| ... Hello again everyone. I have some bad news to report to you all about my whole situation.. Lately it just seems to be one bad thing after another. And everytime something good seems to pop up, then at at closer look it is tainted. No matter how hard I try to make friends, and try to be happy, or with anything I do, I always seem to just come crashing down. Everytime I hit the ground I seem to just be getting pressed farther and farther in the dirt. And I have reached a depression. Again.
Andira has stopped talking to me. She called 2 days ago to say hi and then she had to go to work and said she would call me yesterday so we could hang out. She never called.
I met her fiancee on Saturday. He seems cool. I tried to get to know him so we could be friends, but he stayed kinda distant of me. I think he knows that Andira and I used to date back in high school and he doesnt like her hanging out with me. Which to me, is perfectly understandable. I used to be the same way. Jealousy. So I didnt let it get to me too bad. But because of him I have lost a friend for the second time.
Like I said before, a relationship is not really what I want. Well, I do. But I am not impatient about it. I know my day will come for me to meet someone. But until then I want friends to be able to hang with and have fun. And, well, yesterday I realized that I may never have friends again.
I used to be popular in high school. Not like popular like the football player guys were. But everyone knew who I was. I had about 1000+ ppl that liked me. And the same amount that hated me. I always had someone to talk to and hang out with. There was never a dull moment. But over the years and the two relationships I've had things have really changed alot. I am still the same person that I was back then. I am just older and wiser. Some ppl say I am more mature than I was back then, and yet others say I am more immature. I like to think I am more mature, but to be honest I dont know. I know I dont act like a little kid. But I guess everyone has their opinions about everyone and there is nothing I can do to change that.
Saturday was a pretty good day for me. I took two of my little brothers to the batting cages with me. They had fun, but they mostly wanted to play the arcade games. Neither of them is really that active and swinging a bat isnt on their top 10 fun list. But I played video games with them and air hockey and stuff. But I also batted my ass off that day. And I broke a bat. An aluminum bat. Which is unheard of to me. The guys that owned the place told me I didn't have to replace the bat. They took my picture of me holding the broen bat and placed it up on display with the bat. They have never seen anyone break an aluminum bat before just from hitting the ball. Most broken bats they see are ppl hitting the ground or throwing the bat or it slipping out of their hands. But I just hit the ball and the bat snapped in two. It was awsome. My brothers got a good laugh out of it.
Well after about an hour of batting and playing vid games Andira calls me and wanted me to meet her fiancee. So I invited them up to where I was. We played a few rounds of pool and me and Andira hardly said one word to each other. I kept talking to her fiancee but he would just give me short answers and never try to start up a convo. But I never stopped talking. I would laugh at my mistakes at the game (i suck at pool) and would just try to have a conversation and get to know the guy. Didn't really work that well.
After about an hour of playing pool Andira had to go to work so they left and I went back to the batting cages and batted for about 3 hours just to kill time. My brothers continued to play there arcade games too. This was the best day of the weekend. And it wasnt that great.
Sunday I woke up and started to clean out my brothers old room (he moved out like 2 months ago to go live with my mom because him and my dad dont get along) so that I could move into it. Since february I have been living on the couch in the living room. I never have any privacy unless I am in the restroom. And i hated it out there. BLAH.
Well I had all my brothers stuff out of there sunday afternoon and my dad painted the room. Then I moved all my stuff in that night and the next morning. I spent most of my day yesterday in that room playing my brothers guitar (btw - i cant play guitar, but i started to pick up on it pretty well). I learned to play Behind Blue Eyes by Limp Bizkit. I have sore fingers now, but I am not going to stop playing it. I know soon my fingers will start to get hard and the pain will stop. When this happens I am going to learn to play alot more things on it. I want to turn my poetry into songs, all of them. And I dont want a band anymore. We all died a while back anyways. So I am goin solo. Just like in every other area of my life. Solo.
Well, between Saturday night of me going to the store and this morning I did not leave the house at all. Kinda depressing a bit. I had no phone calls, I had no visitors. I had no reason to leave the house. over 48 hours of being in a house without going outside. Gave me alot of time to think. Think about my past. Think about my future. Think about everything. Think about nothing.
I cant even begin to write down what thoghts were going thru my head. But I started to get really depressed. So I took a shower to try to feel better. A really really really hot shower. Made my muscles feel better and relaxed my whole body, but I was still depressed. So I laid down in bed to fall asleep at about 11pm last night. This was the first time I have laid in a bed since I was with Destine. I started to cry. I buried my face in her pillow (yes I still have our pillows that we used when we were together) and I just cried my eyes out. I havent cried in a month or two and it felt good to cry. Felt like I was lifted of 1000 pounds of something that I could not see. And then after about 3 hours of crying I just laid there staring at the ceiling. I would play connect the dots and find pictures and/or shapes up there. Kinda like ppl do with stars. I used to do that all the time with Destine.
This is when it hit me. I'm not over her. I still miss her dearly. Its hard to explain how I feel about her. If she was to walk up to me right this very instant and tell me she wants me back I would tell her to go **** herself. I dont want to get back with her. I know how she is. But for some reason I cant let go of the past. I was so happy. And now I'm not. The happiest times of my life was with her. And I just want to be happy again. I miss what we had. I miss the love we shared. I miss holding her and kissing her, and hearing her laugh. to see her smile, to feel her touch. To just wake up and see her laying there still asleep. To make love to each other. To play with our son together. To just star into each others eyes for what seemed like hours.
There are sooo many things that I experienced with her that I never experienced before and I want all those things back. I want them back badly. So badly it hurts without them. But then I can turn around and see everything that happened to us, how she changed, how I saw the hate set it day by day and I could see her drifting away from me faster and faster and no matter how much I tried she wouldn't listen. All the pain she caused me. All the times she cheated on me, and lied to me. Everything she has taken from me. It all enraves me with anger. no, more than anger. I cant fit a word to what I feel because of what she is and what she's done.
How could someone so beautiful and so sweet turn so sour and mean so fast ?
I did everything she ever wanted. I gave her anything she wanted. She had everything because of me. And it left me with nothing. To this day I am nothing. And now I feel it. the never ending emtiness which lives inside of me. The light that I held onto for so long has died. It is gone. I feel nothing. No pain. No anger. No love. No sadness. No happieness. No hatred. Nothing. I am empty.
I have no friends. My brothers dont want to hang out with me anymore. Andira has stopped talking to me because of her jealous man. Destine left me 3 months ago. Robin doesn't want to be near me. All my old friends hate me. And no one wants anything to do with me.
Hmm... Ok - I am going to stop blabing now because I am sure none of you are even reading this - and if you are reading this I know you are tired of hearing this kind of stuff and really dont want to be reading this. So yeah. End.
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Yeah... That's right.
-Billy | 
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