| wewt online diary in a thread--gg. This is an Off-Topic forum, but I still need to know something...
I've developed this rather.. "seething" hatred for human beings in general. I'm kind of left off in an awkward situation because I'm basically pushing people away because of my hatred for their extreme stupidity. It's not that I don't have many friends anymore because they don't like me, it's because I quite simply hate everybody else. Older people aren't exactly intrigued by the thought of hanging out with me because I'm only 15, and I am definitely not intrigued by the thought of some asshole who has nothing better to talk about then how much more pussy he gets than me (regardless of whether or not it's true) and other things that remind me of how I used to be about a good 3-4 years ago.
Don't get me wrong--I'm not one of those emo assholes either. Speaking of which, somebody actually came to me today (technically yesterday, it's 6 AM and I still can't sleep because of that ****ing online relationship) and threatened to kill himself. I've known this kid since 7th grade, and I've always known he was a typical human being who has nothing better to talk about then how much more pussy he gets than me (regardless of whether or not it's true) and other things that remind me of how I used to be about a good 3-4 years old. He tries to impress everybody else, and all of the rest of that bullshit. I can literally see every step of his life and how he ****s himself over. Anyway, he says "Nick.. call Megan and tell her to help me through this..."
This is the part where I turn into a monstrous and terrible human being:
I called Megan (my ex-girlfriend, by the way) and this is how it went:
Me: Hey! How's it goin'?
Her: Good, and yourself?
[Insert imaginable bullshit here]
Me: So yeah! Joe is threatening to kill himself!
Her: WHAT?! Z0MG LIEK OMFG
^^ Emphasis on the caps
Me: Why are you being so dramatic?
Her: WELL IT'S A DRAMATIC SITUATION
Me: Okay, that's great... You can either be part of the hurricane or you can be the eye of the storm. You choose.
Her: It doesn't work like that.
[Insert unspoken reasons as to why I hate humans because of their lack of intelligence right... here]
Me: Oh? OK. Well, call him...
Her: I can't! His phone is disconnected.
Me: Ha... Well, I'm going to go eat lunch now! Talk to you later! *click*
I told the guy that her phone died, and that I had to go eat lunch. I also told him not to do anything stupid. Too late.
It has become pretty severe, this hatred of mine.... Regardless, at this point I feel like an extremely arrogant person because I'm speaking like I'm the only person here with intelligence. That isn't what I mean. It just seems like I'm the only person my age (who is local) with intelligence.
And another thing--women. Oh God... I've been single for longer than I've ever been since I was 11 (literally; for reasons other than this too)--my standards have shot through the roof. It even sickens me more than I feel an attraction to the point of infatuation for these people that are the most psychologically screwed up you can find.
Hmmm... there's probably more to rant about.. Oh, right! The online relationship--that was ****ing weird. I've known this person online for a while as friends so it's not like it was spontaneous. Anyway, to keep things short she's another person who is completely psychologically ****ed up (though I got her to see that and admit it, which is cool) and while we were just friends I was able to see every pattern in her that identified something similar. So many signs... So, during one of her downers, I told her things I could see about her past that she had never told anybody before (how blatant it was that she had been abused by a foreign (step) parent), which creeped her out. There was a lot of shit I came up with, being an over-analytical person... Things lead to another, next thing you know, Ms. "I HATE the phone" is talking to me for 3+ hours every night (heh.. talk about psychologically healthy. I wanted to shoot myself.)
So, yeah... Then, my insecurities about females in power come in. That was great. Yeah......... I don't even want to go into detail about that.
More shit I don't want to talk about, and here I am with her off of my buddy list and us two ignoring each other. Way to go Nick! I feel mature now. And then I question myself--"Am I being immature?" I am answered by James, "Yes." Oh, in case you didn't know, James is this other guy in my head. He's a ****ing badass. My cousin has several people in his head too, and he's the only other person I know who is at my level (and a business partner--known him since 7th grade. I call him Oompa because he's 4'11" and he CLAIMS to be 5'0"--I say he's bullshitting even though I know it's true). So yeah, James is all saying shit like "Yep, you're being an immature dickhead!" I have no idea why I called it James, either. I'm psychotic. I also rule.
The voice is always honest with me. Always. It says things I don't feel like saying but I know are true. It's not that I don't have the balls to say it--I'm a strong person, I just don't feel like saying it. Anyway...
So yeah, I'm being immature ("So, Nick... tell me about how you're the only one with intelligence again please..."). Maybe I'll call her or something today...maybe... Though, isn't it inappropriate? Perhaps. I need to face my insecurities and purge them from my brain--but is an online relationship a healthy thing for me? My therapist said something along the lines of "Nick--Where is this relationship going to go?"
The girl online is 20, just thought I'd let you know. THAT caused a lot of guilt and bullshit, since I'm 4 years (and some change) younger than she is, and therefore sex is illegal. With all the phone sex we had, I'm sure she ended up getting over it...
When my therapist asked where the relationship was going to go, I told him that we had already talked about that (I initiated the question with her, of course) and we didn't really know. I just cared about her, in a way. It might sound crazy because it's an online relationship but I actually...cared about her. Why am I using past tense? I still care about her... I don't know what to do. All of this bullshit drama that--ugh, (You can be the hurricane/thunder or you can be the eye of the storm).
I should start listening to myself sometimes.
Yeah, writing really helped me feel better I guess. I still have that ball in my throat, you know.. When you feel like crying but it just isn't enough to make you come out and tear... Yeah... When I think about it, I'm a pretty lucky kid... I'm also still a kid.
I'll probably end up texting her today. And then I'll look like I was the weak one of that she won some game, but I don't care. I have to be the bigger person.
Heh... to anybody who made it down this far, thanks for reading.  | 
Linear Mode
