Thread: Books about couple relations

I have been reading it in my free time. I think some of the insights are really great. So far, I think one of the best things I have learned from that book is to simply let my girlfriend talk when she is upset, instead of offering solutions. That is apparently a very typical male response.

Unfortunately, I have a hard time accepting much of John Gray's stuff. Also, he was divorced, so not exactly a shining example there.

Tho some of his points, like Mastadon Dinner, are spot on. I have actually read his books.

I have been referring people here to Will Harley's stuff for a while now. Solid, reasonable stuff. Most impressive is that he posts his stuff on the internet for all to benefit from, and isn't into quite so much into making money off peoples pain (Gray, Dr. Phil). He does offer workshops, tho, I believe.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/

I understand not everybody will have the same taste in what to read or which advice to take.

My reason for this thread is to make resources known and to share experiences about those resources, not to do a book review or to say which resource is better or worse, reason being: what works for you, doesn't necesairely work for someone else.

Just so we're all on the same page

Originally Posted by IndiReloaded

I have been referring people here to Will Harley's stuff for a while now. Solid, reasonable stuff.

I like quite a lot of his stuff to and was going to get at a later stage to Will Harley. Harley is sometimes a bit hard to understand, but his concept of the 'love bank' is a great one.

I started with 'Men are from Mars...' because it's an easy read, great for people who never have read a book about relations. I am certainly not saying it's a must or everything in the book is applicable to everybody.

The fact that the author is divorced shows that your relation doesn't necesairelly last, even if you are a 'relationship specialist'. Same for Dr. Phil.

Originally Posted by Yggdrasil

The fact that the author is divorced shows that your relation doesn't necesairelly last, even if you are a 'relationship specialist'. Same for Dr. Phil.

Yea. A little like the blind leading the blind, IMO.

Anyway, that's not to say there aren't good things in Gray or Dr. Phil's info either. I agree, Will Harley's stuff is kinda technical, almost for the more academically inclined. But, I do think its important to understand the context of where info like that comes from.

Some of the best advice for marriage that I got over the years wasn't from these books. It was from my family (esp grandparents) and volunteering w/old folks. For the young people here, I would really recommend talking to some of these old, wise folks and really paying attention. They know stuff, many through years of hard life experience, that is simply invaluable.

Marriage = patience, perspective, perseverence. Mixed with love & understanding that your partner is human and imperfect, just like you.

The Dance of Connection: How to Talk to Someone When You're Mad, Hurt, Scared, Frustrated, Insulted, or Desperate by Harriet Goldhor Lerner.

The essence of the book is to encourage you to figure out what you need to have from a relationship, and to communicate those needs, while finding out the same from the other person. In that simple statement, the book's concept is very much like the better negotiating books (such as Getting to Yes). Naturally, this advice is a lot harder to follow when your most intimate and closest relationships are involved. So you need someone to talk it over with.

You can also use this book as a source of coaching for most of the tough personal situations you may find yourself in. While reading this book, you will get more from it if you keep an open mind about the specifics of the advice being presented.

Although this book will seem like a natural to many women, I think most men will benefit as well. The examples go from the perspectives of both sexes, and men will get many valuable ideas for constructive ways to deal with conflict and issues. In my case, I find myself spending a lot of time listening to other people unburden themselves. Sometimes, this gets to be more than I am comfortable with. The book provided me with some valuable ideas for drawing limits to how many times I have to listen to the same complaint while still expressing my desire to support and be there for the other person.

I thought that the best parts of the book were the concepts of asking questions to find out more about what and why the other person is feelings the way she or he is, and providing the kinds of support that will make others realize that we care about them. Both are enriching and rewarding things to do.

Details:

Paperback: 272 pages
Publisher: Harper Paperbacks (August 6, 2002)
Language: English
ISBN-10: 006095616X
ISBN-13: 978-0060956165

Originally Posted by IndiReloaded

Marriage = patience, perspective, perseverence. Mixed with love & understanding that your partner is human and imperfect, just like you.

In my opinion the reason why marriage requires those things is because it goes against our instincts.

Someone could give me the same kind of advice about working for the same company, getting paid the same amount of money, while being expected to do incrementally more work every year.

Originally Posted by Frasbee

In my opinion the reason why marriage requires those things is because it goes against our instincts. Someone could give me the same kind of advice about working for the same company, getting paid the same amount of money, while being expected to do incrementally more work every year.

Pretty much.

One of the reaons I like to provide information about these books is because they can show you how to do things in a different way and how to gain understanding in the dynamics of marriage or relations.

I'm not forcing anyone to read those books or say they will work for everyone in any situation. Life's a learning curve and many of us have inherited unhealthy and toxic behaviours from our parents and peers.

Most of us are (unfortunately) not aware of those unhealthy behaviours and habbits so we keep on wondering why things go 'wrong' or why we don't get the results we intend.

That's where this extra knowledge may come in handy, eventhough there is no 'magic' and 'universal' rule.

They are simply tools to enrich yourself and your relation and to hopefully make the relation stronger and long(er) lasting.

What each individual does with the information, is up to them.

And I encourage others to share their experience with the books they read, be that a good or a bad experience. If a book on relationship s-cks, I guess people would like to know that to.

Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life by Susan Forward & Craig Buck

Susan Forward, Ph.D., is an internationally renowned therapist, lecturer, and author of the number one New York Times bestsellers Toxic Parents and Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them, as well as Betrayal of Innocence: Incest and Its Devastation, Money Demons, Emotional Blackmail, When Your Lover Is a Liar, and Toxic In-Laws.

In addition to her private practice, for five years she hosted a daily ABC talk-radio program. She has also served widely as a group therapist, instructor, and consultant in many southern California medical and psychiatric facilities, and she formed the first private sexual abuse treatment center in California. She lives in Los Angeles and has two grown children.

Dr. Forward maintains offices in Sherman Oaks, California. For further information, call (818) 986-1161.

Craig Buck, a film and television writer and producer, has also written extensively on human behavior for many national magazines and newspapers. He is the co-author, with Susan Forward, of Toxic Parents, Betrayal of Innocence, and Money Demons. He lives in Los Angeles with his wife and daughter.

Details:

Paperback: 320 pages
Publisher: Bantam Books
Pub. Date: January 2002
ISBN-13: 9780553381405

Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them: When Loving Hurts And You Don't Know Why by Susan Forward & Joan Torres

Forward is a therapist, author, and talk-show host whose specialty is abusive relationships. This book grew out of her realization that her own marriage as well as those of many of her clients followed a pattern. Many men need to control their relationships completely and consequently are mentally (if not physically) abusive.

They denigrate their partners, resent them if they have any outside interests, and become furious for trivial reasons. Women with low self-esteem are drawn to these men because they can also be charming and devoted.

Forward devotes the first half of the book to an analysis of the problem, the second half to breaking the pattern and getting outside help.

Details:

Paperback: 304 pages
Publisher: Bantam
Language: English
ISBN-10: 0553381415
ISBN-13: 978-0553381412

Healing the Shame That Binds You by John Bradshaw

John Bradshaw says: "The deepest wound of toxic shame is the inability to develop meaningful, intimate, human relations."

In an emotionally revealing way John Bradshaw shows us how toxic shame is the core problem in our compulsions, co-dependencies, addictions and the drive to super-achieve. The result is a breakdown in the family system and our inability to go forward with our lives. We are bound by our shame. Drawing from his 22 years of experience as a counselor, Bradshaw offers us the techniques to heal this shame. Using affirmations, visualizations, "inner voice" and "feeling" work plus guided meditations and other useful healing techniques, he realeases the shame that binds us to the past. This important book breaks new ground in the core issues of societal and personal breakdown, offering techniques of recovery vital to all of us.

Shame is a deep, debilitating emotion, with complex roots. Its cousins are guilt, humiliation, demoralization, degradation and remorse. After experiencing a traumatic event, whether recent or in the distant past, shame can haunt victims in a powerful and often unrecognized manner. Shame impairs the healing and recovery process causing victims of trauma to stay frozen, unable to forgive themselves for being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Shame leaves victims with feelings of sadness and pain at the core of their being. They are unable to feel the fullness of joy in their lives.

Trauma allows “shame thinking” to blossom from deep roots in culture, religion, family or our childhood past. As children we tend to blame ourselves for things that happen around us, because we are limited in our capacity to think about others being responsible. In a five-year old’s mind if something bad happened, then she or he must have deserved it, therefore the universe makes sense. It is not until around age 12 that we gain the cognitive capacity to see how others’ actions and behaviors are more complex with varying degrees of culpability. However, there are many confusing messages about responsibility in our culture, causing even adult victims of trauma confusion over responsibility for the perpetrator’s actions. For example, the way a woman was dressed being part of the questioning by a police officer investigating a sexual assault.

Shame can dissolve positive self-esteem and leave victims of trauma feeling different and less worthy and in some cases even bad or evil themselves. The trauma and the resulting shame potentiate each other, causing greater intensity in the psychological wounds. The end result is that a traumatized person no longer feels worthy of being loved, accepted, and having good things happen to them in their life.

Details:

Paperback: 245 pages
Publisher: HCI
ISBN-10: 0932194869
ISBN-13: 978-0932194862

i'm reading a really funny book atm called:

why men don't have a clue and women always need more shoes.

i have to say it made me laugh my ass off when i started reading it. it's a interesting read tho, she seems to know what she's sayin'. i agree with everything she says about women, i wonder do men agree with her and what she says about men.

Why Men Don't Have a Clue and Women Always Need More Shoes: The Ultimate Guide to the Opposite Sex by Barbara Pease & Allan Pease

Husband and wife team Barbara and Allan Pease attempt build on the success of their Why Men Don't Listen and Women Can't Read Maps (2001) with a volume that succumbs to sequelitis. Some new research leads to a familiar conclusion: men have problem-solving brains and women have processing brains, and never the twain shall meet.

In the chapter "Seven Things Men Do That Drive Women Insane," for example, the Peases explore the problem of the remote control. Men aren't flipping through all those channels to be difficult or annoying-it's just evolution. Women, they explain, like to relax at the end of a long day with a show that involves "human interaction and emotional scenes."

Men, on the other hand, enjoy whizzing through the channels to "analyze the problems in each program and consider the solutions needed." The authors also explain that men's brains are hard-wired to find certain physical female attributes sexy (no surprise there) and advise women to just accept it: "If you think it's absolutely necessary, treat yourself to a nose job or enhance your breasts for your birthday."

Their flippancy may turn off some readers, and their attempts at comedy often fall flat. The Peases cite a good number of sources-theories of evolutionary biology and snippets of brain research, spiced up with vignettes and anecdotes-but it's hard to take their research seriously when they include such fluff as lists of what men and women say vs. what they mean ("Nice dress," when a man says it, means "Nice breasts"; women say "Do you love me?" and mean "I want something expensive").

Also, they might have explored, or even acknowledged, the possibility that nurture may have big hand in inter-gender misunderstanding too. Instead, women (the intended audience here) get advice like this: "The key is always to manage the males in your life, rather than arguing... or feeling frustrated with them. That way, both sexes can live happily ever after." If they say so.

Details:

Paperback: 336 pages
Publisher: Broadway; 1 edition (Jan 13 2004)
Language: English
ISBN-10: 0767916107
ISBN-13: 978-0767916103