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Thread: She says she loves me but isn't ready to be in as serious relationship

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    She says she loves me but isn't ready to be in as serious relationship

    I've been friends with Sara for almost two years now. We met while working together and clicked as friends very quickly. When we met she and I were both in other relationships she had a boyfriend of several years and I was in a struggling marriage that ultimately ended in divorce. We often would share and talk about many things together including our relationships. Ultimately we began seeing each other.

    More recently we've been spending a lot more quality time together and things have continued to get more serious I've told her that I loved her and she's told me that she loved me also.

    She says that she wants me in her life but that she doesn't know how much. She's said that she believe that I'm her ideal man but that she's not sure if she's ready for a serious relationship.

    She says that she needs time to figure that out. Says she needs space.

    I'm not sure what to do. She makes plans with me, she recently asked me to go on a weekend trip with her. But in between these events I get the feeling that she'd like not to hear from me. I genuinely love her what should I do? Because hearing that someone loves you but that they also aren't ready for a serious relationship hurts, and it kind of sends mixed messages? What is she really thinking?

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    Because hearing that someone loves you but that they also aren't ready for a serious relationship hurts, and it kind of sends mixed messages?
    I would be thankful that she is willing to be honest with you on what she is and is not ready for.

    Also, keep in mind that not all people feel that you have to be in a serious relationship to express love for one another.

    What are your priorities as of this moment?

    Is she your ideal woman?

    Do you need a serious relationship right now?

    Would you be willing to wait, give her space, continue to be an awesome guy who she is obviously attracted to, in order that a serious relationship would develop eventually?

    When I am seeing a woman, my thought is, "I love being with you now. I want to see you again. And that's all that matters."

    What matters to you?

    Ultimately, the decision is yours.

    ~Sphinx
    You don't need eyes to see, you need vision. ~Faithless, Reverence.

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    Sphinx,

    Thank you for opinion and encouragement. I am thankful that she is being honest. Our relationship certainly doesn't have to be "serious" for her to express love for me.

    As for my priorities I really want to continue to get to know her, spend time etc. She is an an amazing woman and I feel a incredibly strong connection to her. We have great chemistry and genuinely care about each other. I think she is my ideal woman. I don't think I need a serious relationship right now, and yes I think I am wiling to wait and give her space. I've already told her that I wasn't going anywhere. I guess I'm having a difficult time with knowing how much space to give her and how much is too much and what's not enough.

    I want to be myself, and up to this point she's given me the impression that I've been an awesome guy. But being myself means giving and showing a lot of affection and trying to be a big part of her life and making her a big part of mine. Perhaps I just need to back off a little. Perhaps she needs me to be myself when where together and give her space when we're not. If that's what she needs I'm willing to do that. It will be challenging for me but I think it is something I can do.

    What matters is that we both love each other and if she's simply asking me to wait that's something I can and want to do.

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    It's usually a good idea to keep and clarify your ideals and desires.

    Just be sure you maintain who you want to be, and don't allow her to dictate every element of your lifestyle. Often times when a man lets his woman do so, she loses respect for the fellow (and will frequently become "distant").

    Stay the course, and if you have questions as your relationship progresses, get back to us for some honest feedback.

    ~Sphinx
    You don't need eyes to see, you need vision. ~Faithless, Reverence.

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    She doesn't love you. I think that feeling is to powerful to ignore and any chance someone gets they will take it unless the other person really offends them. Of course my idea of love has been attacked and said to be lust...so it is debatable I guess.
    "Why are you an atheist?"
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    I think it really matters exactly why she's not ready for a serious relationship. Is that because she's still getting over her ex? Does she feel she's too young? She's just not "feeling it"? What?

    And what does serious mean to her, anyway? Does it mean exclusive? Does it mean you move in together? There could be a number of factors here, some of which are no big deal, some of which could be big red flags.

    The fact that you're not considered serious after two years is a matter of concern, IMO. I'm thinking she might be afraid of commitment.
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    Gigabitch,

    Thank you for your comments also. I think you are exactly right about some issues being red flags and others not being such a big deal. I believe we are both very much in love and that we both genuinely love each other. I get the impression she's isn't going to see anyone else and has no interest to. I also get the impression from her that she'd like it if I didn't see anyone else either. We've both talked about that on more then one occasion. So I don't think it is about being "exclusive". Moving in together hasn't been something that's come up in conversation either as I think we're both happy crossing that bridge later on in our relationship. I get the feeling she is afraid of commitment and that prevent her from not only calling our relationship serious but also keeping just enough distance between the two of us.

    I also believe that our previous relationships are a part of the issue. Although I don't believe she is in love with her ex, I do believe she still loves him. And I also believe that because we have several mutual friends that have known us both while in our previous relationships she's not ready to for lack of a better term "go public" or suggest to our mutual friends that our relationship is "serious".

    So I am going to give her some time and space to get over her fear of commitment whatever that fear stems from. I hope that given some time and space she gain some clarity. I want to be available to her but as someone else suggested in this post I shouldn't let her dictate my lifestyle completely. So perhaps giving her that space will only help. I don't want to push her away but I also can't be a door mat either. I appreciate everyones feedback it has been very helpful.

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    Quote Originally Posted by CaliforniaLove View Post
    I believe we are both very much in love and that we both genuinely love each other. I get the impression she's isn't going to see anyone else and has no interest to. I also get the impression from her that she'd like it if I didn't see anyone else either.
    I think a lot is being based on assumptions here. Are you sure that she wouldn't see someone else if someone interesting became available? Are you completely sure that she wants you to not see anyone else as well? Is it posible that you could be misreading her messages? You wouldn't want to be in a situation where you saved yourself up for her assuming she would do the same only to regret that dicision in the future.
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    ...she's not ready to for lack of a better term "go public"
    This rubs me the wrong way.

    ~Sphinx
    You don't need eyes to see, you need vision. ~Faithless, Reverence.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Gigabitch View Post
    I think it really matters exactly why she's not ready for a serious relationship. Is that because she's still getting over her ex? Does she feel she's too young? She's just not "feeling it"? What?

    And what does serious mean to her, anyway? Does it mean exclusive? Does it mean you move in together? There could be a number of factors here, some of which are no big deal, some of which could be big red flags.

    The fact that you're not considered serious after two years is a matter of concern, IMO. I'm thinking she might be afraid of commitment.
    Yep; two years is kinda that 'make or break' window. You need to find out why she is having difficulty with the idea of making things more permanent.

    About her ex: WTF? Does she love him or not? Two years should be plenty of time to get over someone (or realize you still care). You two sound like you need to have a REAL conversation where you air out all those ugly, painful things that nobody really wants to discuss.

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    I thought I'd give everyone who's been kind enough to post there thoughts and advice an update.

    Sara and I have recently discussed our relationship further in hopes to find ourselves both having a better understanding.

    Sara shared with me that she is simply not ready to put in the energy and effort it takes for two people to have a good relationship. We all know that for a relationship to really work it takes energy and effort from both people and right now she's not ready or willing to make that commitment. I shared with her that I am ready to make that commitment, I am ready to put in that work so we're just in two different places right now.

    It is unfortunate because I truly love Sara and I saw an amazing future with her. But being positive I am very happy that she's been honest with me about how she feels. She also said that she was so hesitant to express her feelings because she realizes that I'm a great guy and that when she is ready I might not be available anymore.

    Anyway, I have some mixed emotions right now. I still would like to spend time with Sara on occasion and nurture our relationship. I went so far as to suggest that as long as the time we spent together was consistent I would enjoy continuing to see each other.

    She said to me again that when she is ready to commit to a serious relationship she would like to give "us" that opportunity.

    I told her that I could wait but I couldn't wait forever and although I don't have an intention to find someone else it could happen.

    I know she wants me to wait for her but she doesn't like it when I say wait because she says she feels pressure to figure things out or get herself ready.

    Anyway, I think I probably need to do what's best for me. I'm not sure exactly what that is right now but that's what I'm going to try and figure out.

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    Thanks for the update CL. Well, at least you have a clear answer. Maybe now is a good time to figure out what you would like for yourself. Are you happy to wait and be single or to start looking around elsewhere? Maybe it's time to spend some time apart from her and carefully think things through?
    Don't cry, don't regret and don't blame
    Weak find the whip, willing find freedom
    Towards the sun, carry your name
    In warm hands you are given
    Ask the wind for the way
    Uncertainty's gone, your path will unravel
    Accept all as it is and do not blame
    God or the Devil
    ~Born to Live - Mavrik~

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    Thank you Mishanya for your feedback. I do have clarity that I didn't have before. I do need to figure out and do what's best for me. Relationships can be amazing and I've learned something from everyone of mine. I'm sure this one won't be any different in that I've learned things. I don't think I mind being single for a while but I honestly don't know if I just want to sit around and wait either. I'm not really someone who spends a lot of time looking for love for lack of a better way to say it. I just try to be myself and let love find me. So when love comes along and sweeps me off my feet I find myself falling hard. But I also know that we teach people how to treat us, we teach them how we want to be treated by our actions. So although I'd very much like the company and affection that comes with continuing to see Sara regularly. I'm not sure if being available like that is sending the right message. I want her to respect me. She's said to me she would completely understand if I dated other people but asked me to keep that information to myself because she wouldn't want to know about it. Basically she doesn't expect me to wait for her to be ready.

    Ultimately I would like to have, enjoy and be in a committed relationship. What do you do when the woman you love isn't ready to make that commitment? And although she says that she will one day be ready life has no guarantees. I know when I met Sara I didn't expect to fall in love with her and she with me. Just happened over time... I guess this is why they say "sometimes love hurts".

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    Updates are nice, it feels like the people don't just make stuff up than.
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    Well, I'll tell you something, CL. If I were looking to get involved with someone, I'd want to know he was available. I think continuing on with this quasi-relationship with Sara will get right in the way of you finding someone who actually wants you. Sara clearly doesn't.

    If you're willing to take this feeble offering just for the companionship, I have to wonder if you're also afraid of commitment.
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