Well, I have been doing a lot of thinking. ALOT ! And after much thinking, I decided to talk to the girl I am interested in.

The thing is, she is engaged to this other guy, and yet shows me the kind of attention only a SO should get. We hang out like friends do, but then we'll slowly get closer and closer as the time goes by. We will start to touch each other a lot, just playing of course. Like tickling and poking and shit. Then it turns to holding, then kissing.

I really like her a lot too, which makes this harder on me. We were together in the past, but I left her for no reason at all. I was a kid and didn't know what I wanted. Then slowly we started to hang out together less and less, then once I graduated hs we lost contact all together.

Well, she's back in town. Engaged. Going to college in Florida. We start to hang out a lot and stuff starts to get heated between us. We kiss a lot, hold each other, hang out a lot. All while her fiancée is at home doing whatever he does.

Things were weird because of the whole situation for me. They still are a bit. So I started to try and control my urges to kiss her and get close to her while we were around each other. This didn't work.

To be honest, I see something in her I didn't see before. I have fallen for her. Not enough so much as for me to say I love her. I do love her, don’t get me wrong, but like all things, it takes time to fall IN love with someone. But this feeling is enough for me to say I am definitely heading in that direction. I could see myself a few years down the road marrying her.

Then her fiancée she has now pops into my head. So I put myself in his shoes. What would stop her from cheating on me if I was engaged to her ? What if she leaves this guy to get with me and then goes back to him every now and then behind my back ? What if someone else pops into the picture ?

Well, I let this pass me all by as I still hang out with her and kiss her and all that stuff. I have so much fun with her. She makes me feel, well, alive again. She knows what to say, when to say it and what to do, when to do it to just make me feel good all over. Especially on the inside. When I am with her I don’t feel the pain anymore. Just happiness.

Well, today during my lunch hour we didn't see each other, but we talked on the phone while I ran my errands. I asked her flat out "If you were to leave your man, and get with me, what would keep you from cheating on me ?" After a long silence she replied "I would have no one to cheat on you with." Then I said,"Ok, well what if someone new pops into the picture. Lets say your at school in Florida, and some really hot guy comes up to you and likes you a lot, and ya'll just click. You have all the opportunity in the world to sleep with him and no one would EVER know. What would stop you ? IF you decided not to do anything..." She then replied after a brief silence, "My conscience." I then laughed and said, "What about now ? What about your conscience now ?"

This really caused a BIG silence in the conversation. I caught her off guard with that one.

Then we started to talk more and she tells me she doesn't want to settle down. This totally blew my mind. She basically wants to be with him and still be able to see other people. Especially when she is over at school for 9 months out of the year. She complained to me that she has all these friends that go on double dates and crap and she never gets to have any fun because she cant go. Then she tells me when she is over there she feels single but with the responsibilities of a fiancée. I was starting to see where she was coming from, but I really don’t agree with it one bit.

I then confessed to her that I am the total opposite. I WANT to settle down with 1 person, no matter how close or far. I told her I get no pleasure from seeing multiple women or anything like that.

I then proceeded to ask her how she felt about me. She replied, "I like you, but... I would definitely want to date you again, if I was single." I didn't know what to say so I just repeated, "Only if you were single."

The conversation pretty much died at this point so I asked her when I could talk to her next. Then we hung up and I came back to work.

Well, by this point I have gotten very frustrated and turned off from her. Now I know her objective and I want no part in it. I will still be her friend, but I won’t kiss her anymore or be intimate what so ever.

Did it hurt ? Not really. Did it feel good ? **** no. Am I upset ? Oh bet your ass I am upset. Will I get over it ? I will be over it by the time work lets out today. Will it haunt me for the rest of my life ? Are you kidding, come on. Will I move on ? You bet your ass, I'm already moved on.

I just think its funny, this whole thing. It seems to be happening, or at least trying to happen, a lot these past few weeks. Every girl I meet that I am interested in or that’s interested in me is ****ing married or engaged. WTF is this world coming to ?! Hell, even today while I was out doing errands I had my damn bank teller flirting with me.

WHY THE HELL DO I ATRACT WOMEN THAT ARE TAKEN ?!?! HAVE ALL THE SINGLE WOMEN VANISHED ?!

Maybe I am just way above everyone my own age that I have lost sight of the women my age. I have no idea where any hang out, except for bars/clubs, and you all know I hate bars/clubs. I will never set one foot in one for the rest of my life, and I wont date anyone that goes to clubs. I want AWAY from the club life. I had enough of that shit while I was with the stripper, Destine, to last me a ****ing lifetime.

Also drugs and alcohol. God damn. Its like there are no sober single women left that are 19-22. Even the damn temp girl that was working here last week was married AND a ****ing drugie that was hitting on me.

Do I have a sign on my forehead saying "Looking for Married Drug Whore!" ?! WTF ?!

or maybe I got that Magical L that Alexi has ! I don’t ****ing know anymore. There is SOMETHING wrong with me here. And I wish I knew what it was.

People always say "go out. have fun. meet new people." That’s ****ing easier said than ****ing done ! Where the hell do I go ? Bars ? Clubs ? What’s left after those two ? Single Parent Support Groups ? You have got to be kidding me. Go to a ****ing coffee shop and sit there at a table and wait for someone to start talking to me ? Likes that’s really going to happen ! Ok, so I start talking to other people ? Yeah, then they will think I am some kind of weirdo...

Hey ya'll ! Lets go search the internet for a woman ! Ok. Been doing it for 3 months now ! Ain’t found shit !

So here I am. YET AGAIN. single. lonely. Miserable. ranting and raving to ppl i don’t even know and that don’t give a care in the world about me. I don’t even have any friends anymore. THATS what makes things the hardest. If I had friends that would hook me up on dates with someone that would be helpful. Hell, I even asked the girl I was talking about earlier if she'll hook me up with a single chick. Guess what ?! All of a sudden she doesn't have any friends either ! So I get no help from her in this area. Other than her I don’t talk to anybody but my little pl3x.net group and you guys on this forum.

I tried starting conversations with people at the batting cages, and all I get is the cold shoulder. No one wants to talk anymore. I talk to people in stores while I'm shopping, pumping gas, etc etc. Everywhere I go I try to start up conversations with people. ANYONE. Just to try and make a friend. Just 1 ****ing friend. ONE !!!

From one friend it will grow. I will meet his/her friends and most likely becomes friends with them, and so on and so on... Then eventually BAM ! I have friends out the ass again. I have connections. People can hook me up with single women. Then I just might find someone that’s compatible with me. Then BAM I'm married, have a good job, stable family, great friends, and lots of them. Now THAT is the perfect life. The life I've always wanted.

And it all starts with just one friend. Just one person that will expose me to others. That one person that I cant find. The person that is going to help pull me out of the hell hole.

But will I ever find this person ? Will I ever meet anyone ? No. Why you may ask ? I don’t know exactly. I have narrowed it down to one of two possible answers. 1) I am doomed to be alone and die a horrible painful death and go to hell for all my sins. or 2) God has not finished molding me into the being I was put here to be.

Its kinda funny when I think about it. 4 months ago I was 0% religious. I didn't believe in a God or Devil. There was no Heaven or Hell. But since I found God everything seems to be revolving around Him in some way. Why didn't I see any of this before ? Its all so ****ing obvious. I used to laugh at the believers. Now I pity the non-believers. And I envy the non-believers. For they have not seen the light and do not know the true meaning of peace and happiness, and yet they have not experienced the full amount of pain that the Lord can give.

What is that saying ? "The closer you get to God, the more painful it becomes."

I must be pretty close to Him right now.

__________________
Yeah... That's right.

-Billy

Billy-youre showing WAY too much desperation when youre out-starting up conversations with strangers is ok but sounds like youre going overboard. What happened to wanting or at the very least trying to find yourself and not worrying about a damn woman in your life? Geezuz youve got 2 kids at home youre taking care of right now-and the last 2 relationships were and are over-start by letting that go=cause its obvious you havent.

I think its great that you found God and now you have to FAITH and trust in HIM and know that He does have a plan for you-you may not see that now-but for whatever reasons youre going through what you are for a reason. Maybe its for you to take some time to find yourself and know yourself-there could be a million reasons why and no one can really tell you. But you have to relax here and not feel so much dispair. Youre alive and have 2 or 3 kids that need you you should feel blessed.

What are you so worried about in your life that everyday there is drama in your emotional world? Ive got so much shit that happens on a daily basis with a teen I could scream-but I thank God I have a son. (ok some days I wanna choke the kid) but we all have a bad now and then and youre having it everyday...so it seems anyway.

Try joining a church...youd be amazed at the people youd meet there and who knows...but getting involved with groups or the community is a start such as going to the batting cage-but maybe look into some singles thing-but I would try and just stay single for awhile. You dont NEED anyone in your life...you need yourself and the Good Lord-He will take care of you-trust in it. Youre just finding out and learning things-life is full of curves balls-but its how you hit it that makes the difference. Start doing some positive things for yourself-hell Clifton is gonna read up on some books that are self motivators-good for him-maybe you should.

Life is not all bad-it can be very enjoyful when youre happy yourself...look to yourself before looking to someone else to do it.

__________________
everything happens for a reason...

Billy,

I am so sorry that you got hurt but I really and truly believe that it's better that now you know the truth. If there was no Fiance, she's just not looking for what you are.

However, in answer to your question - why do you make the choices that you make. You and I have similar problems - I too often make bad choices in people. I can only say that as I have travelled down life's path I seem to still make bad choices but a different kind of bad!

Seriously when I was younger I dated guys that were always the aggressors and while I was happy to shower them with attention and affection - I realized later that dating guys like that took alot of the guess work out of dating - I always knew where I stood and how they felt.

Older and wiser, I am willing to put myself out there more so that I can be in the kind of relationship I want rather than letting someone sweep me off my feet and then try to run my life for the next few years!

Some people might say that you are interested in this girl who is unobtainable because its safe and you can't get hurt - - I tend to think that's crap because developing feelings for someone who really isn't in a position to return them is VERY painful.

I can only say that with each and every relationship I make a different mistake, but I do my best to hold fast to the belief that each relationship takes me closer to the person that will make this journey worthwhile. I think the journey will make me appreciate that special person so much more.

__________________

I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed shrink is our friend. - Jack Handy