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25-01-10, 08:56 PM #1
29 year-old boyfriend won't move out of parents home
Hi guys and gals,
Hoping some of you might be able to shed some much-needed illuminating advice on my predicament.
2.5 years ago I got together with a wonderful man, who explained that he was giving up his job, to strike out as a freelance graphic designer. Therefore he warned me he was living at home with his parents for the time being, and would be for about another year. Fine - I admired his guts in changing careers. I found it a bit odd doing the whole parental homestead thing in my late twenties, but his parents are lovely, so I reasoned a year wasn't the end of the world.
However, it has since transpired that he has never actually moved out, save a brief interlude at university and travelling, and 2.5 years later, he is still at home. At the start of last year he said he'd definitely move out in 2009. By November I started vocalising my fears it still hadn't happened. He then promised me Jan 2010.Which hasn't materialised. Then, after a hell of a row, he promised March 2010. Now he's saying that won't happen either, despite me saying that this could be a make / break promise for him to keep.
The problem isn't money. He is guaranteed to earn at least 30K this year - probably more. He has now started paying them £200 rent, up until now he paid nothing, but now thinks that that helps them out financially, so is using that as an excuse to stay. I've tried explaining that that probably just covers his food (he works from home, so eats there all day long), but he has no idea that groceries mount up so much, or how much heating / water / council tax is.
He spends the money he saves living at home on very expensive holidays (eg. 2K a pop) and the latest gadgets. His mum still works full time even though she's of retirement age, and I'm beginning to lose respect for the way he takes advantage of their generosity.
On top of that, he makes his own food, but doesn't help with any other household chores - zero. His mum even does his clothes washing. He seems to want to turn a blind eye to the fact his mum does so much and he so little. His argument is always 'I don't eat that much and I always wipe down the kitchen / bath after using'.
I would never normally resort to such heavy-handed tactics, but I have tried softly-gently (for the first two years) and it just doesn't work. I don't want to lose him, but I'm beginning to lose sight of us having a future together. I'm 30 now and I want a future husband and mature partner. He's funny, kind and amazing in every other way, but doesn't seem to feel any need to be independent or pay his own way, which I find it hard to respect. My fear is a) he'll drag his heels for another few years and b) I'll become his substitute mother if / when we do eventually move in together and make a commitment.
I am not ready to move in with him yet nor does he feel ready to move in with me - just to clear that up. One big reason for this is because I don't want to have to be the one who shows him how to work a washing machine or make a bed or hoover. I'd rather he get 'house-trained' by other housemates before me! As all I can forsee from that situation is arguments. The second big reason is that I'm living with a best friend who has just lost her boyfriend and needs me for at least a year to get through this really tough time.
Anyway, I guess my two questions are:
1. Is this guy a hopeless case and should I move on now rather than hang around?
2. Anyone any ideas on how to motivate him to move out? I've tried everything I can think of and would really appreciate any insight at all!
Thanks a million guys,
25-01-10 08:56 PM # ADSInfobot Registered User
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25-01-10, 08:58 PM #2
Huh ? Love your parents, live at home, sounds like a wonderful situation to me.
I don't understand why women have to try and ruin things. Just a question. Does it make him more attractive for you that he is out on his own fighting off bears or something ?
I never understood the female facination with moving out of home.
I move out of home young and it sucked ass. I spent a lot of time wishing I was under my parents wing. Your boyfriend sounds fortunate. Do not ruin it for him.
25-01-10, 09:01 PM #3
25-01-10, 09:02 PM #4
I'd be worried too you know...my brother is 19 and going the same as your bfriend...because my mother definitely spoiled him...
So unless you are willing to be your bfriend's mom and take care of him as you would a kid...I think you need to take some drastic decision.
I am not sure whether the problem is related to money or laziness but in both cases it doesn help you seeing him as a grown up.
You could maybe have a serious chat with his mother and ask her to let him do his laundry, his cleaning and his cooking. My guess is that she won't help you much. She might even think that you can't really love her son if you're not prepared to lovingly clean his mess!!
25-01-10, 09:06 PM #5
I forgot to add.
IU don't think the issue here is that he is living at his parents cos you woudn't be so worried if you saw him taking a more active part in the house. You know DIYing, cleaning, doing the laundry...
It is really his lazy and easy routine that bothers you and it should if you intent to share your life with him.
If you ever get married and are a stay at home woman...then it's fine...but I bet as most couples you'll be both working...you need to feel that you have someone yo share the tasks with...
25-01-10, 09:37 PM #6
Yes, at 30 (pretty much) you should be worried. He's basically a child in the skin of an adult. Living at home under those conditions is holding him back in terms of social and financial independence.
I could understand if he was supporting/helping his parents for a legit reason, but based on your post they are just enabling him. Good luck if you want a longterm relationship with this guy--if he does move in with you, I suspect he'll be expecting YOU to carry on with his laundry, etc.
Reminds me of a guy I used to date. He lived with mom (divorced) while going through university, couldn't be bothered to get a drivers licence, and was generally a momma's boy. I quickly outgrew him. Last I heard, he has a decent career but is still single and lives across the street from mommy. I dated him over 20 years ago, and that update was in the last year.
I think you are wasting your time with this guy. Only b/c this guy is fighting you all the way. Its not like he is unhappy with his living situation; he's only unhappy YOU are calling him on it. Find someone with values closer to your own & you will be much happier, I think.
26-01-10, 12:16 AM #7
He seems to lack a desire to become a man. His parents are enabling him by allowing his boyhood to last this long (his momma does his laundry? Wtf?) but ultimately, it's his own fault that he has no desire to evolve into the next developmental stage. Even Bored George's idea about getting bj's on the couch sounds like a good enough reason to move out.
This flaw will remain. If you stay with this guy and somehow move in with him, you will be expected to take over the mommy role. Are you prepared for that?Spammer Spanker
26-01-10, 12:20 AM #8
Eww. You are describing a kid, not a man. Stop wasting your youth - go find yourself a grown-up.Relax... I'll need some information first. Just the basic facts - can you show me where it hurts?
26-01-10, 12:27 AM #9
I moved out of the house when I was 18. I've been financially independent from my parents since then. 29? Hahaha, what a loser. I am surprised he can wipe his own ass!
26-01-10, 12:55 AM #10
OP, your boyfriend's development into adulthood is stunted at best and his parents should have kicked him out a long time ago. Your fears are valid.
You could be waiting YEARS for him to finally wake up and realize he has to be a man. He's only given you lip service about moving out before. This will most likely continue. How is a man who can't even take care of himself (or chooses not to), going to be a good husband or father? I know you didn't mention the latter, but it's worth thinking about.“Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist”--George Carlin
26-01-10, 12:55 AM #11
26-01-10, 03:32 AM #12Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever. - Mohandas Gandhi
26-01-10, 04:07 AM #13
Bored Georgie should be taking notes. Shit!
26-01-10, 04:43 AM #14
ah, am I glad that Bored George is back or what....mo'Dajvo' pa'wIjDaq je narghpu' He'So'bogh SajlIj
26-01-10, 04:45 AM #15
but seriously, I am afraid that he doesn't want to move out to live with YOU. if he had found a worthy partner than that would be his best motivation. i've seen it happen so many times.mo'Dajvo' pa'wIjDaq je narghpu' He'So'bogh SajlIj
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