typed to "right where it belongs"- nine inch nails.

i cant believe i am actually ****ing typing this. i should just go to sleep. but i decided to type up a little story about loveforum.net and how i found it. and it is rambled. i just let it flow, it is out of order.

way back in january 2004 i met my first love. i was 15 years old, she was 14. we started out as friends. things really paced to holding hands and kissing in the summer. we fell madly in love. we became eachother's best friends. all of our friends all around seemed to disappear. we became eachother's worlds. it was just me and her, and everything was ok.

so i asked her out one day, and she took forever, but finally decided yes. her mom and her drove me home in their mustang convertible. it was 113 degrees out that day. they were really nice to me. they were better than my own family.
that was back when i still shared a room with my own brother. we lived in a very small trailor, because we are poor.

my girlfriend went to a wedding and a party while i sat at home. i started wondering if she cheated on me or something already. her and one of her friends tried to trick me into thinking she did, and it turned into a big mess. she ended up having to choose me over her friend... i am such an ass for that. that was around when i joined this forum. i frantically searched for a place that i could anonymously ask for help on google.

reluctantly, i found this site. i was a big jimi hendrix fan at the time, because i am into guitar playing, and such. so i made the screenname, lilwing89, little wing, being my favorite song by hendrix, 89 my birthyear.

people didnt like me at first. people who were regulars. several people joined near the time i did. people like tone, gigabitch, shh, only virgins, frasbee, and all those people i will always remember.

they were my friends all the time. i really didnt have any friends, ever. i was always the scrawny poor kid that nobody liked. i sat at recess every day, swinging on the swings by myself. nobody helped me. i never got a psychiatrist for it or anything. i am actually starting to get tears in my eyes, just from remembering it.

i developed a bunch of problems that i never got help for; an addiction to pornography, multiple personalities, lack of self esteem. if anyone ever wanted to know where the cucumber thing came from, this is it. when i was 10 years old i became addicted to pornography, because it is so easy to get on the internet. i got so addicted, i started looking at weirder and weirder porn. i eventually started thinking i was gay(4 years later), and i started "testing" myself to find out if i was gay. which is where my multiple personalities started. i strived to be alone, so i could be my REAL self.
i have gotten over the gay thing. i found out i wasnt gay. but i still have multiple personalities.

over the years, i have fell in love with girls who thought i was ugly, girls who made fun of me, and girls who pretended to love me, just to hurt me. i have been cheated on, abused and neglected by many girls.

not only that, but i have a shit mother, who, during my childhood, divorced my alcoholic father, for abusive boyfriends, who constantly beat me, strangled me, used abusive language when talking to me, broke my world, my dreams, my hope.
and what the hell, my mom didnt care, as long as we had a place to live, and she had someone to ****.

and that girl turned the world upside down. she was the best thing that ever happened to me. she gave me the right morals, she gave me the love i never had. she was my best friend, and a shoulder to cry on. i was a d student before i met her. every semester after i met her, i was on the honor roll, for the first time EVER in my life. she encouraged my art, she inspired me to be who i am, she did ****ing everything. she is the reason i decided to go to college, she is the reason why i have a job, she is the reason why i am still alive right now. (yes i have contemplated and even attempted suicide)

i am just too ****ing poor for her, and i am an embarrassment. here is how poor i am. i am wearing handmedowns, in a house with no heat, on a stolen computer, with hijacked wireless internet. what did i get for christmas? fifty cent candybars and an already broken promise to get a nintendo wii. i know it wont happen. i can understand, from looking into the mirror, every day, at those bloodshot eyes of mine, my hell of a life as clear as day; an outcast. it is why i have no friends. it is why nobody likes me. it was completely understandable, why she didnt want people to see her embracing me.

i had to get mad, i had to **** it up, with that last argument. i had to pressure just a little more, to see if maybe i wasn't so embarassing. it's my fault that i lost her, all my fault.

now i wake up and look into the mirror every morning, not wanting to be here. realizing that the girl who was everything, is now nothing, no more. realizing, i will never get her back, and no girl will ever love me that much. all that is left is a shard of an email, typed behind her parents' backs. it will never be anything more than that. i will never get to hold her in my arms again, i will never get to taste her sweet lips, i will never get to whisper "i love you so much" into her ear again.

that is why i wrote that diary for her. i had to show her what she did for me. i needed her to know all the things she was, and what she did. i needed her to know how i felt.

nobody ****ing understands, they really dont. they say they do, it can be a little shrink, sitting at the end of the table, telling you everything is ok. it can be your mom saying it isn't better anywhere else, and it can be someone on the internet, on the other side of the world, laughing at you, not knowing what it's really like.

so slap me down. call me names. i know everything i am already, there isn't possibly one more thing you could say. trying to destroy a city that is crushed to dust.

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I am almost not even here anymore.

Do NOT give her that diary.

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That problem isn't limited to teens or young people. It's the result of looking at everything in the world in terms of how it affects you and your life. The moment you truly realize that you aren't the center of things and that other people and your loved ones matter more is when that disappears because happiness is no longer equal to your own satisfaction.

Moogle, you need to snap out of it. She was not your last love nor the most important person ever in your life. She was not your saviour, if she was then you wouldn't be crying about it right now.

You need to accept two things. First, that you're not as pathetic as you're making yourself out to be. Second, and more important, everyone has their own burdens. You will never meet anyone who is sober and perfectly content in their life. You can sit all day and feel bad for yourself or you can own up and push past it.

There are people that have been in worse places than you and have come out better then most. Your life is not a lost cause and you're not that bad off.

Grow up.

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People are bastard coated bastards with bastard filling

Brilliant.

That's not sarcasm.

Listen to Ben.

He couldn't be more right if he tried.

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I'm finally working class and I don't even shave my head no more.

geez you people are harsh! Even if you have the "suck-it-up-and-get-on-with-it" type attitude, it still does not hurt to acknowledge things. Surely many of you have simply started a thread simply to vent! Surely you all know how hard it is to loose someone you love, even regardless of the other things mentioned??

There isn't anything I can say here except that I really hope your situation will improve.

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Oh, for the record, that's an excerpt from my blog.

There's more where that came from.

But I was just showin' 'Wing that while nobody else understands, that pretty much goes for everybody else to. We all go through shit that nobody can understand.

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I'm finally working class and I don't even shave my head no more.

^

Don't take the car comment seriously.

Girls! That's what Ben, if I may be so bold, told him: "Hang in there, there are better days ahead." Except, he said it in guy-speak, so to girls it sounds more like, "suck it up, you pussy." Now if this were Zach, Ben's post would probably hurt more than it helped, but this is lilwing, and he's a guy, so he could see what it meant.

i really wasnt offended by his post. if he had called me names, though, i would have.

i dont know how long it takes me to get over these things, but if that german girl gave me a kiss or something, it would really make my day!

how bad would that be? kissing at youth group?

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I am almost not even here anymore.

Actually, I thought his post was amazing.

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There are moments when one feels free from one's own identification with human limitations and inadequacies. At such moments one imagines that one stands on some spot of a small planet, gazing in amazement at the cold yet profoundly moving beauty of the eternal, the unfathomable; life and death flow into one, and there is neither evolution nor destiny; only Being. - Albert Einstein

My Zach is growing up.

Awesome.

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Whatever, you woman.

s'alright though...everyone thinks I'm a woman too.

even though your custom user title says "caveman swinging dick guy"?

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I am almost not even here anymore.