bad habits - Love Forum

aloha22 · #1 (**permalink**) 10-09-05, 09:59 AM

So this week my boyfriend came to visit and I noticed that he smelled like smoke. I asked him if he had been smoking, and he said yes. Later I found a (nearly empty) pack of cigarettes in his room.

He used to smoke a fair amount, but hasn't done it much recently. I find it kinda discusting, quite honestly. He'll go out and smoke with his buds once in a while but always showers to get the smell off before he sees me. I think the thing that bothers me the most, however, is that when I asked him if he had been smoking on a continual basis, he wouldn't talk to me. Not only that, but he would hardly look at me.

I don't know whether to try to approach the subject with him again or not. I can tell he has been kinda stressed lately, and I don't want to make matters worse (thus encouraging him to smoke more) by getting in a fight.

Has anyone else dealt with an issue like this before-having a SO with a habit you can't stand? Do I just let it be?

shh! · #2 (**permalink**) 10-09-05, 10:05 AM

All significant others have habits you can't stand. Trust me. You know he smokes, so now you will have to decide whether or not you can live with it. If you choose to keep him, you will have to stop nagging him about it; you are not his mom, and if you treat him like he is a bad child, he will not be as eager to relate to you as a woman, if you know what I mean...

Lloyd95 · #3 (**permalink**) 10-09-05, 10:34 AM

I don't have any bad habits. I'm perfect. Oh....you were talking about SO's.

Ellynn · #4 (**permalink**) 10-09-05, 02:05 PM

I think, as a smoker, the biggest thing that pisses me off is when people try to give me an ultimatum.....to quit or else! I think if you just tell him...that even though you don't like the habit...that you realize he is going thru alot. Also encourage him to quit IN A NICE WAY...but don't get all angry about it. When hes ready to quit he will do it. If you honestly can't deal with it....then maybe hes not the one for you?

You could also ask him not to do it around you....or to at least try and cover it up before seeing you.

brkn dreamz · #5 (**permalink**) 10-09-05, 05:11 PM

I agree with ellynn. I used to smoke a lot when something is bothering me or when I'm really stressed out. For your situation, yes you should bring it up to him but try to find away to make it not so confronting. I'm sure he knows that it bothers you but you need to also tell him how much it hurts you to see him polluting himself that way. What worked with me was when someone said, "I love you. Watching you smoke is like watching you slowly killing yourself. Take the time to slow down on how much you smoke. I'm not asking you to quit instantly. jUst try to cut down." I thought about that really hard and this came from my mom a few weeks ago. With the help of her talking to my bf and asking him to help me as well ... it broke my heart to see that I was hurting them with my own bad habits and I stopped. See if that works for you. It's going to be a little harder for him only because his buds are smoking as well, huh?

Mishanya · #6 (**permalink**) 10-09-05, 05:19 PM

Hi aloha22

I have a solution for you... Slow, but continuous and persistent pestering

Noone has ever been able to ressist the shear power of continuous nagging. I got one of my exs to quit smoking this way early on into the relationship (Very proud of that). She realised that the joy of having a quick one was not rewarding enough to put up with my annoyance hehehe

There is no need to get into a fight, just pester him from time to time. This will turn into a psychological an subconscious factor next time he reaches for that smoke...

Hope above helps!!!

Diablo · #7 (**permalink**) 10-09-05, 05:58 PM

People only quit smoking when they want to. If you try the nagging approach, you'll become an ex whether you want to or not. He knows you don't like it. Encourage him if he decides to quit; otherwise either accept his smoking or end it. Showers and mouthwash can minimize the incovinience for you, but you may have to decide if you can accept him as a smoker. Cigarettes are harder to quit than heroine.

Mishanya · #8 (**permalink**) 10-09-05, 06:17 PM

Just to reassure you. If you try the nagging appoach and he cares for you, you will NOT become his ex, but rather you will find him smoking less often. I think it is very healthy in a relationship to voice your concern if something is bothering you (Noone should settle for something they find repulsive, it can lead to further disenchantment in the relationship).

If you become an ex for voicing your concern about his bad habbit, then you would become his ex for voicing your concern for just about anything

KeepMeAsALie · #9 (**permalink**) 11-09-05, 08:35 PM

My boyfriend does things I don't like.. but I can't think of a habit he has that drives me to the end. I agree with you tho, if my boyfriend did smoke then I would be soo upset! I would totally talk to him about how I feel.. and if he cared about me, he should at least listen. Compromise with me about it. I disagree with "shh!" in what they said. No.. you aren't his Mom, but you ARE his girlfriend. To me, that's just as important.. if not more.

If my boyfriend totally ignored how I felt about this, I don't think I would break up.. but I would seriously have a talk. Expressing how I feel and let him say how he feels. Fights will always happen in a relationship.. I don't see why you should avoid them.. they will happen no matter what. Just becuz he's stressed out, doesn't mean you should forget about this. If it makes you unhappy [understandable] you have a right to talk about it. He should listen to you as well. Best of luck to you.

lilwing89 · #10 (**permalink**) 11-09-05, 08:52 PM

no, i havent dealt with this

but **** thats gross