I read this on a blog and thought it was funny!
I think it was inspired by the Cosmo this Feb, How to get closer to your man. He did a "How to get closer to your woman". I thought it was funny. Hope it makes some of you smile.
It's from: muramusu.wordpress.com
I recently found a copy of Muramuselle’s Cosmopolitan magazine and started to flick through it. There was an interesting article called ‘How to Get Closer to Him’ in the Love and Lust section. It was a very interesting read, with lots of tips on how to please a man. For instance, one of the tips was: Why not buy him his favourite pizza and send it to his office. I thought: yeah nice idea but what if he’s a taxi or bus driver? Are you going to have the delivery boy chase him around town trying to post the pizza through the window of his vehicle?
There were other tips that were a bit more practical, and I’ve noted down quite a few of them. Mental note and paper note. Also computer. But it got me thinking, why do guys never get the same helpful tips about women? Because sometimes we have trouble pleasing our ladies and could use a little help from time to time.
So that’s what I’ve done here, compiled a short list of tips to please your woman. I did my research for this too; watching both men and women closely to better understand them. I was thrown out of countless swimming pools for researching a little too closely in the changing rooms, but it was worth it. So without further ado:
MURAMUSU PRESENTS…
How to Get Closer to Her (without the use of a telephoto lense)
* Why not slip a handkerchief in her bag with a cute message on it. Something like: “You’re my little love duckling.” Or “Kisses and cuddles my smoochy piglet.” It’ll make her day.
* Maybe you could leave a message on her voice mail. Something that makes her feel wanted and to show how much you look forward to seeing her. How about
: “I’ll be waiting for you when you get home with my trousers down.”
* A little tip for you, girls love breakfast in bed. So why not surprise her with a full English breakfast in the morning and to make it even more of a surprise why not start to feed it to her before she’s even awake.
* For a real treat why not bring some special ‘toys’ into the bedroom. It always spices up a long dark night. Don’t be shy about this. I can still remember the first time I tried this and it went down a treat. Muramuselle wondered why I was looking so smug sitting there in bed but then she pulled back the covers and saw the ‘toys’ laying there. “You’re a bad boy” she purred as she climbed into bed with me. Hungry Hungry Hippos, Jenga and then Buckaroo. That was one wild night beneath the sheets (with a torch). We also played Pop-up Pirate but that’s another story.
* Women love gifts. So on your way home from work, why not pick something up that’ll make her feel good. Maybe a small tool kit if she ever feels like doing odd jobs around the house or the book Post Traumatic Stress Disorder for Dummies (Did she ever really recover mentally from falling off her bike as a kid?)
* Girls often feel left out when the guys are having a poker night or watching the wheelchair basketball on television. So instead of ignoring her or sending her off to the cinema with some money, why not involve her in the proceedings. Make her feel wanted. Perhaps she could fetch the drinks? Or cook you up some delicious snacks? Even just having the guys slap her behind as she goes past let’s her know she’s appreciated.
* Hugging and touching is important in a relationship. Professional relationship councillors say we should touch (hug, stroke, caress, shake hands with) our partners at least 5 times a day. I know, we thought the only 5-a-day guidelines we had to worry about were the fruit/vegetable one and the passing stool one but apparently the touching one is just as important. I find combining them into one 15-a-day guideline is handy. I call it the FTAS rule: The Fruit, Touch and Stool rule. Just don’t try to combine these to save time. That could end your relationship rather than help it.
* When we hug our partners, it’s usually only for 3-5 seconds. But sometimes this just isn’t long enough to show your partner how much you love them. So at least once during the day, hug them for 10-15 seconds and don’t warn them when you’re going to do it. You might even want to count the seconds in your head, or even out loud if you trust your mouth over your brain. But remember if your partner starts to struggle, just continue to hold her close and whisper in her ear: “It’s for the best baby.”
* Role-Playing. For some couples it’s a real turn on to have their partner act out a fantasy role for them or be the one acting out the fantasy. You might think this practice is silly or immature but a lot of Hollywood’s greatest stars caught the acting bug while dressed as a fireman/nurse performing for their partner/sex specialist (prostitute). So don’t be embarrassed about it. Here are a few roles you could try playing: Lawyer, Hygiene officer, retired Superhero and Paramedic. This is pretty much all I can think of.
* Sometimes when your partner gets home and she’s had a busy day, she doesn’t want you talking into her face as soon as she comes through the door, so why not just stay quiet (that means shut up). Then simply sit her down at the dining table and both eat your meal in silence. When she wants to talk she will. I find staring at her as much as possible helps calm her down and shows that you’re being attentive.
* When you think a relationship is becoming a little stale, try to add some excitement to it. I once had the great idea of holding a surprise party for Muramuselle. It wasn’t her birthday or even an anniversary; I just wanted to surprise and delight her. I couldn’t get hold of her friends at such short notice so I printed out life size pictures of their faces and stuck them onto some mannequins I had previously purchased off eBay. I also set the party in the attic to add an extra layer of surprise; I was going to ask her if she could fetch something from there because I was busy on the toilet (part of the FTAS rule). And I also set up a special trip wire effect so when she crossed it, her mannequin ‘friends’ would pop up in front of her and I’d come up behind her at that exact moment and yell “SURPRISE!”
* It was the perfect plan.
* Except it wasn’t.
* The trip wire was too sturdy and she actually fell forward just as a dummy popped up underneath her chin. This blow left her shocked and quite confused. And as she staggered back she noticed the dummies with her friend’s faces standing there and she mistook them for demons that had murdered her friends and were now wearing their faces as some kind of gruesome trophy. What made it worse was the dummy in the middle had no face at all because it had slipped off, so as far as she was concerned, he was the leader of this collection of hell-sent villains. Also the trip wire/pop up contraption had shorted out a fuse and the lights were flickering like crazy. And unbeknownst to me, there was a laughing doll in there somewhere that had been set off by a nudge from a mannequin.
* It was at this exact moment that I came up behind her and yelled “SURPRISE!”
* It took 3 weeks before my face healed after the blow from her elbow. And it was a further 7 weeks before poor Muramuselle could speak again. But it certainly added a little spark to our lives. You could try something similar - not too similar though. Actually it’s probably just best to buy her a kitten.
So there you go. I hope my list helped in some way. If you want to add any additional hints and tips on pleasing either gender then please leave them in the comments area.
Now if you don’t mind I have to go and complete my FTAS. Hey I can read Cosmopolitan while I’m at it.
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