Ok, I just registered here and need some opinions. I'm sorry this is so long. I hope you can stick with it.

First my back ground.

I am currently separated and I have a girlfriend that is also separated living with me, well sort of.

First of all I'm sure that a lot of people would say I should be divorced before shacking up with someone else but that’s not what I want to talk about.

Now let me digress. I got together with my current wife a bit over 3 years ago. We have been married a bit over a year. Our relationship was shaky from the beginning and now it is over. She moved out of my house last November. We will be filing for divorce next month.

I met a woman at work almost 8 months ago. We’ll call her Jill. And no, Jill is not the reason I broke it off with my wife. Jill was still living at home, with her current husband, at the time. Her husband had cheated on her over a year previous and she wanted to leave him. She was married to him for 7 years. He has a love child with some flake. Jill has been taking care of his Son since he was 1, he is now almost 8. She didn't work during that time so she didn't have the means to leave her husband until she started working.

During the time she was trying to come up with the money to move out Jill's husband found out she was seeing me, or at least talking with me at the time. He told her he wanted her out right away. He is a very verbally abusive person that always kept her in fear. She was afraid to leave her things there fearing that she would never see them again. she also feared never seeing her/his Son again.

He pretty much booted her out and she had no where else to go but to stay with me. We have always talked about us living together once she got out so I was very much OK with it.

Jill's husband knew she was staying with me but Jill didn't want him to know where that was. I agreed at the time. A week later she came up with the money to move into an apartment down the street. I would have preferred she just move in here but she said she wanted to feel a bit "independent" before just moving in with another man.

This is where my dilemma begins. Jill has had her apartment down the street for about a minth but she really doesn’t live there at all. She's at my house all the time, other than work time of course. When she gets up in the morning she goes down to her apartment to get ready. She says she likes going down there because she likes being around her stuff and the bathroom has a bigger counter to fit her "getting ready" products on.

My problem is, I think if she is going to be here at my house all the time anyway she might as well just move her stuff in here as well and not have that big expense just for a make up room. She says she wants to move in with me she just wants to wait 3 or 4 months. Another of her reasons for not wanting to move in right away is the grief that her friends might give her for moving in with another guy so soon. I feel if she moves in in 3 or 4 months they are going to say that anyway so why wait, at least for that reason.

I'm thinking about telling her that she can't stay here anymore until she has made up her mind. Although she tried spending the other night down there and it drove both of us crazy. She said it really sucked being down there alone but she still won't let it, the apartment, go.

I really want her to stay here. I love her more that anything. I know we started this relationship a bit screwy but it seems a bit too late to backtrack and start over now. It would break my heart to tell her to leave but.... well I don't know.

Opinions??


Dean

ok
1.> do not give her an ultimatium you never give a woman one unless you want her to chose to leave

2.> this relationship is going to end badly,

3.> the reason she keeps her stuff down there is because she is scared of being homeless again

4.> where is the child?

5.> he cheated on her 8 years ago and she just left him? self esteem issues

6.> take her and both of you recieve consuling before moving along any farther.

7.> this should be in a differnet location in this forum

scott

this woman is trying to get over a long, hard relationship with someone and a girl has to have some time for that. she has her own place for that same reason, she wants space. give her a chance. give everybody a chance to just mellow down to move forward, do it with some grace. if she wants her time and space then give it to her.

1.> I don't plan on giving her an ultimatum just for that reason. I was just thinking of telling her to stay at her place more until she can make up her mind. Yeah I guess that does sound like that huh?

2.> I hope your wrong. I have never loved anyone as much as I love her.
Other than these few problems she is perfect for me.

3.> I can understand that I suppose.

4.> The child is with his Dad. It's his biological Son but not hers.

5.> He cheated on her 1 year ago. Sorry if I didn't make that clear.

6.> I would be more than willing if she is.

7.> Which one would be more appropriate?

Thank you for your reply.

I understand she has had a long hard relationship. I'm coming off one as well. Although not nearly as hard. And yes she does have her own place but the thing is she doesn't really use it. She just gets ready for work there after leaving my house in the morning and she picks up her mail there. I would think if she really wants her time and space then she would spend more time on her own. Doesn't that make sense?

I do want to give her a chance, I love her. But does that mean that I just let things ride or do I try to convince her she needs to be on her own more?

My feelings tell me I want her to stay with me, and it seems by most of her actions she feels the same way. She just doesn't want to give up that apartment. Thats the part I'm having a problem understanding.

Thanks for listening.

no problem.

well, what else can you do besides let this grown woman do what she wants to do, whether it is move in with you or keep her apartment. you cannot make her give it up if she doesn't want to. she wants to know what it's like to have her own quiet, alone space so she can work things out without somebody around her. if i were you i would let her do what she wants. once she's ready to move in with you then she will. in the meantime enjoy that she is there with you. enjoy the fact that she has a place but is still willing to hang out at your house all the time.

a woman needs time and space. it doesn't matter whether or not you understand. it's not up to you to understand. it's her wishes and desires and you ought to respect them.

neither of you are yet divorced. maybe that bothers her. it would bother me. a lot.

You are absolutly right. That is how I have always handled these types of situations with other women. Just let it be and it will be. It's always worked before. It's just I want this relationship so bad that my brain has ceased to fuction correctly.

I know it's not up to me to understand but I would still like to. But I think I will take your advice and loosen up the grip a bit, it's just so hard when you want someone so bad.

I would think that if not being divorced was bothering her then she wouldn't spend so much time here, would she? I don't know, maybe.

Anyway thanks again.