life is cold

[gartlas]

the scorn in her voice like fresh winter snow
burning cold against my heart,a vulnerable icicle
while she laughs at my pain,and foolish longing
my rage is red like her lips,against her pale skin
I adore,yet despise her,if she did not laugh
would I hate her ,or love her less?
ice falls in my mind,like the winter of despair
cold against the pointless warmth of life
as the comfort of friendship becomes meaningless,
and they fall away from me,one by one
the most loyal friends stripped from me
I cast a shadow of gloom wherever I go,
will I search again for the curse of love
seek comfort with one who will love me
and let the light fill my heart again,
perhaps I should let warmth of summer
quell the winter of my mind
will life ever be warm again?
or will I forever brood in the cold winter of thought
,through a howling black blizzard of hopeless dreams.

[IndiReloaded]

It was good until you mentioned the death shit.

I'd like to see a poem like this that, towards the end starts mentioning things like:

"Maybe I will turn my face toward a different sun... capture the warmth of the star that will bathe me in her gentle rays & help me grow into the man I've always known I could be."

or something like that.

[gartlas]

hmm ur right,couldnt think of a good ending.I'll change it.

[gartlas]

dang,I was hoping miss sleepy would read this,wanted to know what the college grad in poetry or whatever thought.
u there miss sleepy?

[Gigabitch]

Send her a PM if you want her to critique your work and invite her to do it.

[miSSleepy]

haha
I'm here I'm here!
I'm NOT actually on here EVERY day

where do you want the critique, gartlas, here or in PM?

[gartlas]

I dont mind,here will be better because other people can add to it.

[miSSleepy]

Quote:

Originally Posted by gartlas

My heart is cold,like the scorn in her voice

the fact that you're comparing your heart to her voice is good because it shows emotion connected to action. I think you should make the sentence seem more connected, however. You say my 'my heart is cold' (which is telling, not showing btw) but then you distance that with "like the etc etc"

try something like
the scorn in her voice freezes my heart
my heart is like the cold scorn in her voice
(not necessarily those 2, but the sentence structure of them.

Quote:

while she laughs at my pain,and foolish longing
red is my rage,like her full lips against her white skin

again, something like "my rage is the colour of her lips, red against white skin"? just to make it flow better.

Quote:

I despise her,yet love her,what if she did not laugh
would I hate her less,or would I love her less?

word economy, and punctuation.
if you say it in least amount of words as possible without losing meaning, your poem will be more effective.
so try: I despise, yet love her (then there should be either a period or a semi colon, and you don't need the "what if"). If she did not laugh/ would I hate, or love, her less?

Try to do similar things with the rest of the poem, then repost it so I can ahve another look if you want.

Quote:

ice falls in my mind,like the winter of despair
cold against the pointless warmth of life
as the comfort of friendship becomes meaningless,
and they fall away from me,one by one
the loyalest *most loyal friends stripped from me now
I cast a shadow of unhappiness (unhappiness is a very weak word. Have a look at some synonyms and choose something more potent, but not corny) wherever I go,
perhaps I should seek anew * sounds to archaic. Archaic is fine, but the language in the rest of your poem doesn't match it the curse of love
seek comfort in the arms of one who will love me
and let the light fill my heart again,
perhaps I should let warmth quell the winter of my mind
will life ever be warm again?
or will I forever brood in the cold winter of thought
as I dream of what will never be.

* suggestions
** underlined: words you should get rid of.

You have some imagery, like winter and lips etc. You should end the poem with vivid imagery too, because it will be more memorable and effective. ALWAYS aim to end with imagery.

[gartlas]

This any better?

[IndiReloaded]

A lot better. I enjoyed reading that.

[miSSleepy]

The start reads a lot better. Smoother and easier to read. And the end line is good; it's punchy and has good rhythm to it. Some of your middle is still unchanged though, and you could fix it like you did the beginning. If you want. As it is, you've made good changes.

[cuddlemonster]

the poem is fine as it is. create a new poem rather than "fixing". unless this is some type of meaningless poem for school or something.