Tricked By Single Mom - In Love With Kids - Help!!

[neoweaver]

I am having a very weird and ugly problem and I need some advice. I am 30 and she is 32.

Bottom Line....I was tricked by the woman I love about her ability to have children. And worse...she has 3 daughters.

I have been with her for about 1 year. She is the daughter of a very influential person in this area and I do business with him. Her mom introduced us during a business meeting actually. She is a divorcee and has 3 kids to two different guys. I became friends with her and the children and after about 8 months of dating we decided we wanted to get married. We decided to wait for another 6 months or so (for political reasons) but as far as were concerned, when we moved in together we were married. We even had a little ceremony with the kids at home by ourselves as a gesture. It was beautiful. I am new to children but I have done such a good job with them. The house is functional and happy. The relationship is functional and happy. For the first time in my life, I am functional and happy.

Two days ago I inadvertently found out FROM HER FATHER that she lied to me and could not have any more children. (He simply asked me my thoughts on that issue in a casual conversation and I was floored). Having kids and making our own family was one of the cornerstones of our new life together and she lied to me about having her tubes tied because she thought I might not be with her. As I became closer to her daughters the more I realized I wanted to have a child of my own. I was god a being a dad and never knew.

I love her, and I love the kids. But I feel betrayed, manipulated and lied too. I feel now I have to choose between not ripping apart this family because I want to have kids, (the mere suggestion that things are wrong have brought an onslaught of abandonment issues with the kids already), or Trying Forgiving her for carrying on this lie.

Among other aspects of this cover up, she told me she was getting depovera shots for birth control and even after I found out about the ability to have kids lie, she lied again about getting the shots and she was trying to cover that up.

It’s hard to see her hurt, and it’s hard to see the kids potentially hurt, but I don’t know how I can get over this issue productively and without scar. If I do forgive her I am worried that my resentment will grow and the long term issues will be overwhelming.

These are the only two lies I know of, but now I am questioning the whole relationship along with a tug of war going on between my feelings of betrayal and my feelings of love.

I won’t even go in to the business implications of not staying with her because of her dad.

I appreciate you reading this and I look forward to your advice.


NOW WHAT TO I DO!?!?!?!?!?!!?

[Fawn]

Well, she can always have the procedure reversed. Now it depends on whether she wants more children. If not, then I would suggest not being in the relationship. Having kids is something you want and you should have that joy of becoming a new father and going through the whole baby thing. If you know this is going to bother you and it obviously has effected you already, then maybe being in this relationship is not the best choice.

In the end we have to be selfish. You can't stay in a relationship because of her kids. Isn't your happiness important?

[NeoSeminole]

You can choose to be miserable for the rest of your life by staying with the b*tch or you can choose to be happy and have kids of your own with a woman who doesn't lie to you, manipulate you, and doesn't have kids. Your wife basically trapped you b/c she knows not too many guys would marry her. The fact that she already has kids by two different men should be a warning sign. I suggest you end the relationship now before you become attatched to the kids. You are not their legal parent. If anything goes wrong, you have no say in the court of law for custody or visitation priviledges.

[Tone]

Well on the bright side (if there is one) at least you know she really really liked you ;/

But yeah, I understand wanting to have a child that is biologically yours, and if she can't do that... then why waste more time? =/

[shh!]

The business implications are not hopeful should you split up over this. Obviously, you would probably not be able to maintain her father as a business contact, but that isn't the main problem.

I don't think you will be able to get over this without a scar, as you mentioned. I am wondering if there are any other surprises in store for you, and frankly I am indescribably disgusted that she would put her children in a position to be hurt should you decide to split over her deception. She does not sound like good-mother material, as she is very clearly more interested in catching herself a man than she is in protecting them from emotional scarring. The question you need to ask yourself is: is this the kind of mother you would really want for YOUR child?

If you decide to stay with her, she can have the surgery reversed (although that is not always successful) or, if you are not entirely disinterested in it, look into adoption. Of course, if she has already tied her tubes, my guess is that she is not interested in having any more.

Some women are truly horrendous. I am sorry for your dilemma.

[smilingeyes]

I am a single mom with my tubes tied(much regretted). As a person with a HEART, I know that anyone I date needs to know that I will probably not be having anymore children. This is NOT a little lie. This is a HUGE lie and I am repulsed with that women for bringing her children into this relationship with full knowledge of what might happen. It sounds as if she was going to get you "hooked" either by using herself of her kids, and then guilt you into staying once the truth came out. What else might she be hiding from you? If she had no trouble lying about this, she will have no trouble lying about anything else.