This might be my favorite thing about you- you carry your own burdens. You're a stand-up guy, M.

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I think all women really want is to be proven wrong about men.

Apart from the fact that he's a cheater who doesn't come clean. Um, ya.

Heh. God bless some people.

Yes, I'm a cheater. I'm not proud of it at all...it's one of the low moments of my life. So sure, judge the action all you want. I put it out there.

"Coming clean" serves ZERO purpose. Best case, she gets pissed and severely hurt. Worst case, since I'm still the only stable relationship she's had, she learns to trust guys even less, and this severely ****s with her mind for the rest of her life.

Yeah, I see how this could be a great idea.

I know you have good intentions, Indi. I'm sure you've always been told to admit when you're wrong, and "man up" in situations. However, by keeping this burden inside, I am being a man. It's the least I can do for her. Unburdening myself and telling her is by far the most SELFISH action I could take at this point.

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Depends on your motives. If you're never planning on having a further relationship w/this lady, and assuming you aren't carrying somekind of disease from your cheating experience, then I agree with you that at this point it only serves to cause her pain.

However, if you ever want to get back w/this lady, then I would argue that you will need to give full disclosure. Most women would be more angry at the trust issue than the actual cheating events. But to not tell her would take away her right to make a decision about whether she would want to be with someone who would do such a thing.

There is lying outright & lying by omission. Don't delude yourself into thinking one is more noble than the other.

I'll stop you there. No thanks. Our lives have taken completely different paths, and I wouldn't give her a second look right now.

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He's a stand-up guy NOW. It was a long and winding road.

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I think all women really want is to be proven wrong about men.

That's an interesting way to phrase things. Are you still in contact with this girl, then? Friends, perhaps? Even friendship has an assumed level of trust.

I wonder how you would feel if you found out that you caught something from Blondie that you passed on to your ex, who passed it on to *her* SO. I hope you care enough to rule out that possibility.

You say you aren't disclosing to protect her. But she's an adult able to make her own decisions about things, surely? And, despite how you say 'you don't want her to feel bad about men who cheat, break trust, etc.', you *are* giving her a skewed reality about what actually happened. Which, IMO, is worse than the truth. The reality is you *did* cheat. And you are preventing her from making her own decision about what happened. Who are you to make that decision for her, hmmm? Personally, I think you're just trying to protect *your* image of yourself where she is concerned.

As you may have figured out by now, I believe in complete transparency in close *adult* relationships. I wonder that you wouldn't simply tell her there was something bad that happened during your relationship and should she want to know more you would tell her. Puts the decision firmly in *her* court then to know or not.

I don't think its at all noble what you are doing, sorry. But whatever helps you deal, its your karma. Good luck with it.

If my boyfriend from when I was 17 came to me and said that he had cheated on me back then, I would get nothing from it but bitterness. I would feel that he was just dumping his guilt in my lap.

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I think all women really want is to be proven wrong about men.

if you cheat on someone, just break up with them, they don't deserve you. yes, there is no point in telling them why, it will only mess them up and make them insecure.

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A heart full up like a landfill

Oh, Jesus...

We exchanged 5 e-mails this summer. Haven't talked to her since then.


I'm clean.


I never said anything about "protecting" her. I said that no good would come out of it. If I told her, she STILL would have no choice in the matter. She can't choose to unknow it.


I think you just hate cheaters. More power to you. I hate that I did it. Nothing good is going to come of me telling her. Period. Sometimes issues aren't as black and white as you want to make them.


Well, that would be an odd thing to bring up after two months of not talking after 4 years of not talking, but seriously, I think you're just so caught up in the "truth about everything else" that you're not even looking at the situation. Even with THAT statement, if she says no (which, who in their right mind would? Curiosity would always win), she'd always know there was something more wrong with her only sane relationship. Awesome.


I never said it was noble. It's just the best I have right now.

Helps me deal? LOL. I've clearly been agonized by this for SEVEN years. Good lord. My karma's just fine, thank you. I've made one major mistake in my life. I've had to make some sort of peace with that. Other than that, though, you don't know a thing about me. Judging me based on one mistake, no matter how big it is, is insane.

I'm glad you're better than this. I am. One less person cheating in this stupid world is absolutely fantastic. Good for you.

Please stop rubbing my nose in it because you feel morally superior. Thanks in advance.

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I agree. Keep it to yourself, Mathias. And try to be a little forgiving of yourself. You were just a kid, after all, and have obviously learned a lot since then. I certanly wouldn't want to be labelled for the rest of my life for something dumb I did when I was 19.

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this kinda reminds me of fatal attraction.

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"we must account for every idle word, so we must account for every idle silence." -ben franklin

Never seen it. Explain.

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in a way...kudos for man-ing up Mathias. thanks for sharing

i would say that you can find this moment with another girl, if it was meant to be it was meant to be if not it wasnt. i would try to date others and be thankful you had that great moment and look for it again somewhere else, there are to many women out there.