Thread: Stupidity

I don't know why I'm writing this. But I just feel like I need to, just so that I can accept my mistake and learn from it. It'll probably be long though, just a warning.

Stage One

I met him whilst playing a game. It was probably the lowest point in my life. It was at a time when all of the events of the past just hit me at once. I was downright miserable. But he said he can make it all better. I latched onto that dream...

Within the first few months I was obsessed with him. I had no idea why, I've always guarded myself. Besides, I've always been the logical one. To be obsessed with a guy i've never met was just a shock to me. But i remained obsessed.

Stage Two

He started being really controlling. Telling me how I should behave and telling me what I should do. But worse than that, when I didn't listen he ditched me. I felt horrid. I cried. But still I latched onto that dream. I apologised, I begged for forgiveness (in hindsight probably not my better ideas). Yet he left. I was miserable, I started stalking him online (yes, I know I was crazy!!!). He came back, of course that was when he needed my help, when he wanted to use me again. But I was stupid. I was delighted. I helped. I was lost in the dream. I latched on again.

Later, he told me he had cancer. He lied, he said it was a joke. I found out 1 year later that it was a joke. But before I even found out it was a joke, I stopped bringing it up. Because he didn't like it. I guess it was a sign, he never liked it when I pointed out how shitty he treated me. But I just accepted it and put up with it.

Stage three

I finally started reaching my breaking point. I was finally waking up from the illusion. Yet, when he realised he was goin to lose me, he told me he loved me. Siiiigh the things I stupidly fell for and believed.

I met him offline. He seemed nice at first. I was delusional thinking that he'd treat me better and everything would be alright. It didn't last long. He reverted back to his old ways. He made me miserable. Funny, he made me more miserable than I have been in the past and I didn't even think that was possible.

He forced me to give him a blowjob, altho like he said I probably should have been more resistant. Since to him a mere no does not suffice... He also asked me to send him nude pics of me. I did. Which I regretted the moment I did it. I even cried. Yet, he kept asking for more and I obliged. No idea why I did it. My sheer stupidity never seizes to amaze me. Yet I continued to be with him, for reasons beyond comprehension

Stage four

I broke up with him. THEN, he started acknowledging how bad he treated me. But sooner rather than later he reverted back. It was about how right he was and how he was the victim. He started to make me feel like a bitch again. He said he didn't do anything wrong. And that it was all my fault. I guess he is right, it was all my fault. Since I was the one who put up with it for more than two years...

I felt bad. I decided to be his friend. Heck, I helped him find a job. I even bought him a present. (Even though I spent more money than I would have liked on him already.) I don't know why I was so stupid. I just continued to be his doormat. I let him push me around. I continued to be pushed around by him for six months after the break up. (Yes, I know how stupid I was to keep in contact with him)

Finally, after almost three years, my good judgement prevailed and I finally cut off all contact with him.

I still don't kno what I'm writing this. I guess I just want to, because I feel like I want to admit my mistake even if it is anonymously. I'm tired of my friends telling me that I'm so great and so smart that I can never do something so stupid. I'm tired of pretending to be so "perfect", when I clearly am not. Its hard admitting all of this to people who have this rosey picture of you, so I just wanted to admit all of this anonymously.

I'm just writing this as proof that I once did something stupid. Something I would not have imagined possible. I guess proof that I was once a doormat to remind myself not to be one ever again.

Congrats on ending it! (Keep it that way!)

My 2 cents (though I'm sure you've already learned way more than this from your experience):

I feel like for us impulsive types, there's only a pretty narrow window right at the beginning of something when you're really fully in control, and that's the time to be really goddamn picky. You can find out a lot about someone faster than you really can fall hopelessly in love with that person, at least if you have actual dates where you talk and talk and talk a lot about yourselves and your past, and if you get a whiff of foulness at that point, then shut yourself down.

Meeting someone through WoW or some other purely Internet way sort of rules out really getting to know the person in the proper way, so just avoid that crap like the plague... meet someone SOON in person if you're even thinking about that.