I'm an awful person =/ - Love Forum

imperfect-truth · #1 (**permalink**) 03-08-05, 02:03 AM

Okay, so I met this guy online about 4 months ago, we really hit it off together, and after a week or so of chatting on the net, we started speaking on the phone together, and have done so every night since. Anyway, he has mild depression, and whilst he was trying to get himself sorted, we decided to put off meeting for a little while. Now, for the first 5 weeks of knowing him, I was working full-time in a beauty salon. I had a massive argument with my boss one day, and quit my job. I haven't worked since. BUT, given that he has depression, he hasn't worked for almost 2 years. But because we live so far away, he announced that he too would find work as he wanted to make sure we could meet every other weekend. I didn't dare tell him that I'd lost mine after that statement, given that he was at last getting himself on the right track. I just figured I'd say nothing, find another job, and everything would be okay. Wrong. I've been lying to him about working for almost 3 months now, and suffice to say, I no longer have a penny to my name. We had arrangements to meet today (he lives 4 hours from me) I was going to get the train to his, and stay until the Sunday. Obviously, I had to come up with some crappy elaborate excuse as to why I couldn't make it, and he got really emotional and said that he couldn't bear to be away from me for any longer. I consoled him with... "It's okay, tomorrow will be fine." ... So yeah, that's where I'm at. I've blatantly been lying about going to work every day, even having to stretch as far to telling him all about my 'busy' day. I can't tell him the truth now! I swear I didn't know I'd have such trouble finding a job around here! It'll cost £50 just to get there and back, not to mention money for whilst I'm there, plus it's his birthday on Thursday, hence why we planned for this week. Not only that, but I now have to explain to him why I can't make it tomorrow either. I know I can't tell any more lies, but I just worry that the 'full' truth will send him over the bloody edge or something (not only because of his depression, but he's been hurt alot in the past) so what can I tell him, that will fully explain my situation, but without sounding too much for him to handle? Heh, oh what a tangled web we weave...

shh! · #2 (**permalink**) 03-08-05, 02:12 AM

Well, obviously you are going to have to tell him the truth, and to be honest, I can't imagine what posessed you to lie about this in the first place. It's not really fair of you to blame his depression for your lying. I guess you will have to 'fess up and hope he forgives you, and hope that your lying to him for all this time doesn't push him into a deeper depression. Good luck.

imperfect-truth · #3 (**permalink**) 03-08-05, 02:24 AM

Heh, I'm beginning to wonder the same thing myself. I suppose I thought that he'd be less inclined to find work himself if he thought I'd lost my job. I didn't want him to start back tracking again just because something bad had happened to me. The thing is, stuff that happens in my life seems to affect his mood also. I'm definitely not blaming his depression for my lying to him though, that was all down to me and my stupidity. I will be honest with him, I'm just worrying about how he'll take it. Obviously, as much as I'd hate for it to be the end of us, my main concern is for his well being. That's why I was wondering if there was some sort of softly-softly approach to this whole mess. Thank you for your reply =)

Zeen · #4 (**permalink**) 03-08-05, 06:04 PM

Yep, be honest. If you don't, this is never going to happen. If he can't trust you now, then when? And you'll be starting to distrust yourself as well, which doesn't really make things better. Be brave, only thing to do. Never build a relationship on false premises, it gets messy...

marcus23 · #5 (**permalink**) 03-08-05, 07:15 PM

Well, you don't even know this guy personally. So don't be afraid to tell him a truth.

MrWhite · #6 (**permalink**) 03-08-05, 07:20 PM

I can sympathize since I used to be a compulsive lier. You know, nothing is worse than having to lie to cover another lie. Especially if the person that you're lying to is a loved one. Like Shhh said, there was no reason to lie in the first place. If anything, if you were worried about him not wanting to look for a job since you had one, then you could have led through example. You know, like let him see how hard you're looking for a job and naturally, he should follow. Regardless, I hope that you have learned your lesson from this incident. Remember, relationships are built on trust and honesty.

In regards to how to approach him, hell, I have no idea. In the past when I had to come clean, I basically just took the direct approach. However, no matter how you really go about it, I'm sure that having a loved one such as yourself flat out tell him that he's been lied to for the last couple of months will be crushing. I hate to be pessimistic, but I can't see this working out well as well as I can't see any feasible action that could be taken that would limit damage. Sorry. I'll try to think of something.