NEW/Looking for sincere advice - Love Forum

sunflower123 · #1 (**permalink**) 30-08-05, 11:28 PM

Hey Im 30F, my situation is quite complicated...I have had a history of self-defeating relationships where I would stay way after I knew I wanted to leave because I was afraid of letting go of a a person who "loved me"-even though i didnt feel loved-never presented any men to my family...always was able to keep one foot inside relationships and one foot out....

ANYHO...i had this close male friend (also 30) for about a year...we work together and our close friendship developed over time...he was married (5years married/8 years dating his wife before hand) We got along and vibed reallly well but we never consider a relationship beyond the friendship, first and foremost he was married secondly we were close friends...the vibe was not on that level...it was strictly friends...we are mental health counselors and the job calls that we are partners so thats where we developed the friendship...i knew about his marriage issues and he knew about my dating stuff...he was considering ending the marriage long before we were ever friends...about 5 months ago he decided to end his marriage....i was teh friend helping him find apartments, and encouragin him to really explore his feelings and being sure that he couldnt salvage his marriage....he ended up moving into the apartment complex i live in...and the day after he moved in our friendship changed...and emotional feelings got involved very quickly...it was crazy for me cuz this was my friend for so long and i was so scared to loose him as a friend...idealy i wished it happened like 6 months after he left his wife...well now its about two month later the relationship is pretty serious...tehre are strong feelings involved...and talk aboout hoping theres future potential...he said he is certain there is no rebound factor but i worry that he doesnt know that it may be that indeed...we slowed down a bit cuz he was like highly emotional alternating between the relationship being perfect and lasting forever to exaggerating negative things to mean the relationship is doomed...like one day i was his soul mate and the next day he would be upset about something small and saying things like we dont get a long at all...it was crazy...so now he is much more going with the flow and not pressed about it to being forever, and no longer dooming us over the little things that bother him...he is starting to express the pain and guilt he feels about ending his marriage...which is a relief bc i know he has a lot of healing to do...but as you can imagine i get many warnings and i worry....esp since this is the first relationship that has real future potential...im not sabotaging...and im allowing myself to be vulnerable(which is really really really difficult for me to do) and working on my defense mechanism which is scary as hell...but the situation contributes to my fears...I would appreciate some feedback...thanks! T

shh! · #2 (**permalink**) 30-08-05, 11:58 PM

Have you considered the fact that perhaps his close "friendship" with you contributed to his filing for divorce? Because I consider it very coincindental that he decided to move into YOUR apartment complex when he "finally" left his wife. Surely it crossed his mind that this might be questionable.

Sorry to sound harsh, but I think you ought to quit kidding yourself about the nature of this relationship. This man left his wife FOR YOU. Your fears seem justified. At least, that's the way it appears from the outside looking in.

Sorry.

misombra · #3 (**permalink**) 31-08-05, 12:06 AM

they were together for 8 years before they got married and they were married for 5? i don't know he probably left not only to be with you but just to be with somebody else. he's been with this person since he was 17.