married yet alone - Love Forum

Reverie · #1 (**permalink**) 10-09-05, 03:37 AM

I have been with my husband for 7 years, married for 2 of those. We used to do everything together, and enjoy one another's company, but the last year and a half or so there have been problems. He has taken a job with terrible hours, it was supposed to be temporary, but he was promoted (still with bad hours) and refuses to give it up. at the most we see each other for 2 hours a day, he has sundays off. at first i found myself lonely and missing him all the time, looking forward to his arrival home, but as time went on i found there was a space between us. I started developing a new routine and life that didn't include him, i no longer minded being alone, i found several hobbies that i dove into. i find now i don't enjoy kissing him, making love feels like a chore, i don't really find him attractive anymore either. when we are together i feel akward and like conversation is forced. that is problem #1, on to #2...about 1 year ago (6 months into problem #1) in a chat room for one of my hobbies i met someone, and we were only freindly for a very long time, but in the last 2 months i've been developing strong feelings for him, i spend 4/5 hours a day talking with him, i don't know if he feels the same about me. I am far more attracted to him than my husband, and we get along great.
I don't know what i am doing anymore, my husband does always seem happy to see me, and is always very needy(wants uber attention) while he is home. i have told him my frustrasions with the situation, and tried to help him find another job, but he won't, he just wants to 'make the best of the time we have', but i know that is not good enough for me. i also wonder if the feelings i had would come back even if he did, and if those feelings come back will the new ones i have fade? i wonder if i should tell person #2 about my feelings, i am insecure, and fear rejection, but also what if he did return my feelings, what then? i still care for my husband and don't want to bring him pain. i feel like i am being pulled apart. I mostly needed to vent that, but advise would be welcomed.

TAVS · #2 (**permalink**) 10-09-05, 03:41 AM

Okay, so far it doesn't sound like you're the POS others might end up being in a situation like this so that's good.

Here's what I think. Tell your husbandm "Listen, I've voiced my concerns before but you have not listened. Seriously, if things don't improve, I think we're going to end up divorced. To be honest, I don't really think I would mind. If you want however, we can talk about this and try to work through it. Honestly, thing's aren't good, but if you want to try and improve things, we can, but I'm not promising anything."

Basically, I'd never throw away a long term relationship without both sides knowing the complete story and having an opportunity, if they wish, to make things better.

Tone · #3 (**permalink**) 10-09-05, 03:48 AM

Yeah, what TAVS said.

Just be sure you're 100% honest with him about your feelings on your relationship and that the job he has is really tearing your marriage apart. He's your husband, if something is bothering you he should do everything in his power to fix it.

TAVS · #4 (**permalink**) 10-09-05, 03:53 AM

I've just heard to many stories, including my own, of someone thinking everything is going along fine, then ending up heartbroken without even having a chance to make things better. It's different with new relationships. but after years together, and especially with marriage, it's only fair.

shh! · #5 (**permalink**) 10-09-05, 06:24 AM

The guy on the internet is not a "real" person until you have met him face to face. Don't delude yourself into thinking there is more there than there actually is. Why would you consider trading in the headache you know for the headache you don't know?

You've been with your husband for 7 years, and I'm sure you've heard of the 7 year itch. That's what you have. Take two asprin and stay off the computer for awhile, and I'm sure your marital life will improve.

Lloyd95 · #6 (**permalink**) 10-09-05, 09:47 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by shh!

The guy on the internet is not a "real" person until you have met him face to face. Don't delude yourself into thinking there is more there than there actually is.

Ah, what about us Shh!? Aren't we real? I thought we had something going on....

Reverie, have you seen this person #2? What if he's ugly?
Or this guy:

shh! · #7 (**permalink**) 10-09-05, 09:51 AM

AAAGGHH!! MY EYES!! Damn you Lloyd, you should've warned me...
:-D

Lloyd95 · #8 (**permalink**) 10-09-05, 10:13 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by shh!

AAAGGHH!! MY EYES!! Damn you Lloyd, you should've warned me...
:-D

Yeah, I hope Cybog doesn't get mad that I posted his picture without his permission.

Lloyd95 · #9 (**permalink**) 10-09-05, 10:15 AM

Shh! what does this mean ":-D" that's always in your posts??

shh! · #10 (**permalink**) 10-09-05, 10:19 AM

That is a sideways laughing face. Don't you see
the eyes :
the nose -
the mouth? D

Lloyd95 · #11 (**permalink**) 10-09-05, 10:20 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by shh!

That is a sideways laughing face. Don't you see
the eyes :
the nose -
the mouth? D

Why don't you just use the Smiley thingy's that the people here at LF.c have so generously provided?

shh! · #12 (**permalink**) 10-09-05, 10:22 AM

Becasue you have to hit "reply" to a particular post in order to access them instead of just doing the quick reply...

Lloyd95 · #13 (**permalink**) 10-09-05, 10:23 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by shh!

Becasue you have to hit "reply" to a particular post in order to access them instead of just doing the quick reply...

Lazy @ss....

shh! · #14 (**permalink**) 10-09-05, 10:25 AM

Pornographic homophobe.

Ellynn · #15 (**permalink**) 10-09-05, 02:12 PM

Just because this other guy seems perfect online....doesn't mean that things will go well when you meet. You know the saying "The grass is always greener on the other side?" Well honestly I think your just relying on something else to make you feel less lonely and think that being with this guy(that you have never met) will change everything for the better....
But you must keep in mind this....
There must have been something about your husband you loved at one time.... Couples go thru this....they fall in and out of love.....but its up to the both of you to communicate your feelings and to let each other know whats up.....and then together you can work on things so that you can get that flame going again.....
Seriously talk to him. Tell him that your not happy with his crazy work hours and not seeing each other etc. Tell him that you cannot go on like this anymore....and that you are seriously considering a divorce. Tell him about how you feel there is such a distance between you and that if things don't change....your gonna have to do something about it.

If he loves you he will take this to heart and realize that things aren't going well with the two of you and hopefully reconsider his job...and what its gonna cost him in the long run(his wife).