guys help...

[jinx343]

sure do hope the bump heals fast

but for sure, i dont want to go through the same "pattern" in the future... scary... i mean.. shitty

[GrkScorp]

Quote:

Originally Posted by jinx343

i hate how i placed that imaginary shield in front of me coz i dont want to be deceived or hurt again.

i didnt feel bad until he told me that somehow i should learn how to trust guys again coz not all people are like the person who gave me the reason not to trust guys anymore.

please help.. some encouraging words and honest advices would be a very big help.

Well.., you know me.., i'm not one for encouraging words.., I feel that that's pretty much the same as lying to people.., like throwing a person in a cage.., and telling them that you believe they can totally take on the army of cute fuzzy tigers.., you have faith in them and know they can do it!

So instead.., some honest advice..

To quote the following from AskMen.com (Dec. 2006; "Broken Hearts"):

"A woman could also be hesitant to give her heart away if it has recently been broken. Maybe her last boyfriend didn't treat her properly or cheated on her. This case is tough because such a woman is in self-protect mode, highly defensive, guarded, and not at all willing to emotionally invest out of fear of being hurt again. Only one helluva great guy will be able to snap her out of it. In fact, this woman will only get into a new relationship if she feels that the guy in question is trustworthy and not out to hurt her, and it may be a while until she realizes that the guy who hurt her was one of a few men and not one of the many. News flash guys, because chances are that most women have been hurt by some guy at some point in their life, most women believe men are genuinely bad people with ill-intentions until proven otherwise. Because they believe this, it may be a "long" time until they finally accept the truth about men. She can be blowing great guy after great guy out of her life, and there are some ways to make sure that she doesn't close you off out of fear of being hurt.

The problem is that if you try to project such a persona in a forced manner, if you try and be open and honest about the person you are, she'll think of you as a phony who's trying too hard, and your efforts will backfire. She will think you're lying to her just to manipulate her or because of some other ill-intention she believes all men have. If you're sure that you really want to deal with this, you may want to encourage her to talk about her past with you, assuming that she even wants to. I'm afraid that, in this case, it's entirely up to her to decide when and with whom she will feel comfortable starting a new relationship with. What's important to remember, is that it's not your fault. If there is anyone here to blame for her trust issues, it's the guy, not her."

Also..

http://psychology.suite101.com/artic...ar_of_intimacy

Best,

GrkScorp

[jinx343]

Quote:

Originally Posted by GrkScorp

"A woman could also be hesitant to give her heart away if it has recently been broken. Maybe her last boyfriend didn't treat her properly or cheated on her. This case is tough because such a woman is in self-protect mode, highly defensive, guarded, and not at all willing to emotionally invest out of fear of being hurt again. Only one helluva great guy will be able to snap her out of it. In fact, this woman will only get into a new relationship if she feels that the guy in question is trustworthy and not out to hurt her, and it may be a while until she realizes that the guy who hurt her was one of a few men and not one of the many. News flash guys, because chances are that most women have been hurt by some guy at some point in their life, most women believe men are genuinely bad people with ill-intentions until proven otherwise. Because they believe this, it may be a "long" time until they finally accept the truth about men. She can be blowing great guy after great guy out of her life, and there are some ways to make sure that she doesn't close you off out of fear of being hurt.

The problem is that if you try to project such a persona in a forced manner, if you try and be open and honest about the person you are, she'll think of you as a phony who's trying too hard, and your efforts will backfire. She will think you're lying to her just to manipulate her or because of some other ill-intention she believes all men have. If you're sure that you really want to deal with this, you may want to encourage her to talk about her past with you, assuming that she even wants to. I'm afraid that, in this case, it's entirely up to her to decide when and with whom she will feel comfortable starting a new relationship with. What's important to remember, is that it's not your fault. If there is anyone here to blame for her trust issues, it's the guy, not her."

Also..

http://psychology.suite101.com/artic...ar_of_intimacy

Best,

GrkScorp

Grkscorp... I've been waiting for your post.. thank you you didnt disappoint me.

i have been lied and cheated on... the worst thing that i didnt want to happen to me, been avoiding for so long and bam! experienced it firsthand. life has played a joke on me. so yes, i am in self-protect mode, highly defensive, guarded, and not at all willing to emotionally invest out of fear of being hurt again

what i highlighted in your post i quoted is exactly my case. i'm so confused as to who is being himself or just pretending to be somebody i want them to be.. so yeah it will take me a long while to get over this trust issue... though i believe i will get over this...i just need time, time, time.... for everything.

im still at work but i will take time to read that link you gave later.. some more of your thoughts would be great for me.

[jinx343]

MISH!! forgive me...

[Mishanya]

Quote:

Originally Posted by GrkScorp

Also..

http://psychology.suite101.com/artic...ar_of_intimacy

Best,

GrkScorp

Thanks Scorp. I found some useful advice following that link. I want to bring attention to this first paragraph:

Overcoming fear of intimacy means you need to learn to be yourself in your relationship. Simple in theory, difficult in practice. Intimacy in relationships involves sharing what you really think, believe, and feel. It's about opening up your heart and mind, and letting others do the same. It's risky, which is why fear of intimacy often develops.

I know it can be extremely difficult to overcome the fear of revealing what you really think, believe and feel, because these are very sensitive subjects. What I think believe and feel changes and there are different states at different points in time. It's so very easy to miscommunicate and clash on these topics. It's very easy to do a lot of damage to the relationship when that happens. So how does one go about revealing these in a "safe" yet open manner? How does one handle potentially very harmful differences in potentially many numbers? (keeping in mind number of known differences will increase the more openness there is). I think are very interesting questions.

[Mishanya]

Quote:

Originally Posted by jinx343

MISH!! forgive me...

It's all good

*hugs*

[misombra]

Quote:

Originally Posted by jinx343

i am sitting on my bed crying coz i feel awful right now. i never realized how much i have changed... until tonight. i thought i was very much ok. maybe i was ok in some areas of my life.. but i hate how i am not the fun person i used to be... i hate how i placed that imaginary shield in front of me coz i dont want to be deceived or hurt again. i have become blunt and dont know who to trust anymore...i guess had been like this for the past weeks until this night when i had been bluntly honest with someone who was just trying to make fun and make me laugh. i didnt feel bad until he told me that somehow i should learn how to trust guys again coz not all people are like the person who gave me the reason not to trust guys anymore.

please help.. some encouraging words and honest advices would be a very big help. this site has helped me much through the rough patch i had been.. i know it will continue to help me in more ways... thanks in advance guys.

you can't trust everybody. in fact there are very few people that one person can trust in life.

i read a quote somewhere that it's harder to find somebody to trust than it is to find somebody to love. it's so true.

people can be very unkind. they will lie, keep secrets, cheat, and neglect. that's something you can definitely trust.

but as long as you're aware of this you're okay i think. it's best to be careful where you put your trust.

[jinx343]

Quote:

Originally Posted by misombra

.....it's harder to find somebody to trust than it is to find somebody to love. it's so true.

people can be very unkind. they will lie, keep secrets, cheat, and neglect. that's something you can definitely trust.

but as long as you're aware of this you're okay i think. it's best to be careful where you put your trust.

so so sooooo true mis... yes i am trying to be careful which why i started this thread in the first place coz i feel like i did it way too much.

[Illusional]

jinx, did you thank everyone in this thread?? damn...

raverboy

[jinx343]

of course...i am thankful.. why?

[Gigabitch]

Cut yourself some slack- you're still processing the breakup. You'll be fine. You're fun, jinx!

[jinx343]

i will and yes i will be.. thanks giga!

*hugs*

[Illusional]

Quote:

Originally Posted by jinx343

of course...i am thankful.. why?

thankful?? then we are you so stubborn when it comes to meeting new people?? shouldn't you just remain thankful that someone else has walked into your life?

raverboy

[jinx343]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Illusional

thankful?? then we are you so stubborn when it comes to meeting new people?? shouldn't you just remain thankful that someone else has walked into your life?

raverboy

raver u were asking about the posters and i meant i am thankful for all your posts. i might be stubborn but i am also thankful in meeting new people. meeting new people is not a problem with me. my problem is how to bring back the trust i used to give out easily before with no questions asked and stop myself from being defensive around them.

[Illusional]

shit you didn't thank my last post.. that's the last of the advice that you'll ever get from me.

raverboy