....

why do i have to sit here day by day and wonder about things that happened years ago? Why do i have these memories that haunt my dreams... i've wronged, who hasn't?, but why am i STILL paying for it? Ive squeezed myself into a corner, and now i have no way of getting out by myself. I'm unwilling to let anyone in other from mike and tim... becuase they're only ones that have yet to hurt me.... i'm done with my emotions for now. I have officially closed myself off from love.

I am going to have no money soon becuase I will be spending it all on an apartment and bills.. I have financially put myself into a place that i do not want to go. I am going to help support my sister and my niece along with myself... and i am only seventeen years old.. how am i sposed to do this? How am i supposed to afford college? What does this life have in store for me? Why can't things just go smooth anymore? I've had my homicidal days, along with my suicidal ones, i've had my share of grief, agony, pain, misery, and angst. I've matured a lot over the years, but there is a little girl inside of me trying to make her way out.. why she would want to be in this hellish life and feel the emotions i feel is beyond me. Inside, i feel like im dying. I've suffered for years, and i don't want to suffer anymore.

I'm sick of feeling like shit. I hate how people want me to feel horrible, making everything out to be my fault, how they lay these guilt trips on me, how they toy with my heart and my head. I'm slowly, but surely, falling away from who i am. The Nichole people know has been gone for quite some time now, and she's trying to come back. This hole i've found myself to be in keeps getting deeper by the hour. My heart's been broken, and it's going to take time to fix it.. i've been trying to fill the void, but unfortunately its been with the wrong things.

With each day that goes by, the void in my heart gets bigger and my sanity dissolves into thin air. I don't know how much longer i can smile, even my fake ones. My life is bringing me in a direction that i've never known, and i'm getting lost.

I've lost myself in my emotions. I cannot go into the past a correct my mistakes, but I can try to make my choices for my future better, but how am i to do that? How do i sit here and say.. this is what needs to happen... it's for the better, when i am the one that's in the middle of it? I can't. How can i see beyond my situations and look at things from the outside and tell myself??

"Giving up doesn't always mean you are weak; sometimes it means that you are strong enough to let go

If you're desperate enough for a change, and you want happiness SO badly, it's a lot easier to take a step back and say "wow...this is some bullshit. I need to make a change." It doesn't matter if you're in the middle of it. it DOES..however, matter that you say you can't. You need a better outlook on this. I really dont KNOW what you're situation is..but i know about paying for mistakes longer than you want to. You just have to start focusing on other aspects..and making things better for yourself. Then your situation's easier to fix.

__________________

"In the future, everyone will be famous for 15 minutes..." -Andy Warhol

This sounds like normal teenage angst to me. You'll be fine. Everyone your age struggles with what direction their life is taking. Try to keep yourself more occupied or you will drive yourself crazy with too much self-reflection.

__________________

hahahaha you're right Vashti, this chick is so emo

oh my ****ing god. what do you want us to do? pat you on the back and tell you everything will be okay?

stop wasting your time whining on an internet forum about poor little you and your sucky life and make a DIFFERENCE. steve is correct in the essence that change actually requires YOU AND YOUR WILL FOR CHANGE. you actually (perhaps unconsciously) decide to feel this way, and you have made these decisions, and ONLY YOU can tell yourself that "this is bullshit" as steve put it, throw in the rag, and try something better.

It's that simple.

How can everyone but Tim and Mike be people who have wronged you? I have not, I have never met you yet so I have not yet had the chance to wrong you...which I TOTALLY would if I did.

__________________
Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.

get a student loan for college and tell you sister to pay her own damn way (if shes older than you). shes a bum.