Friendship questions... - Love Forum

No Bodies Hero · #1 (**permalink**) 23-08-05, 08:26 AM

Okay here is the deal, I have a friend whom is a female and I am a male. We are both 21 and she is going out with a guy whom is 30 years old. But that is not the point. They have been going out for a while like 3 years. Well me and her have been friends for a long time. I met her shortly after she met her boyfriend. But me and her became real close best friends starting the start of 2005. She would call me all the time, she would get off work and hang out with me with out telling her boyfriend. Then her boyfriend started to get jealous of how close we are and he started to restrict our friendship.

But she keeps finding ways to come back into my life. Even with out the approval of her boyfriend. Who she claims she is going to be with for the rest of her life. But she is not happy with him and she told me that I make her feel better and respected. But my real question is, why would she keep trying to remain my friend even when she knows her boyfriend does not like me anymore because he is jealous. (Which yes I do understand why. He thinks I am trying to move in on his girl).

So all I want to know, is why does she want to be my best friend when she knows it upsets her boyfriend. Does she want more in the future? Is she just testing me? Or is she just trying to make my life hell? I am confused. I want to be her friend no matter what, but her boyfriend is trying his best to make her hate me and try to get me to run away like a dog with his tail between his legs. Which I am not going to do. Because my friend told me to just stick in there....

-JC

GrkScorp · #2 (**permalink**) 23-08-05, 08:52 AM

LMAO!!!

ok.. i hate to be the one to break it to you, but it sounds to me like your getting used... you and her are close friends, and yes, she is spending time with you, without her boyfriend knowing about it...

YOU.. feel like she wants something more, but THEN, you have a hunch she might not... guess what... stick with your instinct... it's more than likely that she's useing you to TEST her bf... and to try and make shur that he will be there for her if she wants to make a serious commitment...

i've been through something like this myself.. this girl i knew was going out with my best friend at the time.. but we were also close friends for about a year and a half... during the time her boyfriend had dumped her for some other chick... she turned to me... and.. one thing led to another.. be4 u know it.. guess who the new unofficial couple is.. everytime she would hear that her ex was having sex with an other girl.. i'd get a call so i could come over and even-out the score... long story short... her ex found out about us.. (accidentily) my @ss... and all three of us got into a fight.. he never talked to me again... and one day... i find out that they're going back out...

i'm not saying that this is gonna happen to you... but if you let her play around with you like that... then don't expect a different ending to your story... oh.. and p.s. lol... this guy isn't your best friend... so i think he might do something a LITTLE BIT worst than just never talk to you again... lol... just a little heads up...

XPixiedustX · #3 (**permalink**) 23-08-05, 10:19 AM

Personally it seem to me that she love the attention...both from you and her bf...and i agree w/ the last post she IS using u...i mean she's probably made her boyfriend insecure by having a close friendship with you...so he's gonna try harder to make her happy...and she can have him wrapped around her finger...and then on the other hand she has you...who is her convenient back up. One more thing...if you really do make her feel better why the hell does she wanna be w/ her bf for the rest of her life? If you stick around for this chick you'll just be wasting your time...and most probably end up hurt...

justonekiss · #4 (**permalink**) 23-08-05, 10:52 AM

Around the time I started dating my guy, my best friend{who is a guy} and I sorta split ways. We had too close of a friendship for comfort, we had basically been dating for months, and had slowly started to realize the toll that had on our friendship.

He's always been an extremely close friend of mine, and we've sort of rekindled our friendship in the past couple months. He's the one that I call when I'm having problems with my boy, and he's the first one I run to to comfort me. My guy doesn't like this, due to things he had to see us do before we even got together{but happened nonetheless}. I know he doesn't like this, but at the same time we both know that nothing's going to happen with me and my friend.

It's more of a comfort thing than anything. At one point in time I thought I was in love with this guy, and now he's the one I turn to because I want to hear him say how great me and my boy are together, etc.

Lol, I'm sure throught my stories you got my point somehow

No Bodies Hero · #5 (**permalink**) 23-08-05, 10:55 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by justonekiss

Around the time I started dating my guy, my best friend{who is a guy} and I sorta split ways. We had too close of a friendship for comfort, we had basically been dating for months, and had slowly started to realize the toll that had on our friendship.

He's always been an extremely close friend of mine, and we've sort of rekindled our friendship in the past couple months. He's the one that I call when I'm having problems with my boy, and he's the first one I run to to comfort me. My guy doesn't like this, due to things he had to see us do before we even got together{but happened nonetheless}. I know he doesn't like this, but at the same time we both know that nothing's going to happen with me and my friend.

It's more of a comfort thing than anything. At one point in time I thought I was in love with this guy, and now he's the one I turn to because I want to hear him say how great me and my boy are together, etc.

Lol, I'm sure throught my stories you got my point somehow

I understand, Even though you couldn't make your relationship with him go the way that you wanted. You are happy just to have him in your life as a friend? Because I know that I will probably never get to show her how she truely should be treated, but as long as I do my part as a friend I will be happy.

XPixiedustX · #6 (**permalink**) 23-08-05, 11:04 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by No Bodies Hero

II know that I will probably never get to show her how she truely should be treated, but as long as I do my part as a friend I will be happy.

Honestly if you thught of her just as a friend this kind of setup woudl be ok...but the fact that you actually like her...makes it really unfair for you. Why would you want to be the guy she comes to everytime she fights with her boyfriend? She's willing to share everything with you and even tells you ur bette rthan her bf...why won't she just go out w/ u then?

justonekiss · #7 (**permalink**) 23-08-05, 11:05 AM

Yep. I don't keep him around to make my boyfriend, or whatever you want to call it these days, jealous. Girls don't always use their guy friends to do that!

GrkScorp · #8 (**permalink**) 23-08-05, 11:08 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by XPixiedustX

Honestly if you thught of her just as a friend this kind of setup woudl be ok...but the fact that you actually like her...makes it really unfair for you. Why would you want to be the guy she comes to everytime she fights with her boyfriend? She's willing to share everything with you and even tells you ur bette rthan her bf...why won't she just go out w/ u then?

great point... !!! .. look.. it's not about asking her out.. but if you're getting ideas to.. think again.. if she really wanted to.. she wouldn't be talking to u about her bf... and... ur too much of her puppet now already... why would she wanna date u.. when she already has u doing everything for her??? think about it.. she could have 2 boyfriends for the price of one...

No Bodies Hero · #9 (**permalink**) 23-08-05, 11:16 AM

It is not exactly like that, but I can some what see where your coming from.

GrkScorp · #10 (**permalink**) 23-08-05, 11:34 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by No Bodies Hero

It is not exactly like that, but I can some what see where your coming from.

well.. just don't get any ideas.. caz there's no way anything is ever going to happen b/w the 2 of u.. no matter how much she makes u feel like there might... and don't take major leaps of loyalty either... just remember.. u still wanna be a friend.. not some desperate toy..

No Bodies Hero · #11 (**permalink**) 23-08-05, 11:36 AM

Yeah, but to ever action there is a equal or less reaction

Sir Newt has explained that for us.

Hyde · #12 (**permalink**) 23-08-05, 04:33 PM

This is relationships though not science. Just, be careful ok. If you ever notice your self doing rediculous things for her, then, just, go.

Tone · #13 (**permalink**) 24-08-05, 12:21 AM

Yeah I been in your situation, and whether her intentions are to or not, she knows in the back of her mind that if she keeps you around that if her and her b/f don't work out, she has you - the backup plan.

People are dead on when they say that and think about it... if she meant all those things she said - she would dump her boyfriend who makes her unhappy to be with you, no?

It's hard to decide what to do in these situations, it really is... I can't sit here and tell you to stop having feelings for her, but at the same time you probably don't want to lose a friend. Does she know how you feel about her? Maybe she's unsure of your feelings and doesn't want to end up losing her b/f on just a hunch?

Personally, depending on how you feel, if you don't think you can just be only friends, and have strong feelings for her, I'd do this:

Tell her that you do have feelings for her and don't think you guys should see each other anymore because you can't handle being just friends... and say that to hear of how unhappy she is and how bad her b/f treats her is getting to be unbearable because you would give anything just to have the opportunity he takes for granted every single day.

You have to do what's best for yourself man, and waiting around for her isn't it.

No Bodies Hero · #14 (**permalink**) 24-08-05, 04:43 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tone

Yeah I been in your situation, and whether her intentions are to or not, she knows in the back of her mind that if she keeps you around that if her and her b/f don't work out, she has you - the backup plan.

People are dead on when they say that and think about it... if she meant all those things she said - she would dump her boyfriend who makes her unhappy to be with you, no?

It's hard to decide what to do in these situations, it really is... I can't sit here and tell you to stop having feelings for her, but at the same time you probably don't want to lose a friend. Does she know how you feel about her? Maybe she's unsure of your feelings and doesn't want to end up losing her b/f on just a hunch?

Personally, depending on how you feel, if you don't think you can just be only friends, and have strong feelings for her, I'd do this:

Tell her that you do have feelings for her and don't think you guys should see each other anymore because you can't handle being just friends... and say that to hear of how unhappy she is and how bad her b/f treats her is getting to be unbearable because you would give anything just to have the opportunity he takes for granted every single day.

You have to do what's best for yourself man, and waiting around for her isn't it.

Good advice, I have told her a few times how I feel about her. But yet she keeps me around instead of running away so that is a sign of some significance. But she doesn't want the past 3 years or so to be a waste or for nothing. That is why she is dead set on being with him until she can not really bear it any more. Which is sad because she knows and has told me that I would treat her way better than her boyfriend would or could ever do so.

A plus her mom and dad both love me and they both dispise the current boyfriend haha.

But yeah thats all I have right now. I am just trying to be her friend for now, and if the time ever comes that we can go farther I will be there. If not I am okay with just being the friend. But not the third wheel

Tone · #15 (**permalink**) 24-08-05, 04:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by No Bodies Hero

But she doesn't want the past 3 years or so to be a waste or for nothing. That is why she is dead set on being with him until she can not really bear it any more. Which is sad because she knows and has told me that I would treat her way better than her boyfriend would or could ever do so.

See to me that is such crap, and I've heard similair excuses from girls before too.

The past is the past - you can't change it. If she's unhappy she shouldn't be with him, period. ESPECIALLY if she has someone like you who she's fond of and knows would treat her better... I honestly don't think she realizes what she could potentially be missing out on.

I mean - what's worse - ending a relationship and, in turn, "wasting" the last 3 years (I don't think any of life's failures are a waste at all - we need things like that to learn from and gain experience from) together or wasting the next 3 years of your life with someone who doesn't make you happy?