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19-08-10, 11:05 AM #1
my boyfriend says he feels pressured???
So I have been dating this guy for 2 years whom I met in grad school. We are in the same class, so basically we see each other every day, hang out after school etc -- so technically 2 years, but in reality a whole lot more. haha.
I am in my mid 20s and so is he and my parents have been wondering when will I get married, especially since Ill be graduating soon (in about 2 years). So in response I asked my boyfriend in June : "where is this relationship going? (with a cute smile on my face) and his response was : <pretending like he didnt hear me and avoiding the whole question> he then stated "baby, i feel pressured! stop pressuring me! I wanna focus on school and I dont know waht I am going to do afterwards!"
Dont get me wrong, I totally understand that school comes first! But my intentions of asking were for after graduating (which i did tell him--but still he kept saying the same thing) and what we were gonna do afterwards. We both are from two different sides of the US (I'm from the east coast and hes from west coast-- I know.. what was I thinking?! ha) which also makes it difficult on future plans. I've already started looking for jobs on the west coast thinking that this relationship IS serious, but now I really don't know.
So, a few days back I brought up the topic again (i was hoping he thought about it since the last time i brought it up) and he said the same thing. I pleaded to him to tell me what hes thinking, and just to be open and honest about what his thoughts were on the subject and he jus said the same thing " i dont like feeling pressured! Stop pressuring me! I wanna focus on school"
did i forget to mention that he hasn't told his parents about me?! That was another thing I wanted him to do, which he hasn't done and says he;ll tell them when he gets a chance! I just dont know what to do! Please help.
How can i approach this topic without getting the same answer?! Doesn't he feel that I am pressured too! Most my friends are getting married and I feel its my time too!!
19-08-10 11:05 AM # ADSInfobot Registered User
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19-08-10, 11:24 AM #2
Well, is it your time because you are jealous of your friends settling down and because your family keeps meddling, or because you *really* feel it is time? That you see your friends' status as pressure makes it sounds like you are just subconsciously trying to keep up with them.
As far as informing his family, I don't read a whole lot into that. I haven't introduced anyone to my family since high school (not even a girl I'd been dating for three years who was living with me), and have no intention of doing so until I'm ready to marry the person I'm with.
The phrase "where is this relationship going" is easily one of the three *worst* things you can say to a guy, and that cute smile makes it even worse. We don't sit around thinking about these things, but once that phrase is uttered, we're expected to figure everything out in the next 5 seconds because saying "I don't know" opens the gates of Hell. So we stall for time. Ultimately, he's just trying to buy some time, especially if he's still preoccupied with his studies.
19-08-10, 09:41 PM #3
two years in my opinion is not long enough to make a commitment, plus guys tend to avoid commitment like the plague and i think you should be grateful he is being honest and not telling you what you want to hear purely just to shut you up. Also remember, you have probably been giving this a lot of thought, while there is a chance he didnt give it any thought, so expecting him to give you an answer on the spot is unreasonable to say the least.
i say leave it or a while & be patient (i know, females tend to not comprehend this idea, but try) give him some time to think and approach it from a logical point of view, use the job as your main angle, tell him you need to find a job an if you guys are going to live together, you will have to look for a job in the area, but with you being still 2 years from graduating, this angle will only be valid once graduation is close, at this stage, i say enjoy the relationship for what it is, back off and dont let family/friends meddle in the relationship
20-08-10, 08:10 AM #4
returnofthezro: Thanks for your input! I understand that 2 years isnt long enough but I'm 26 and hes 28 (i know age is just a number), but I think I am ready to move forward in the relationship. We basically live together, since we are in the same class and go to school together, we even live in the same apt complex. We've gone on multiple trips together. I mean I haven't told my parents yet either, because jus like "rain.man" said, I'll only tell my parents once I am sure I want to be with that person. I would like to tell my parents soon, and thats the only reason why I had brought up the topic to him (maybe it wasnt the BEST way to bring it up). I just want to be sure he's on the same page as me and that we're not wasting each other's time.
When you say leave and be patient.. what do u mean? I just dont want to be waiting and waiting not sure what's going on and not know how hes feeling. And i dont want to wait til i graduate (in 2 years!) and get stuck cuz hes not ready to move forward.. Ive asked him to open up and talk to me about how hes feeling but he jus says "i'm not that type of guy who talks about stuff like this" how do i respond to this??
Rain.man: thanks for your input! I appreciate it alot! In response to your question.. I'm not jealous that my friends are settling down, hell most my friends married at age 23+ and some already have kids, So.. I am in no rush, it just that I'll be graduating soon and I want to settle down. after working so hard in professional school I want to work (make real money! ha), be married and start a family soon. what so bad about that?!
I feel like his focus on studies is just an excuse. he's had 2 girlfriends before me and his parents knew about them within the year of dating! how is that fair?! (i only know this cuz i had to pry it out of him.. he didnt want to tell me for the longest time) Am i doing something wrong?! Why isnt he opening up to me?
20-08-10, 08:37 AM #5
It is an excuse, no question. but it is also a *valid* excuse. As long as he is in school, his studies should be his absolute #1 priority. That's the pitfall of dating while in school.
As far as the parents go, you really can't call it unfair if you haven't told yours. What he did in past relationships isn't all that relevant. My family met one of my GFs very early on, and haven't since. That doesn't really make it unfair to all those who followed, though. I simply don't do things the same way now. I suspect his outlook has changed since his exes. He is no longer in such a hurry, and now he is taking his time.
It isn't bad to want to settle, I just wanted to make sure it was something you *truly* want (I've seen a lot of "wedding fever" among my remaining single friends as we've gotten into our late twenties). I'd give him some time, though. Between the stress of school and the stress of you two eventually looking for jobs, this might not be the best time to be discussing even *more* life-altering decisions.
Hypothetically, suppose you wait two years and he isn't ready, are you really "stuck"? You had another two great years together, your life is now a bit more stabilized and conducive to raising children, how much have you really lost?
20-08-10, 08:46 AM #6
do you really want to get married before travelling first?! that's crazy. spread your wings and grow. by the sounds of it you haven't gone and explored anything yet. and forget your silly friends. if you get married (from his response and the fact he keeps you secret) you will become a divorce stat. take it easy, stop badgering him and start thinking about your future and the fun you will miss out on by settling down too soon. go do something with your life
marriage is NOT a symbol of success
Last edited by ecojeanne; 20-08-10 at 08:49 AM.Work like you don't need the money. Love like you've never been hurt. Dance like nobody's watching
20-08-10, 08:32 PM #7
when i said be patient, thats exactly what i meant - give the guy some time to think about it, and to be honest two years is still a while away in my opinion, i see the logic in not making a commitment now, shit can change in 2 years, i am not saying have the same thinking 6 months away, you need to look for a job and start planning your career, you would need an answer, i think most males would see that logic, on a side note, why graduate so late, are you training to be a doctor or just a bit slow? **** studying for that long
21-08-10, 02:54 AM #8
I was in a similar situation. On Sex and the City (yeah yeah bite me) they stated that some guys have their "light on" like a taxi. They can drive around for years and years picking up people and dropping them off but until they have the light on, or are ready for marriage, it doesn't matter who you are or how long you have been together.
My boyfriend has the "light on" and we are able to openly talk about marriage (even though we want to wait a while longer). I understand why he wants to focus on school (that's what I am doing now) but I still don't have any issue with discussing our future with my boyfriend. I also don't feel pressured when we discuss it. You shouldn't date someone if you don't think you will marry them later on. This of course, doesn't mean to go out and ask everyone if they are ready for marriage, but if I ever started to feel like I really DO NOT want to be with this guy, I would give it a week, see if my feelings change, and if they don't, move on. It saves a lot more pain in the future.I'm not good at beating around the bush or sugar-coating things. My responses are never personal vendetta's on your emotional state. It is what it is, whether you choose to accept it or not. <3
21-08-10, 05:30 AM #9
21-08-10, 06:47 AM #10
If you are happy with this relationship as is, continue on until the end of school. However, after two years, I find it hard to believe he hasn't actually wondered to himself where this is going.Relax... I'll need some information first. Just the basic facts - can you show me where it hurts?
22-08-10, 09:19 PM #11
22-08-10, 09:22 PM #12
22-08-10, 10:21 PM #13
Listen, you have a right to want to get married at some point, just as he has a right to not want that. His feeling "pressured" is not ultimately your problem. Whether he feels pressured or not, you still have a right to determine if you are simply passing time with this guy, or if he is a potential life partner. While you are a bit too young to be worried about it NOW, your eggs DO have a shelf life, and at some point, you will have to stop feeling guilty for acknowledging that.Relax... I'll need some information first. Just the basic facts - can you show me where it hurts?
22-08-10, 11:25 PM #14
I would sit him down and really have it out with him. No offence but you are getting older, you need to find a man who wants to settle down! Most would have been talking marriage by this point or even sooner! The fact he hasn't told his parents is another big red flag. Time to say bye bye! do not waste your time. It may hurt like hell but your not the one for him.
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