending a future goal on an immediate gratification. I was doing THAT because I didn't really HAVE any goals to aim my resources at.

[Only-virgins]

I dont make any money. I love mooching on people...it doesnt make you a child..just a person who spits on the way the economy is run.

Anyways....if you dont like to pay for almost everything..then tell him and if he doesnt change then you have the option of leaving.

[whaywardj]

And a victim of visions of grandiosity.

[Only-virgins]

And a victim of visions of grandiosity.

Thinks to himself >>>(I dont know waht your talking about but Ill just)*smiles and nods*.

[whaywardj]

Grandiosity: characterized by affectation of grandeur or splendor or by absurd exaggeration.

[shh!]

Damn! I can't stand guys who can't provide for themselves and are allergic to work (or incapable of it)! My father was this way, too, and my first boyfriend was the same. It made me determined to marry a man who truly likes his career, and that was an absolute deal-breaker. Nothing is worse than a man who will whine about working while spending all your money. (I know you didn't say anything about his work habits, but I often see the two going hand-in-hand.)

All I can say is that I think that the way people spend money says a lot about their character, and simply being nice isn't nearly enough to make for a good long-term relationship. All you guys who complain about girls who are supposed "gold-diggers, take note: this is not about gold-digging, but about being practical. If you stay with this guy and he doesn't get himself together, you are destined for a lifetime of debt, and if you harbored any hopes of eventually staying home to raise a child for a few years, you can forget about it.

I really feel for you, girl!

[Only-virgins]

There is a difference between making little money and not spending it wisely. I think the first doesnt mean youll be in debt but rather not very wealthy. relationships,sex,marriage ..whatever..anything that has to do with a chick should and always will be to me for romance....golding digging ho bags can go somewere else.

[Lonesomepoet76]

I was in a position like that.

My gf (now ex) has two jobs. She makes more than me with both jobs combined, sometimes. She spends it as soon as she gets it on something she can get cheaper. She only shops at the expensive namebrand stores. When she doesnt have enough shed borrow from me, or her mom, or a few bucks from friends. She was always being told that spending like she is will not get her anywhere. She had a credit card and would always max it out. She owed $1000 at one point and would complain that she had no money.

She lives with her mother, has no car, and doesnt pay for anything. I have a car that needs gas, insurance for the car, a phone, and a computer yet she would always expected me to pay her way to. She says if i love her ill give her money because i will get another paycheck to make up for it lol. Whatever. I stopped giving her anything. Her dad wouldnt even give her $5. Her mom, well she still gives a little even after she says no. Everybody has talked with her about her spending problem. As soon as she got back on her feet with her bills she splurged and it repeated over and over. She never paid us back, never will. She knew whats she was doing but didnt care because somebody always bailed her out.

I left out quite a bit of info but you get the idea.

As long as somebody is there that will bail him or her out whoever they are and DOES bail them out, they will never learn to be more responsible. That is my experience. I loved my gf to death,but i had no intentions of going broke with her so i cut her off and dumped her. I had no choice.

If they dont improve, i say lose them and find somebody else while you still have money left. Children? Forget about it.