Need advice from understanding folks

[brkn dreamz]

I'm new here and hadn't turned to the internet for advice before but this situation that I'm in is really bothering me.

My relationship of 4 1/2 years with my bf, who is 4 years younger than me, have gone through some really rough times. I'm not going to into much details but it all started back in jan '04 when I called it quits because of a job I took and felt that I was going to be way too busy to give him the love and affection he needed. I told him (let's call him Jon) we can still be friends and made it clear to him about it everytime we talked. During that time I met someone through co-workers of mines and at first we didn't like each other but then something sparked and I had an interest in him until I found out who he really was. All I could think of was Jon and how my heart belonged to him since he was always on my mind. We went back out and that was that. Jon eventually found out about this other guy from snooping around the internet on my sisters personal site and she assumed that other person was my bf which he wasn't. Jon and I found about it and I kept telling him I never went out with that person nor was it the reason I wanted a break. That was that.

Now, a year after (Feb '05) he ended doing the same thing accept he told people we weren't together when he told me we were. I confronted this girl who had no idea he had a gf of 4 years still and she was pissed and I don't blame her but my problem was with Jon not her I just wanted to juicey details that Jon wouldn't tell me. After finding this out (about 2 weeks ago) I figured i deserved to get cheated on like this. I don't know what to think or how to feel.

Everything feels different. Though recently he's been spending a lot of time with me my heart doesn't feel settled like his revenge isn't over yet. For over a year he's had that hate inside of him. How do I know he's going to love me like before? I can't stop thinking of him and that other girl together. Even though he says he just used her for revenge and he didn't like her, it just doesn't seem to fit of the actions he took. I've never been through something like this which is why I'm asking advice on how to handle and possibily deal with it.

[gHEXjt]

He slept with another girl after you were back together because you had broken up with him for revenge. That's bullshit! As crappy as it sounds for you to be without him, I say dump him. Sorry to be blunt, but that's what I think. Once a cheater, always a cheater.

[brkn dreamz]

He didn't sleep with her at all she told me herself. She said the only thing they did was kiss but she initiated it and her friend told me that he was a bad kisser. But for all these years that he's kissed me he never was a bad kisser at all. It all started off with Jon wanted to just hang out with his cousin and his cousin's gf always had her best friend tag along and he was the dummy to tell the cousin that we were broken up. We always break up on and off for only a few hours to the most a day and the day they asked him was the day we broke up for just a day. Now, I know it sounds childish but when you get mad at someone that's what we do but then we calm down. He didn't know another way out because that's just how he is. So he said a lie to them throughout the whole 3 months he was hanging out with them.
I got ahold of his cell bill from online and it shows the month he was talking to her on the phone. What the girls told me was yeah they were on the phone but he hardly said anything but they were on the phone for 2 hours at max. His cousin's gf (now my friend) told me, "Now that I look back at it. I don't think that he had an interest for her. Plus, we kind of forced him to get her number." But it still happened. Yes, it hurts for me because I would of never thought he would stoop that low as to make a girl like him to just break his heart. He told me when I broke his heart over a year ago with that situation it was like 10 mililion girls breaking his heart. I can imagine that's how he felt through the actions of him trying to get me back then. It's no excuse to do it to another innocent girl.
I'm worried that he's not telling me everything. All I ask is for him to tell me if at any point that he liked her and to just admit it. It doesn't matter if he did because atleast he had some sort of feelings for her but on the other hand I am his gf. It's hard to trust after this but I'm am so worried he will do this to me again. We are even at this point and I won't do anything to hurt hi m. We are working things out and starting off a new relationship. Should I stay in it and try my best not to let the past get to me and start trusting him slowly or should I just break it off since everyday it get's to me and me questioning him is irritating him?

[gHEXjt]

Either question him, or break up with him. Even if it pisses him off, it still may give you peace of mind, which you need. However, notice that I said it may give you peace of mind. Knowing what they did or how he felt about it may just make you feel even worse about this.

[brkn dreamz]

I'm the kind of girl that rather hear and believe in the truth rather than a lie even it maybe all sugar coated. The truth will hurt but atleast it's not a lie and being happy about it. Since I'm blunt with everyone, I want them to be blunt with me as well. If you're caught, just tell the truth cause if you lie more you're only going to make things worse.

[Mishanya]

Hi brkn dreamz

Welcome to LF!!!

Hmmm. It's a pickle isn't it.

First of all what you did in 04 was wrong.

"I'm not going to into much details but it all started back in jan '04 when I called it quits because of a job I took and felt that I was going to be way too busy to give him the love and affection he needed." by brkn dreamz

It sounds like you used him as a commodity for a number of years and dumped him because your life style had no more room for him. This is a serious betrayl of trust issue and I am not quite sure if this damage is repairable. If you really loved him like you mentioned in your post i don't think you would have taken an action like this. Are you sure you love him??? (Because there are many other feelings which are very similar to that) Moving right along...

In your post you are not detailing how you and Jon got back together after the break up which you initiated. Who initiated the reunification? How long ago did you get back together? Were both parties happy at the reunification or was one party feeling like "still hurt, but settling"? How old are you and him?

"We always break up on and off " by brkn dreamz

I think this also is an issue, which exposes deep holes in your relationship. Even in the heat of a moment it is not normal to shower the other person with ultimatums and abrupt ends.

"I got ahold of his cell bill from online and it shows the month he was talking to her on the phone." and "we trust each other to tell the truth." by brkn dreamz

From what you describe, there is NO trust in your relationship at all. I trust a crow with my sandwich, more than you trust this man in your relationship. I guess, it all depends on how much tape you have to patch these many holes. However i will abstained from making any conclusions before i see responses to my questions...

[brkn dreamz]

Mishanya:

When we first got together in '01 I had a job and it was working as an overnight cashier which meant it was from 11:30pm-8:45am. During that time he didn't understand how important having a job was since there were a lot of bills for me. As stupid as it sounds I quit that job because he would complain and tell me not to go to work. Even after another job I had for a breif while he would come into my working place and cause trouble and made me look bad. When I wanted to break up with him because of that job I had 2 jobs going for me. During the day I would go into work with my mom as a contracted database programmer and at night I was going into workshops for cellphone industries. I had a lot going for me and I just didn't want to deal with him having me choose between my job and him like before. I only wanted a one month time apart to get settled into the job. Yes, I do love him but I didn't want him to take my job away from me which was my only source of income.

The unification was both him and I. He was still hurt and I was hurt too since he was hurting. I know I was happy to be with him again and did everything I could to show him but I knew he was anger and still hurt inside. I'm in my mid-20's and he's 4 yrs younger than I am.

He and I were on an off because of the anger he had inside and was unsure if I was going to leave him for someone else. His exact words during that time was, "You're just going to be with me until you find someone else that can treat you better." which is not true. I don't believe in if it get's too hard find someone else. I like working things out and have a resolution.

Girls have intuition and a gut feeling. While I found out bits and pieces of this situation I knew he wasn't telling me the truth and at this time I had no trust because he likes to "minimize" in his words. He left his password to his account where he know I would see it, so I went and looked. He said that I always find things out either way and there was no need for him to tell me everything. Since he found out on his own he wanted me to find out on my own. Trust is easy to break, but hard to gain. We are both working on it. The 2 previous years before the first incident is what lead to it but it's personal and it's in the past and he knows what he did wrong and it's no one's business.

Why did you quote me saying "we trust each other to tell the truth." by brkn dreamz- I looked all over my own post and I couldn't find where I said that.

[brkn dreamz]

....bump...

[Mishanya]

brkn dreamz:

Okay, the picture is now a little bit clearer. You did not indicate that he made you choose between himself and your job in your earlier post (I was under impression it was an accomodation choice made by you). This does paint him more in a negative light (As controlling and needy). It looks like his behaviour is very repetitive.

Why does he have anger and hurt inside? Is it due to you breaking up with him in 04 or due to some other issues?

"Why did you quote me saying "we trust each other to tell the truth." by brkn dreamz-"

I did copy and paste this from somewhere, but now that you mentioned it, i can't seem find it either. If i misrepresnted you in any way, then i'm very sorry. The reference i was trying to make was to the trust issue. If you don't have any trust in him (To the point where you have to lookup his phone bills or spy on him to make sure he's living up to his words) that's a serious problem. I mean, how are you planning to live with this person if you constanly have to worry and look over his shoulder?

"The 2 previous years before the first incident is what lead to it but it's personal and it's in the past and he knows what he did wrong and it's no one's business. " By brkn dreamz

I am not quite sure what you are reffering to here. I think none of this is my bussiness, I am only trying to help.

Breaking up on and off is very unhealthy in a relationship (Does not matter who initiates it). One break up is enough to cause serious damage, you really don't need many. I can understand your feelings here:

"I don't believe in if it get's too hard find someone else. I like working things out and have a resolution."

But maybe the resolution in this case is letting him go??? (Or do you think you have enough patching tape and heartache in you to carry this on?)

[brkn dreamz]

Why does he have anger and hurt inside? Is it due to you breaking up with him in 04 or due to some other issues?

When I broke up with him in '04 it was intentionally because of the jobs I had. In the midst of this some co-workers of mine and my cousin introduced me to someone who I didn't have an interest in until a few weeks later for only 2 days and I found out about the type of person he was which I didn't like. I felt bad for him and we had this valentine dinner which was supposed to be for my sister, her bf, my mom, my dad (they're divorced), my half-brother, and me. Since my mom at the last minute didn't like the idea that I invited my dad I had to tell my dad we canceled it (which I didn't) so that my mom would go and my uncle (her brother) would take his place instead. My mom thought my dad was still going so she declined to go. In place of my mom was my other cousin. So now it was just my sister, her bf, my cousin, and me. My bf was trying to get me to go out with him for valentines cause he said he made "plans" for us but when he used to say plans it meant to just go out somewhere, talk, then fight and having this valentines dinner with family was more important then to spend it fighting with someone. Just before we left I get a call from that guy that I "was" interested in (at this time I wasn't interested and he was just a friend). He didn't have family here and didn't have friends to hang out with that night so I was like okay whatever and invited him. Now that I think of it I should of just invited Jon instead but can't change the past. Anyways, we all went and just because it was valentine's day I guess my sister assumed this was my "new boyfriend". She wrote about the evening on a web-blog and Jon found it a few days later and he was pissed off about it. What happened that night was I guess this guy still liked me and at one point in the evening he kissed me. No tongue. Just "fish-lips" kind of kiss. I know when he kissed me the first thing that popped in my mind was Jon (Jon doesn't know this to this day and telling him wouldn't make a difference cause he'll think whatever he wants). Because Jon snooped around and found out through my sisters site (which he kept a close eye out to see what I was up to) he got upset and thought I had a new bf and that the reason I broke up with him was to be with this other guy. When we got back together shortly after he's had that thought burnt in his mind and heart. He said it felt like a million girls broke his heart just by one girl.


When I had access to his cell bill it was the time when everything was coming into one big puzzle of what happened. The incident happened 4 months ago when I finally had to find out the real truth of what happened. Both his cousin them and I are upset with him for lying to us and they said they didn't know but they are glad that I had found out inorder for them to find out. They were under the impression all that time he really didn't and they too were wondering how come he didn't answer his phone or he'd act weird around them. I don't look at his cell bill no more because like I said after all that was laid out on the table we are working on a new relationship and I'm trying to put it behind me and trust. The thought of another girls lips on his and him talking long hours on the phone with another girl eats at my heart ... but I'm sure that it was doing the same to him as well. I'm know I'm not going to do anything like that to him and I haven't since that last incident. been over a year and it's going to stay that way.

AS for the resolution part: We are trying at this one more time. If it doesn't work out then we both have to just be strong enough to walk away. I'm his first everything and he's my first everything except being my first bf. I'm scared of it happening again. The saying "once a cheater, always a cheater" is right. But is what I did back then concidered cheating? He said what I did is cheating because in his mind we were together. I know what he did was cheating because we never did break up during that time and if we did he never made it clear the way I did. confusing!

[Frasbee]

Understanding folks?

::steps back::

[brkn dreamz]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Frasbee

Understanding folks?

::steps back::

What I meant by that was sometimes there's some people on the board that just say retarded things that doesn't help. Not be like "whatevers". Hard to explain.

[Frasbee]

Quote:

Originally Posted by brkn dreamz

What I meant by that was sometimes there's some people on the board that just say retarded things that doesn't help. Not be like "whatevers". Hard to explain.

Uh-huh...

Which is exactly why I stepped back.

But if you want, I can put in my Choi-sense.

[brkn dreamz]

go for it.

[Frasbee]

Forget 'em and move on.

It's the fail proof loveforum method with dealing with most any situation.