My Loneliness

[BFTrick]

So i have two problems in my life. One is a sexual problem that will be dealt with later. The other is my fear of being alone.

My gf and i just broke up two days ago and before that i have been jumping from relationship to avoid a period of time being alone.

In the past I have tried to spend time alone, and for a while im OK. I feel fine and usually better than i felt when i was dating a girl. But after a month i just latch on to the first person available. I dont even realize im doing it. I just trick myself into liking the person even though they have no attractive qualities towards me.

For example last year i was girlfriendless (dateless as well) for a good 6 months, and then this girl comes along, and we date for 3 maybe 4 months. Eventually i realized i hated her guts and had no reason to like her.

So what i have done as my attempt to solve my problem. Well i am spending time alone. Thats obvious. But I dont know when to end my solitary state. I cant set a time limit because wether or not i fix my problem the time limit will expire and ill go out and possibly start all this over again. And i cant trust myself to wait until i really like someone. How do i know they are my true feelings, not just loneliness reaching out?

So i am starting my rehabilitation, and i guess im asking you guys for a point, a milemarker, where i will know i have acomplished my goal.

thanks for reading, it helps to get this off my chest.

[vashti]

I think setting these arbitrary milestones is really an attempt to avoid taking risks and allowing yourself to get close to people. Relationships should be more natural than that, and sometimes they work, and sometimes they don't.

However, if you don't feel you are emotionally healthy at this point, there is no good reason for diving in to relationships, either.

[King Zarathu]

<--positive feedback is most welcome - LA -->

[Gigabitch]

Let me guess.... You sexual problem is that your penis is just so huge that it can't fit in a girl's vagina. I mean, it is just so friggin' big that when you jack off you can't look at it while sitting upright because it'll poke you in the eye. Right?

Hey! You're making him feel bad for something he can't help at all!

BFTrick, the thing is, when you aren't involved with anyone, it's difficult to grow and deal with your problems. I think you shouldn't hide from women, but change your approach drastically.

Look for the right one. Don't just date any old thing that crosses your path. Think about what you want in a girlfriend and what you have to offer.

You'll spend plenty of time in life alone without doing it on purpose.

[BFTrick]

wow fast replies.

Here is the thing, i have a problem with being alone. I want to get rid of that fear entirely. Instead of avoiding the problem and going to parties i want to confront it and beat it. I dont want it to bother me when i am single. hopefully when that happens I will be able to wait for a very long time and can wait to meet someone worthy. I guess that is the theory behind all of this.

But then again maybe that fear is there for a reason, to motivate me to be with someone. And that is what i want. I am so much happier when im in a relationship. When i am in a good relationship, it is very difficult for me to be sad.

Ive got a facebook thanks, it really helps to meet people.

I dont feel emotionally - erm unhealthy - but well....there is this girl....(no way - right?) and i dont want to rush into anything. I want to get over my last gf, and i definetly want to make sure to start this relationship out on the right foot - with a firm foundation.

how long do you think appropriate to wait after a breakup?

[vashti]

No one ever completely outgrows their fear of being alone. That being said, I think how long you should wait depends upon how long you were together and how long it takes for you to learn what you needed to.

[Gigabitch]

We're all alone anyway, though, aren't we? Maybe it just takes the perspective of having been married to someone I was with for over ten years to realize just how much that significant other CAN'T be to us.

That being said, I think it's appropriate to wait until you're over your ex. No lingering feelings of regret, anger, whatever. If that's today, then go ahead.

[Frasbee]

We're all alone anyway, though, aren't we?

I try to avoid existential thought anymore...

[Mathias]

Let me guess.... Your sexual problem is that your penis is just so huge that it can't fit in a girl's vagina. I mean, it is just so friggin' big that when you jack off you can't look at it while sitting upright because it'll poke you in the eye. Right?

HOW DID YOU KNOW?

[retrosimplicity]

wow fast replies.


how long do you think appropriate to wait after a breakup?

That's like asking.... how long should you wait until you swim after you eat.

there is not one real and true answer.

Me personally... it's been almost a year since my last relationship and I'm still not ready... I don't think I ever will be.

I also have a huge fear of being alone so I feel you...

But I found with the relationship before... I knew I was ready when I had no feelings one way or the other towards them in the spilt second thought.

For example... if someone mentioned his name in passing and I felt no fear, lust, saddness, joy, anger... nothing... I knew I was ready. Because anytime an ex is still ellicitings an immediate reaction... they are still bubbling in the fore front and getting past your issues will be a hardship.

learn to enjoy being alone... and soon enough you won't have time to enjoy it for yourself.