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28-03-11, 08:40 AM #1
Should I confront my girlfriend with evidence of her cheating?
Hi Everyone, your advice and opinions will be gratefully received here - feeling quite flat and low right now.
I'm a 28 year old man, I've been with my girlfriend for 8 years or so, we even bought a place together.
She has been abroad on a business trip attending conferences etc for two weeks, she has just got back.
When I went on the computer yesterday, she had left up the 'Internet History' list. I couldn't help but notice that since returning she had been looking at sites about STIs, how to get yourself checked for STIs, local testing clinics etc. Also she had been looking up this one guy obsessively on Facebook, LinkedIn, Myspace etc., who I have never heard of, and who judging by his job would definitely have been there at these conferences overseas.
I don't think there can be any doubt whatsoever as to what these things mean - but tell me what you think? Is there any rational harmless explanation for this do you think? One of the medical sites was something about 'mouths', so could she just have kissed someone and be ultra paranoid about cold-sores or something?
What I can't understand though is why she would not only not delete the web history (not that i ever check it,) but actually leave it up in plain view? Do you think she might have done it deliberately so I would see it, as a sort of "look what i've been up to - what are you going to do about this you loser?" kind of thing? Or is that far-fetched, just my mind playing tricks, and she stupidly left it by accident?
So, the question is really what I should do about this? Confront her? Drop subtle hints? I am not confrontational and wouldn't in any way enjoy the 'gotcha' situation. That said, I'm not scared of her either. But what the hell do I say? "I was looking at the internet history and.."? How about confronting her by leaving her a note, so as to be less confrontational? Or is that just making it too easy? Or should I do nothing at all? If I confront her, then she will know I know, and then the only thing I can do is dump her really, otherwise it sets a dangerous precedent. But I can't do nothing, because then I'll be torn up by a variety of negative, destructive emotions.
I have deliberately kept out all of our backstory and details up till now in order to keep it simple. However, it's fair to say that we've diverged in the 9 years, and now seldom socialise together and have little in common any more. Also I have been suffering with depression recently which she knows about, which has affected me in many ways recently. I don't feel the horror at being cheated on that most people would probably feel in this situation, possibly because of the depression and a consequent indifference toward her, toward myself, and to life in general. But if she has done this deliberately then it's hurtful that she'd do it at a time when i'm feeling so fragile.
The problem is that I feel like I have to stay with her no matter what because even though I'm just 28 I'm going really badly bald, which unfortunately means that my chances of success in the dating game from now until I'm near retirement are slim to nil. I just want what everyone else wants - a loving partner who I can love and respect and admire and want to cuddle the whole time, but then it's hard to see how this situation could ever get back to that now.
Thank you very much for reading this
28-03-11 08:40 AM # ADSInfobot Registered User
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28-03-11, 08:45 AM #2
You don't have to stay with her. If she's cheating, you can do better. It's as easy as that.
Confront her and then dump her.
28-03-11, 09:28 AM #3
I think you should talk to her in a calm way, trying to avoid a strong cronfrontation which it would be useless. Explain to her that you are worried and try to talk about it.
It strikes me that she probably had an affair in fact, but there is another possibility: perhaps one friend of hers has this kind of problem, and she is worried for him/her and is trying to look for help. It is much less probable, but it is possible.
It is also possible that if that guy is homosexual and they shared a drinking or something like that, she is now worried about her health. It would be very paranoid, but it is possible although abit difficult to believe, if I am sincere.
But if you don't confront her at all, you will be suspicious of her because of this facts, and that will be a problem for your relationship in the long term. It is much better to talk to her and know the truth.
28-03-11, 09:56 AM #4
Just leave his facebook page on her screen so she will know that you know and let her explain, oh and check her phone as well to see if there are any messages on there and maybe go through her mail in case he posted her a love letter
Seriously does it matter?? Even if she had an affair you will forgive her because you don't want to be on your own .. because you are going bald?? Basis for a strong long-term relationship .. not
Most telling thing you said is that you don't socialise together and have little in common any more, relationships are very needs based and it sounds like you are not meeting hers which is why she is likely to turn to someone else if she didn't already.
And what does it matter why she was looking up STI's, sure it might be for her, might be for a friend who knows, maybe she saw something on the TV and decided to look it up. You can ask her but if she's caught one by having an affair it's unlikely she will fess up to you about it.
Confront her if you must but as far as I can see you have much bigger problems with your relationship than what's happening here, I'd be sitting down with her and trying to work out how to save the relationship rather than how to just fix the current issue
28-03-11, 10:12 AM #5
agree 100% with everything that horseguy said! perfect advice
28-03-11, 02:05 PM #6
It should be pretty easy to bring it up since she left the browsing history open on your shared computer. Just tell her she left it open and you saw it, and that it makes you question if anything happened while she was away.
Shave your head if you're going bald. It's really the only acceptable hairstyle for a balding man. Chicks dig it, too.
28-03-11, 02:05 PM #7
Don't stay with a girl because you are going bald. I ended up shaving my head and I haven't dated a girl or gotten number from someone that was more than 10 years younger than me. Nevermind that none of those girls worked out, but it certainly should not be the end of your dating life.
28-03-11, 04:03 PM #8
Like you I'm 28 and going bald. Maybe not so bad yet. Still some girls hit on me.
So mate, you suspect but don't know for sure if she cheated on you. She may or may not have done it. If I was you I'd talk to her about it in a non confrontational way. If you've known each other for so long I'm sure you will be able to tell if she's hiding something when you talk to her. If she's cheated end the relationship unless you don't mind her getting f**k by another dude. She will most likely cheat again. But if she hasn't cheated on you there's no problem. Then ask her not to hide anything from you so to avoid misunderstandings. Trust has to be there or a relationship is likely to doom.
31-03-11, 04:53 AM #9
i found myself in a similar sort of situation with my boyfriend... i was thinking about confronting him but then i thought it would have created more issues between us,
so for a while i didnt mention a thing and just regularly checked what he was up to when he didnt notice, such as his mail, texts, internet history, and i found that what i thought was a big deal at the start was a big misunderstanding...
i suggest you keep an eye before you start making accusations, see if your thinking to much of nothing
hope this helps
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